"You just gotta get yourself out there"

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One of the worst pieces of advice that I see others giving, and have received myself, is the saying, “you just gotta get yourself out there”. In order to have lots of friends or a girlfriend, apparently all you have to do is “get yourself out there!” Wow! isn’t that simple? Well, not really. Get yourself out where? And when you know where, what do you start doing once you get there? And when you do learn how to start something, how do you keep it going? Etc.

For some, the problem of dating needs to be learned through conscious, procedural tasks. Specific instructions need to be given to a person, and that person has to follow the instructions until they learn how to improvise on their own. A few people can play a musical instrument ‘by ear’, but most people need sheet music to read every single note. In the world of socializing it is in reverse - most can socialize instinctively, while a few require “sheet music”.

A blog that I read was once discussing something similar to this, and a commenter on that blog said something along the lines of “you just gotta get yourself out there”, to which another commenter gave a great response to. I’ll paraphrase:

You’re trying to get an alien to smoke a cigarette.

You: Open this and take out a cigarette [you hand the alien a pack of cigarettes]
Alien: [opens it by ripping the entire box apart. All the cigarettes fall on the ground]
You: [stunned] No, no, you were supposed to open it by… forget it. [you pick up a cigarette and give it to the alien] Here, now put this in your mouth.
Alien: [puts the entire cigarette in its mouth]
You: [stupefied] No, no, no! Put part of it in your mouth [you demonstrate by showing how much]
Alien: [puts the right amount of the cigarette in its mouth, but it’s in reverse, with the cigarette butt not in its mouth]
You: [dazed & confused, you show it exactly how] Now, light it on fire.
Alien: [takes the cigarette out of its mouth and lights the entire thing on fire, scorching it to ashes]
You: … This is gonna take some work…

So I guess my question is this: is there anyone who can give advice, in good enough detail, on what has to be done to, for example, acquire a SO? Without leaving out instructions that you believe to be “beyond common sense”. Just imagine that some of us here are actual aliens.

P.S. I am completely aware that an alien wouldn’t understand English, and might not even have a hearing sense, or even a mouth in its head… or even a head for that matter. But that’s trivial and you get the point.

It really isn't that simple. The problem is that NT's just instinctively know how to get themselves out there and instinctively know what to do. Aspies don't have a clue and NT's can't explain it to us in a way that we can understand.

Sure we've got to get ourselves out there. The question is, where do we meet our perfect matches?

"Get yourself out there" is kinda like "Just be yourself", two pieces of advice they like to give us but end up being completely unhelpful since we don't instinctively know how to do these things. Where, exactly, is 'out there'? Does 'Be Yourself' mean 'Be the awkward doofus I usually am till I find my soulmate'? Real advice has to come from someone who knows you and the community you live in. It also means someone telling you hard truths sometimes. 'Be yourself' does not always mean 'Talk about nothing but Transformers anime at a dinner party'.

That is exactly the point, Sid. For those that can 'get themselves out there' there are a lot of 'perfect matches'. Matter of fact, more often than not, their 'perfect match' is almost any suitable classmate or co worker or friend of a class mate or co-worker. The more 'normal' you are, the more chance that your 'perfect' match is just as normal and 'out there'. Think of the millions of people that have found what they consider their 'perfect match'. It is more that they match than the perfection of the match.

For us special ones, the odds are phenomenal

The problem with the sheet music example, is that it's not applicable to the problem of social awareness. While some people may be able to read sheet music and be able to accurately perform the piece right after, nobody can do the same thing when supposed to be social. While music is logical, mathematical and not influenced by externals, no social settings are identical.

Nobody are born with wisdom, so you have to learn. And while it's much easier for neurotypicals to learn these things, it's not so easy for the average aspie, who would need very specific instructions regarding every situation individually. That is not possible, however, because of the analogue nature of social adaption. So you can only fall back to a set of general rules and then actually train yourself by exposing yourself to society.

Something you need to get past is that there is nothing to be afraid of. Nobody will kill you for being awkward, and being laughed at isn't really dangerous - and that happening is even very unlikely. Do you really feel important enough that everybody focuses their attention on you all the time? Only you do that. Stop projecting your own fears and thoughts onto others. We have all different perspectives, and that should be very obvious and logical.

Swallow your pride and get out there and train yourself to relax together with people. Being calm and relaxed is the alpha and the omega. Instead of focusing on the "fact" that you suck at everything regarding your current situation, train yourself to disregard it completely. The real fact is that nobody notices until you mention it.

You will definitely not succeed the first time. Prepare for social rejection if you feel it's necessary and remember that nobody will eat your legs for trying! "Just get yourself out there" and don't just sit at home contemplating! That's like training mountain climbing while laying in your bed.

I don't think it's necessarily bad advice, in that it would lead you astray, though perhaps it's just not enough on its own. I've frequently seen the apparently contradictory "stop trying to find a girlfriend", which I think is more incorrect/misleading than "get yourself out there".

^Agreed. 'Get yourself out there' should be translated 'You can only learn this by doing it' - it is a trial-and-error process, no two ways about it. That means falling off the bike and getting back on it again. You're gonna rack yer sack a few times, so wear an emotional cup. The truth is, if you're "out there", you're likely to run into a Non-Autistic or two who are outgoing enough to make up for some of your own reticence and will do a lot of the work for you. God bless sluts!




Uhm...well...let's just leave that discussion for another thread...

My old flatmate told me something akin to "just get yourself out there." She kept getting pestered by guys she wasn't that interested in. I said that it never happened to me. I was actually saying to her that I don't lead people on like she does, but her response was, "well when are you ever out?" I don't go out much so I'm not going to attract anyone. My question would be: "Get out where?" Where are these places I'm supposed to meet someone. I really couldn't say that I fancied someone after the first time I met them. Maybe I have trust issuets though, but I don't know that I could meet a stranger and then decide to ask them for their number or whatever you're meant to do. I would be like, "Ok, I'm out the house, now what do I do?" And who is meeting people in supermarkets? I'm not going up to someone in the vegetable isle and stricking up a conversation about cauliflower. I'll look like an idiot.

It actually is good advice but we need to be taught these skills from the ground up. NT's have an instinctive knowledge that usually just needs a bit of practice and refinement to get it right.

Go where other people your age go to socialise, not necessarily to meet guys. Do you go to college? Do your friends/acquaintances go out places, and could you go with them?

That is a misconception. While it is easier for neurotypicals, it's not as easy for them as you think. I know a lot of neurotypicals who have so much less experience in the field than I, that often am I the one getting the dates. The point is that everybody needs to learn it. It just takes a whole lot more practice and realizations for aspies.

Neurotypicals have problems with dating as well, which is why 1 our of 10 25 year olds are still virgins. On the other hand, neurotypicals have a much better social intuition than aspies.

Nearly everyone I ever dated or hooked up with I either met at work, through work i.e., in the course of my job, or through friends I knew from work. I've never had more than a two or three sentence conversation with anyone 'out' in public and you couldn't pay me to hang out in bars or clubs.

If this is a US survey, then keep in mind that many conservative/christian Americans have this idea that they should save themselves until marriage, and while of course many don't, some do even if it takes them to their mid-20s or later.

^ That.

As for the original premise, that "just get out there" is bad advice, note that on this forum, it's advice nearly never given 'solo.' From everything I've read, there are bits of info that go alongside it. Certainly whenever I tell someone that they need to get out more, it always includes some info on a topic they brought up.

The problem is that, although I understand socialization on a fairly logical level (as opposed to intuitive), and may be able to convey a lot about it in a logical, step-wise, detailed manner, the topic itself is so incredibly large that it stymies my attempt to describe the larger picture. Every big picture is nuanced, every little moment is nuanced. I could never describe it all. But when you experience it, and see it, you learn far more than a few paragraphs could impart.

I find that I have more luck using a 'back & forth' Q&A, where they ask a question, which I respond to, which prompts more questions by the poster, which I respond to, and on and on.

There's no way that one can predict and preemptively fill the gaps and holes in others' social understandings until we get to that specific sub-topic. There's no way the cigarette guy could know that the alien isn't aware of how the box opens. This subject is so massive, and varied, that an assumption of one's knowledge basis is difficult to nail down, and fleeting. So we're left with a logical choice: Post everything on the topic you can think of, or post a working fragment. The former is not realistic, while the latter is the category that "Just get out there" falls into.

Not only that, you can be explained, and come to logically understand, certain ideas and elements of socialization, but until you see it happening in the real world, and perhaps interact with the topical dynamic, your knowledge is effectively irrelevant due to inexperience. There are so many tiny details that no explanation is sufficient to arm a person. This is why novice drivers suck, despite all their instruction, and their good grades.

Getting out despite a deficit in capacity is necessary, even for the alien. Yes, it can lead to a person simply butting their head against a wall repeatedly and unknowingly, if they don't have the perspective to look at their situation objectively, or are simply missing a piece of the puzzle for it to be understood. This is why the advice should be paired with some info, and for the social alien to keep going back and forth between RL experience, and logical-oriented instruction and learning through books and forums and videos.

However, relying purely on description and instruction is simply not sufficient to impart capacity. And in addition, self-conscious people will use it as an excuse to avoid getting out, as they will constantly be ill-prepared, nervous, uncomprehending of something. There's always something. So where do you draw the line, and say "I'm going out anyways?" If you trust the nervous person's line, they'll hardly ever get out, thereby stunting their own progression. A shove out the door ends up being the best thing for them.

So, no, I disagree with this premise that "Just Get Out There" is simply bad advice.