what should i do?

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this guy who is my current love interest (we've been on just a couple of dates) seems to be either scarcely interested or playing hardcore hard to get. of course, i wouldn't be able to tell which. but it's starting to make me miserable and my interest is now fading a bit because i'm not getting anything out of this courtship.

some clues he IS interested:
-nervous banter/constant attempt to start conversations
-invites to dates
-asking me if our hang out sessions have been 'dates' or if we're just friends (obviously he must hope its the former if he's asking this, no?)
-extremely dilated pupils in conversations with me
-offers me his jacket/offers to pay for my food when we go out


things that are making me sad:
-takes forever to reply to my text messages/emails
-doesn't complement me
-likes to make a point of letting me know how nervous and awkward i'm acting
-sometimes cancels our dates
-doesn't give me greeting/goodbye hugs
(basically he doesn't show a lot of warmth, eagerness or flirtation)

...so, i can't decide what i should do. i don't think i should tell him how i feel about this matter because that will automatically give away how insecure and emotional i am and he will feel cornered into being nice to me. i don't act super eager myself at all anymore and i refrain from being affectionate as much as i can to create symmetry in our interaction. but i'm really getting fed up with always having to guess if he's interested. what do you guys think i should do about this? ignore him?

Is he an aspie too? Sounds like it to me. He probably doesn't realize that you would appreciate any of those things. Maybe you could invite him to do (or not do, or modify) some of those things that he doesn't naturally do, that you'd like. He's probably not telepathic, and if he's socially awkward then he might just not do those things because he doesn't know what's permissible. Open a dialogue. Discuss things. Tell him what you like!

Is he the only one of you capable of giving a hug?

Sounds to me like he has AS, too.

Taking forever to respond to messages. I do that. Sometimes I'm composing my thoughts, sometimes I'm just a little jarred when a message comes in and I have to let my social anxiety subside a little before I can respond.

I suck at giving complements. I often think things like: "Oh she looks nice today" and just don't ever externalize the thought by saying it out loud. Generally I kind of assume that if somebody looks nice, or is good at something, they already know, so my mentioning it may only sound like insincere flattery (that's often how complements from others feel to me - like they don't mean it, they're just buttering me up because they want something).

I dunno, maybe he likes you, but is just hesitant to commit to anything because he doesn't want to feel responsible for hurting your feelings if it doesn't pan out. Maybe he senses your impatience waiting for something to happen and interprets it as needy, because neediness almost always becomes jealousy and possessiveness, which turn to anger and...*bleah*...who needs the drama?

I say if you want to know, take a risk. Dive in and do something. You'll find out fast where you stand, good or bad, but then at least you'll know. Don't waste time trying to 'talk it out' - all guys hate talking about relationships and if he does have a touch of the Autiz', he'll interpret questioning as interrogation and shut down. If you want to be hugged, don't stand around waiting for someone to read your mind - take a hug. It's only awkward for a little while.

That's not true.

Guys do, however, hate those dreaded 4 words: "we need to talk"

I guess I'm not sure what you expect to be getting out of this relationship after only a few dates. You're not exactly a part of each other's lives/routines at this point, you're just getting to know each other. It seems like you want to leap ahead of the whole "getting to know you phase" and slide right into devotion, checking in with each other regularly, physical affection, etc. Can you just chill a bit? See where the relationship goes?

He sounds like he wants a girlfriend but doesn't know what to do with one. I agree with others here that his intentions may not be negative, but that's cold comfort when you're feeling hurt and rejected.

He may have aspergers, but do you really want him as your boyfriend? It's very hard to change someone and you may just end up frustrating yourself over it.

Equally, if you're a person that needs affection and regular contact, that's part of who you are and as long as it's not unreasonable (e.g. texts every 10 minutes) you shouldn't feel you have to compromise that.

You've posted a number of threads about this love interest recently. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it does suggest he's doing your head in. Neither of you may be at fault, but just because you are both aspies doesn't make you compatible.

I don't want to be biased (I went out with a guy who sounds quite similar to yours) but I don't think this will work out. My advice would be to say you're busy next time he asks you out, or politely and firmly say you want to be friends.

He sounds interested but crappy at relationships.

You're in luck because the world's worst person at relationships is here to offer perspective. I'll address the things that are bothering you. If he's like me this is why he does these.

1. It can take me a while to respond to a text or e-mail because it can take a while to think of a good response. And I don't get them very often so I don't check them very often either.
2. My idea of a complement has a tendency to result in having an object thrown at me or a weird stare, so I only give them if I want to do a wide receiver drill.
3. I don't do this one. That's just a lack of tact in all likelihood.
4. Sometimes canceling a date is much better than always. He might have a legitimate reason, or is sometimes too nervous or in an antisocial mode to go through with it at a certain time.
5. If he's been to a sexual harassment conference before and is bad at reading intentions, then offering a girl a hug is a daunting and frightening task.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

^ Hehe, I think he's basically right. But there's wiggle room.

I don't mind talking through a relationship, and I consider myself a guy, bolded, whatever that means... Granted, I don't want to spend 99% of my time in a relationship doing it, but some is fine - maybe even a lot sometimes. I'm a verbal sort of person. I just don't want the OP to get the impression that all verbal communication with a man is some kind of idiotic idea.

Men and women have different needs. Don't expect him to know your needs-- tell him. Also, be open to knowing his needs (that may include space or not being expected to doing everything naturally, if it isn't natural).

I agree that most men don't like talking about relationships-- but it is an integral part of what women need from the relationship-- so they need to bite the bullet, and learn to do it.

Yep. Definitely. But I don't think we're innately this way... It's just how we grow up. It's the traditional role.

Actually, Chav's recent thread contains an interview with a doctor who's talking primarily about that need and and that contrarian conditioning.
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