it's complicated?

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ok, so, this guy that i started talking to on a dating site over a month ago invited me to see a movie with him last sunday and the date went really well. he knows i'm a socially anxious aspie with a sweet disposition so for all i know he could be pretending to be interested out of pity. i have no way of actually telling.
before the date i didn't hear from him for almost a week which made me wonder if he had started seeing someone else/lost interest. he only invited me for the date after i had to contact him.

well anyway, he seemed to like me on the date because he was mirroring my body language and he offered me his jacket when we were outside. in our conversations he was also prattling nervously. he texted me after the date and said he had a good time and we're supposed to get dinner tomorrow. (on his invitation, again)
anyway. we aren't friends on facebook yet but since i know his name, i lurked his page. he changed his status to 'its complicated' yesterday and i can't figure out why. we had A date. i'm not going to mention it to him because i know how creepy it would sound if i told him i lurked his facebook and read his wall.
does it seem like he changed it because he plans on having a relationship with me and he's proud that he is courting someone? or does it sound like he's seeing someone else at the same time? i'm so confused

Some people will only date one person at a time. Others may consider themselves to be monogamous, but not consider dating to be a relationship, so they might still date more than one person at a given time. I've also seen the status used interchangeably with "seeing someone", between a friendship and a relationship, and for someone on the verge of breaking up with someone they were in a long-term relationship with. In any case he doesn't yet consider himself to be your boyfriend. He might if you keep dating him.

Go to your date tomorrow and don't read too much into this.

After only a couple of dates, I would actually take the status change as a good sign. Most people wouldn't open themselves to potential ridicule from friends if they weren't serious about it.

You won't be able to tell from his facebook status alone if he's seeing other people. A big clue would be other girls leaving soppy messages on his wall. My advice would be get in there quick and be that girl . Nothing too gushy; you don't want to send him running. Just add him as a a friend and leave a comment along the lines of "hey [insert name]! How's you? Was great seeing [insert move name] last Sunday! xXx"

The multiple 'x's are important, as is mentioning the date. Not to be too clinical about it, but you send out the message to other girls that he's taken, or at least seeing someone else.

It would be nice if he took the initiative a bit too, though at least he's asking you out to dinner. Don't worry about the lack of calls. He's probably been told some stupid dating advice about not looking 'too keen...'. If it's a regular occurance though, and it bothers you, you should probably say straight out that you want him to take the initiative a bit more or call you so you know he's still interested.

Anyway, good luck!

@Lene, this is a rare occasion I don't agree with you. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

OP, I would not recommend the FB stalking (and I'm saying "stalking" with humor - I know you're not stalking him). The thing is, if his status really is "complicated" - meaning there's someone else involved - then he might feel a little weird that you've seen his status, and feel the need to explain it. And if there is someone else involved and you write a wall message about your date, you might really complicate things for him. (If you were the someone else and your relationship was ending, I'm sure you'd rather hear that from him, rather than some random chick who posted on his wall, right?)

I'd keep communicating the way you have been for the time being. It seems like things are going well, so just try to relax and enjoy the evolution of the relationship. Good luck.

That's ok Hopegrows . I agree with you that if he has an (semi)ex, it would be way kinder for her to learn from him than a stranger; that thought didn't occur to me at all! He's a bit of a s**t if he acts like that though to be honest, and from the OPs description, he sounds ok, but still, you can never tell...

In my experience from facebook, it's not uncommon for people to add me as a friend out of the blue (people from my year whom I have rarely exchanged two words with) so to me, adding someone whom I have been dating and chatting to for quite a while would be normal enough. 'it's complicated' can really mean anything; it can mean 'so&so and I are breaking up' or 'so&so and I are kinda seeing each other...' it really depends on the person themselves.

I suppose, ignorance is bliss as the saying goes; at least if he uses facebook to define his relationships, the OP will know soon enough if he's 'in a relationship with...'

ninja-edit; just re-read the original post...



If he's NT, I would find this a bit suspect. As you said, they usually have the sense not to change their status after only one date.

If he's AS however, I'm half surprised he hasn't already got you down as 'in a relationship' My ex did that, to both me and his previous girlfriend after 2 dates... dumbass as I was, I feel for it and was all excited I had a boyfriend (he later told me that it was only because they didn't have a 'seeing someone' status).

Last edited by Lene on 29 Apr 2010, 2:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's true.

I think the weirdest thing about FB is when I get random friend requests from absolute strangers. It's creepy.

Yeah, absolutely

From a guy's standpoint, I think the non-creepy way to handle this is the direct approach:

"Hey! I think I found your Facebook page!" <sends friend request>

You're okay to do this because you're quite obviously at the friend stage after any kind of date. This frees you up to talk about the relationship status without seeming in any way creepy. I would personally take it as a bit flattering that you bothered to search on FB. It would also be interesting to see what he does at the point with his relationship status. If he abruptly changes it back to single he may do so because he is either very interested in you and doesn't want to scare you off OR he might have some "excess baggage". If he leaves it as "it's complicated", you've got a potential (no longer off-limits) conversation topic and a good sign that he very likely isn't trying to hide anything from you. This avoids any confrontations and is quite "natural".

I recommend resolving this soon if you feel it may color your outlook for the next date. If not then you can try to forget about it, but that is going to be difficult.

I think you've gotten it already. Complicated means just about anything. You might be more confused than he is, by now.

^How very cagey of you, @ViperaAspis. You have suggested quite an elegant little solution to this problem. Well done. (Although I'm a little wary of you and your mad skills. )

He probably changed is status to "its complicated" because you aren't exactly in a full-on relationship yet. He may want to indicate on his facebook that he's seeing somebody, but he may not be completely sure where the relationship will go or exactly how he feels about the relationship - so the label of "complicated" is probably the best way to describe the relationship between the two of you that is more than friendship but not quite boyfriend-girlfriend.

LOL, you scare me too (in a good way) HG Promise you'll always be around to talk me down if I get too carried away!

Oh, and...

<-- sends random FB friend request

Hee hee

Well, I'll either talk you down or lend you my Mary Poppins umbrella - whichever works.

Okay, have to ask - is your avi a random download, or a cat of your acquaintance? If it's not a random, the hat must be Photoshopped, right? Inquiring minds....

As a young facebook user, I would agree with bugzee's interpretation. Putting "it's complicated" rather than staying "single" could actually be a warning to other girls that he is unavailable.

Actually, I have to confess that I lifted him in toto -- open Google and click Images to search images. Now search on "Wrong Planet". Voila! One cat with tinfoil hat. I wish there was a more interesting backstory behind him (her? Him, I hope ), but I was a little surprised nobody had ever searched for a Wrong Planet image and found him. Or maybe they did and didn't say anything.

I never changed him since it was so perfect (esp. the caption which you can see on the full size photo). I also have a hard time "recognizing" people here when they change their avatars.



What about you? Are you you or are you a favorite actress there?

(With respect to the OP, not trying to be a thread-hijacker or anything here - please sing out if this brief "pictorial digression" bothers you, AntiqueToy! Some get upset and some don't and I want to respect that)

Hey @ViperaAspis....you know, I did try to read the text on your avi, but it was too small to make out. Now it makes all kind of sense.

As far as my avi, that is indeed a pic of me (taken in December or maybe January of this year). I was messing around with a new camera and caught an unintended effect that made the pic seem all art-y and junk....keep that on the dl though, okay?