Significant other demanding I defriend an ex-crush

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Hi!

I've got an odd problem with my relationship. I've been going out with a girl for 3.5 years. Other than her, I only have two major friends: one guy, and a girl who I've been friends with for a while -- and on whom I had a crush for the longest time.

My SO is demanding that I "downgrade" the ex-crush to distant friend status. I have told the SO several times that the ex-crush is not interested in my, and that she is seeing someone in the Ukraine. The ex-crush confirmed this to her face. The SO is basically accusing me of emotional infidelity.

I haven't had a real crush on the ex-crush for years. She's just a very good friend now and her family is becoming friends of my family. The SO wants me to not have lunch with her from time to time and do anything with her without having the SO as a chaperone.

I asked a more distant friend of mine about this dilemma and the friend said "defriending" the ex-crush would be a VERY BAD IDEA because I have few friends. The distant friend claims that what the SO is asking is somewhat unreasonable. What's more, the ex-crush has not done anything to warrant a downgrade.

I am Aspie, she is NT. This is the first relationship for both of us.

The kicker is that she just got a postdoc in Chile and we'll have to start doing long-distance in August for the foreseeable future (I'm tied down by a job). She is VERY concerned that once she is in Chile that I'll "cheat" with this ex-crush.

What do I do? She seems pretty possessive and has a bit of a domineering streak. Now I'm nervous about even CALLING the ex-crush.

Thanks in advance,

ACG

I don't think its unreasonable. As someone said in a thread similar to this, single friends of the opposite sex (and unless you are hanging out with Her AND her partner, she counts as single) are usually to be shared as a couple, not just one person.

If I was in her position I would most likely feel the same way. Its bad enough that a man with a partner is spending a lot of time with a woman on his own, but the fact you used to have a huge crush on her makes it a whole lot worse for your partner.

I recently told a male friend of mine that we should stop hanging out with just the two of us because he seems to be getting involved with a girl. Its not fair on her.

Also you say you and this woman have told her you aren't interested in each other. Maybe thats the case. Maybe you both KNOW you aren't. But your partner DOESN'T.

Its only words.

Your SO is being very unreasonable and frankly immature. If she has so little trust in you, why are the two of you together? She needs to grow up and learn to deal with her insecurity. If the tables were turned, she'd probably be furious if you tried to keep her from seeing old male friends. This is no different.

If there's truly "nothing there", and your partner doesn't listen to you, this is pointing to a lack of trust (not good), and it's also abusive to say who you can or cannot be friends with, even without an "or else".

Deleted edited comment because it has upset someone I love and care about.

Last edited by Taupey on 04 May 2010, 8:24 pm, edited 3 times in total.

The thing is the SO and ex seem to not compete. I feel very comfortable around the ex. She relaxes me a lot. However, the SO gives me emotional support and is always there for me. The ex is more of an "icon or idol" than a real person.

Basically, in an IDEAL world the ex would have higher potential. However,in a PRACTICAL world, the SO wins. They each contribute in different ways and I feel like I need both.

If you think this SO has a domineering streak now, just set a precedent by letting her tell you how to live this time and see how quickly you become her lil' b*tch on a leash.

Either she trusts you or she doesn't, clearly she doesn't. The problem (for her) is, no one can control the universe. What will happen will happen - if you and the old crush did have feelings for each other, would SO want to prevent you from being happy with someone else, just to 'keep you' out of sheer possessive selfishness? My guess is, hell yeah she would. She not only doesn't trust you (as the saying goes 'guilty dogs bark the loudest'), she doesn't love or respect you as an equal, independent individual - she owns you as personal property. She's too insecure to allow you to be free. She's afraid she doesn't have what it takes to maintain your interest. She's probably right. Immaturity is not appealing.

The decision you have to make is: just how submissive are you willing to be?

ACG,
As my granny would have said, your SO is asking you to either poop or get off the pot.
(i.e)Are you in your relationship with her or are you out?

She has invested 3.5 years in you, too. Now she has to go away for a while and wants to know, are you committing yourself to a relationship with her, or are you not. It could be the girl you used to have a crush on that is becoming friends with your family (!) You didn't say if your SO is becoming friends with your family, but you definately wanted us to know that your former crush is.

I don't think it much more than that, ACG. Are you into having a committed relationship with your SO? or are you going to cut her lose and have all the freedom to chose your own friends and continue your former crush's friend building with your family?

You may call her demanding and frankly, she has every right to be, as it is her life she is leading and she needs to know if you are on board, or if you are just stringing her along.
Do yourself a favor and Man up and tell her.

Merle

Got to love some of the stuff people come out with.. Its not unreasonable at all, it's normal. You expect people are being selfish and immature if they don't trust You 100% AND don't trust the person you're friends with 100%?

Thats not the real world. There aren't many people that naive or trusting in this world and you're damn lucky if you can find someone who is.

The only time I've never cared about this is when Its with a guy I really couldn't give that much of a crap about.

Maybe you think i'm jealous? Maybe I am. But so are the majority of people in this world.

I wouldn't be surprised if the people painting you GF as a domineering selfish b***h have never managed to keep a relationship with someone who really likes them.

I really would love to see what you think when the person you love starts doing this. Not just like... love.

I think you are in a no-win situation. Your refusal to comply would be on principal while she would see it as meaning you may still have feelings for the SO. It falls into the category of 'do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy'. And like Willard says, if she's a control freak you could become her robot to the point where you don't even know yourself any more. It could definitely set a precedent how you respond. I am utterly unqualified to advise you. But I do wish you godspeed.

hale_bopp, sinsboldly, et al,

It's still emotional and mental abuse to demand such of you. There's no ifs, ands or buts here.

It's no different than if a male says a female can't wear this or that.

Its pretty different. A woman won't potentially have an affair with her t-shirt.

I disagree.

Is this a perfect world, where you can be 100% sure that your SO won't cheat on you? Of course not. But if you've invested 3.5 years in someone, you should have a pretty good idea that that person is trustworthy. This isn't a brand new relationship, where you don't really know what will happen if you leave.

I understand this is probably the first major amount of time spent apart, but have they been together for every minute of the last 3.5 years? If not, he's had the opportunity to cheat all ready. He could have made a move on his old crush, could have gotten with her if he wanted (or at least tried). As it is, he could still cheat on her even if he does downgrade his friendship status. It's really not that complicated to find someone willing, even if it's for cash. There have been no problems with this friend acting in a hurtful manner before, so she's probably not going to now.

I find that people are more willing to forgive women of controlling behavior. Ultimately, that's what she's trying to do: control his relationships to soothe her own insecurity. Instead of handling it rationally by saying we're together, he's had the opportunity to cheat and hasn't, and there's no interest on either side, she's saying I don't trust you to value me. And if you can't trust someone, can't believe they'll do what's right, why be with them?

actually, Danielismyname, it isn't. This has nothing to do with dictating terms.

When some people become adults they make monogamous relationships with other people.

I see that the lady that just shared 3.5 years of her life is asking that very question of her significant other. When someone asks if you are serious about being monogamous you at least owe them an answer. If he wants to see it as some affront to his independence, and has some sort of idea she is being 'demanding', then obviously he doesn't get it, and isn't ready for a monogamous relationship. In this way the woman can get her answer.

if you think this is 'emotional abuse' to spend three and a half years in a relationship and not have it go any where, then it is the woman demanding he chose that has been suffering by not knowing all this time. Now, she wants to know. I think it is fair she find out what he wants before she leaves (for Peru) and wastes another 3.5 years on a relationship that is going no where.

Merle