Getting ex-girlfriend to un-love me

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Basperger
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10 May 2010, 4:54 am

My girlfriend and I broke up last month, after a 6-month relationship.
She still has feelings for me, that's not really a problem, but she told me that she is waiting for me untill I'm ready for a relationship.
I don't want her to wait for me, I've told her that, but she still is.

How do I get my ex-girlfriend to live her own life without me on her mind?



auntblabby
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10 May 2010, 5:51 am

a man loves little but often; a woman loves seldom but deeply. a woman in love with one cannot so easily be dismissed. that is something many men just don't seem to understand, that most women are not like a light switch. just telling her "it's over, stop thinking about me" is unrealistic.



0_equals_true
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10 May 2010, 6:58 am

auntblabby wrote:
a man loves little but often; a woman loves seldom but deeply. a woman in love with one cannot so easily be dismissed. that is something many men just don't seem to understand, that most women are not like a light switch. just telling her "it's over, stop thinking about me" is unrealistic.

What? Much generalisation.

People get attached. You have to tell her the truth regardless. because not telling her will not help, granted it may not be enough simply to say it is over. You need to convince her that the relationship is not going to re-spark, and she should for her own happiness more on.



Basperger
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10 May 2010, 7:16 am

0_equals_true wrote:
You have to tell her the truth regardless. because not telling her will not help, granted it may not be enough simply to say it is over. You need to convince her that the relationship is not going to re-spark, and she should for her own happiness more on.


That's the problem, I explained to her that it's not going to happen, but she thinks she still has a chance, but I also value her friendship and don't want to ruin that by being blunt. I can "get rid of her" if I want to, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.



Hansie
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10 May 2010, 8:54 am

Basperger wrote:
That's the problem, I explained to her that it's not going to happen, but she thinks she still has a chance, but I also value her friendship and don't want to ruin that by being blunt. I can "get rid of her" if I want to, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.


You are right that is a problem. You might need to stop being friends with her if either one of you two can't handle the new relationship status.



HopeGrows
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10 May 2010, 9:45 am

Basperger wrote:
My girlfriend and I broke up last month, after a 6-month relationship.
She still has feelings for me, that's not really a problem, but she told me that she is waiting for me untill I'm ready for a relationship.
I don't want her to wait for me, I've told her that, but she still is.

How do I get my ex-girlfriend to live her own life without me on her mind?


I'm kind of wondering why your ex thinks the problem is that you're not "ready for a relationship?" Is that what you told her when you broke up with her?

Look, if you fibbed a bit about your reasons for the break-up (in order to spare her feelings), now is the time to come clean. Take responsibility for the lie (expect her to be angry), and tell her that you broke up because you two are just not a match (or whatever the real reason is).

If you didn't fib, and she's created your "lack of readiness" for a relationship as the reason for the break-up, then I suggest you tell her that you two need to cut off contact completely for a while. The problem with remaining "friends" after a break-up is that it's very, very difficult to do. If the person who initiated the break-up suggests it, it's usually just an attempt to soften the blow of the break-up. If the person who did not initiate the break-up suggests it, it's usually an attempt to keep the relationship alive in the hopes that the romance will return.

Even if both exes are well intended, maintaining a friendship through a break-up is less than ideal, IMO, because it makes healing extremely difficult. There is usually anger, despair, sadness, etc. to deal with, and it's difficult to deal with those feelings as you try to remain cordial, friendly, kind, etc. with your ex. I suggest telling her you two should spend the summer apart in order to heal, and re-connect in the fall (if you both want to when fall rolls around). Good luck.


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Basperger
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10 May 2010, 11:44 am

When we talked about our relationship, we both agreed that it didn't work, and broke up. (short version, I'll spare you the details)

FYI: I can't lie very good, so I don't do it :)

She said that I probably soon have another girlfriend after she's gone (she's a little insecure), just a remark in my opinion, I replied that I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone for now. This wasn't part of the break up conversation.

I think she dislikes her decision about breaking up, it's probably best to not see/talk to each other for a while, or maybe never.

Thanks for your reaction/advice!



hale_bopp
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10 May 2010, 4:37 pm

What you need is physical distance. Continuing to see her as a friend will not help the situation. When other people slowly creep into her life, the thoughts of you will slowly creep out.

Perhaps you could tactfully remind her that the fact you aren't ready for a relationship wasn't the reason for your breakup?



wendigopsychosis
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10 May 2010, 4:49 pm

I've been in this situation but from your girlfriend's end of things.

First off, don't tell her there's a possibility of you two getting back together, even if it's true. She'll cling to that and keep hoping. Don't tell her there's not either, as that's just mean. Don't mention it at all.

You also have to stop being friends for the time being. You can be friends again once she doesn't love you anymore (and don't believe her if she tells you she's over you and all's well, wait until she has a new boyfriend or a new crush or something, she'll tell you things that aren't true if she thinks she could get you back). You need physical and mental distance. No email, no AIM, no phone calls, etc.
It's hard on both you and her, but it really is temporary. You just need to give her time.


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11 May 2010, 4:19 am

there isn't anything you can do. She will get over it and move on. Eventually. Sometimes it takes me years to get over people. I am like the tortoise of love, lol. Just don't feed it. The best thing you can do is move on and be happy and soon she will give up.



Basperger
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11 May 2010, 6:11 am

I told her that I will not contact her any more, unfortunately she didn't give me time to explain and hung up the phone. But it is for the best, I'm stressed enough by this situation.

Thanks everybody for their advice, it helped me a lot.