Fear

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Has anyone figured out after a lot of thought, that the main reason for non success in relationships is a fear of losing your "self" or that someone will try to make you be something you can't be? It's been a lifelong problem for me, and it's something, along with why can't I get a real job, I have never been able to explain well or fix. Any insights? Emotional immaturity is a given. How do you fix that? Realization is not enough to make changes. Insights?
BTW The ironic thing is the one time I made a serious attempt, at the ripe old age of 40, it was a disaster, yet I found I didn't want to leave. Circumstances had to force me out because. He would have done me a favor if he had dumped me.

Yes I can relate to that. I am very independant and I can't stand the idea of someone having an influence on how I spend my time.

Not really. I want to be a part of something larger than myself. I only fear being rejected and humiliated, and I'd really love to find a way to start a relationship without leaving myself vulnerable like that. I know it's not realistic, but it would make everything easier for me.

I have an intense fear of those things. I don't wish to be made into something that I'm not.

I have fear of... well, mostly everything. But the fear is what keeps me alive. The thing is doing stuff in spite of the fear, not having no fear at all. Because you know you need to do them.

I think if someone wants to alter you in a significant way, you're probably in the wrong relationship.

When I think of long term relationships, my primary reference point is of course going to be my parent's marriage. I know I should have more recent reference points at my age but there you go. My father, who was a wonderful man in many ways, was also tyrannical about his little routines, hypercritical, had a tendency to explode in a seething rage over something that didn't bother him the day before and was verbally abusive. Now, I know not all people are like that.I also know he was overwhelmed. But that's what I see in my mind when I think of a life long commitment and I have a real hard time getting past that. Knowing something intellectually and knowing something emotionally are two different things. My own brief attempts have been getting rejected without knowing why and being lied to. Oh well, thanks for listening. I just think sometimes I'm going to end up like someone who dies in their ratty apartment and nobody notices til they start stinking.

I can relate, though this is part of why I know that I need to just find someone that I have enough in common with where we can be sanctuary for each other. I get the feeling that we spend so much energy just getting through the day that most of us - even the best pseudo-NT's in public life - need a place and time away and we usually find that in ourselves, we're extremely lucky if we find it in another person.

Generally what you can't beat or change about yourself just has to be taken into your adaptive strategies. Life won't always leave you off where you wanted it to but, sometimes even then you've still taken the best route available.

I used to really worry about that too; everytime I dated someone, no matter how brief, I would get stressed and obsess over them and would spend my time worrying and not feeling like I was myself. I used to worry about why they liked me?, whether they would cheat on me?, was I boring?, did I make a bad impression?, where they regretting it?.... etc. etc.... With all that worrying, there simply wasn't time to do my own thing and I felt I had lost who I was because I knew I was prepared to sacrifice and hide so much of me to make it work.

It's different when you are with someone you generally like to be around, and who you know enjoys your company. A lot of the stress goes, and you find yourself often preferring to be with them than on your own. Once you want to be with someone, it's not a sacrifice really.

The idea of spending an evening watching bad TV programs with one person would have made me shudder a few years ago, but these days it's the norm, and I enjoy it.