Heartbroken over an Aspie boy, please help

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Hi, I'm a 22-year-old NT girl and I'm in love with a 22-year-old AS boy I've been hanging out with for a year. We've never had an official relationship, I guess technically it's a "friends with benefits" thing but I feel that it could be something more. We really really enjoy each other's company, connect in every way as people because we're both odd in pretty much the same specific way, and we had a really strong platonic relationship before anything ever happened, aaaand at the same time we are very attracted to each other, so I don't understand why the relationship hasn't progressed after such a long time.

Whenever I'm with him I'm absolutely sure that he likes me, if we're at a party he'll spend the whole night trying to get my attention, and when we're alone he'll hold my hand and be really loving and attentive and tender. We'll also get along like best friends and have extremely fun times. But I get the feeling that when I'm out of sight I'm out of mind. For weeks in between we'll go without contact, he won't initiate anything, he won't reply to text messages or emails. And then the next time he sees me it's back to normal, he acts really affectionate, as if we're in a relationship.

I know he is capable of communication because he frequently rings up and msgs the 2 male best friends he's had since primary school. With me, he only initiates anything after like, a month, when he's certain he won't have any chance of bumping into me at a party or something. However at the same time, his other friends have told me that he can be impossible to contact at times and never replies to txt messages, goes AWOL for days on end. His relationships are always on his terms, he sees people when he wants to see them, not when they want to see him.

I find that the rest of the time, when he's not being loving, he can be really cold and indifferent to me. I might bump into him at a party 2 days after he last held my hand, told me I was beautiful, etc etc and he'll be completely unresponsive to anything I say. Sometimes I think it's because he wants to establish clearly that he doesn't want our relationship to go any further, because I know he is the kind of guy who appreciates his freedom. But then the next month we'll hook up again and the whole thing continues. It really messes with my head.

We hang out with our mutual friends about twice a month and end up hooking up half the time, it's gone on like this for a year but we've never discussed it ... I'm not used to confronting people and doing the "Where do I stand??" type of conversations. I've also observed that whenever people try to confront him, he'll just get really awkward and nervous and reply in a completely incoherent manner, so I don't know if there's any point to it. At the moment we're going through one of the non-communicative periods and it really hurts, I'm about to give up because even though I feel he's "the love of my life", it just seems too difficult.

A few questions:
1. When Aspies disappear for weeks on end and are completely unresponsive to any form of communication, do they ever think about you? Or is it an "out of sight, out of mind" situation?
2. With my situation, do you think it's just the Aspie traits OR is he just a non-committal guy who happens to be an Aspie?
3. If I were to confront him with the "Where do I stand?" kind of conversation, what would be the best way to approach it without freaking him out?

Thanks!

he does it to his friends also. i do some of those things as well. for aspies, you may need to initiate the communication. you need to let him know CLEARLY what you want.

keep at it.

Hmm I've heard of people that do this.

1) when i disappear i always think about everyone in my life. sometimes i disappear because i feel depressed. if I put myself in your friend's shoes he seems to be doing something to keep moving forward in your relaitonship but might be waiting for you to take the first step. if he sees you have not taken the first step then he might think you don't love him just as how you think about him for not communicating. i love someone too and sometimes when i don't think the person loves me i get depressed and would like to keep to myself, but always thinking about that person.

2) since each aspie portrays different traits and we can be very different i would not be able to say if "is an aspie thing". If he only seems to be non- committed to a relationship regarding communication then it might be some of his asperger's traits. sometimes i don't text back or respond to email becuase i simply don't know what to say and sometimes when i find the exact and best words to reply to any form of communication it might be too late so i don't reply anymore until i see the person again and talk in person. this takes me from about ten minutes (for cell-text) to two months (email) or so to reply, maybe more.

3) the fact that you are both open to communication to one another when you are together means that you should be able to talk to him openly about where you would like your relationship to go. everytime i think how i would tell the person i love how i feel about them i think about starting by talking and emphisizing about our friendship and how great i feel about it. then i would slowly involve deeper feelings til you get to the conclusion! For me, it would be better to get someone else's perspective in small pieces and not all at once since i need to analyze the situation and think a lot about what i would reply so give him plenty of time.

hope this helps and i good luck to you!

1. Yes. I've done the exact same thing and I still thought about the person in question, although it's a different type of thinking because it doesn't involve taking new information in, only analyzing old facts. Particularly, I did it in a very similar way when I was about 20 - 22, so he might grow out of it. I think it might come from having a different set of priorities (interests before people) and a sense that there's nothing logically wrong with not talking to a person.

2. It seems like it might be an Aspie thing. I have a hard time picturing many NTs doing such a thing.

3. Be clear and specific. Maybe tell him that you have feelings for him and for that reason can't be around him casually; that way he is free to seek you out for a relationship. It seems totally illogical to stop seeing him altogether without letting him know that you still want to be with him, so make sure that he knows that. Speaking for myself, I tend to respond best to women who make their feelings and desires clear.

My 2 cents

1. I can easily get focused on some particular thing for days or even weeks. You might very well be 'out of mind' but not 'out of heart'.

2. No idea

3. I can often exhibit the same traits as your guy when confronted. A 'confrontation' can be something as simple as running into someone unexpectedly at a place I don't normally see them. Try simply telling him clearly and precisely how you feel, what you hope for, where you think things might go. No ambiguity

Honestly this guy sounds exactly like me, this is basically how I behave in every relationship in my life. Whether he really likes you or not, he probably doesn't know how to act. So let's pose a hypothetical situation here.

Suppose that he likes you a lot. He doesn't know how to act around you, he doesn't know what to say, what to do. He is afraid of saying the wrong thing even if he does work out what to say. Everything he wants to say is very carefully considered, and even then he might just freak out at the last second and not be able to say something. He doesn't want to say something that will make you hate him, so rather than take that risk he ends up saying nothing. The times when you are able to have intelligent conversations and things are going well are probably because by some sheer coincidence the conversation headed in a good direction and he went with your lead. Everything he does is probably based on your lead.

When he is away from you, he is definitely thinking about you all the time. The doubt you are feeling about whether he likes you or not, he is feeling 10 times stronger. He just doesn't know how to initiate the next contact, what to say to you, what to do with you. He literally has no idea how to talk to you and is wondering how on earth he'll ever be able to talk to you again.

In this case, you must take the lead. It is unfortunate in our society that the males are the ones to take the initiative, but if you don't, he never will, and he will never know that you love him as much as you do because he will never be able to find out by himself. Find something you can do together, find some way to be together.

Now suppose this isn't the case. You take the lead and he doesn't feel like that. You haven't lost anything. So take the initiative and you might just make this guy's life. It's a no lose situation, if he does feel like that you end months of uncertainty and make this guy the happiest guy in the world.

Your title says it all; you're constantly breaking your heart over this guy. I don't blame you, and I know what it feels like to be strung along like this. Don't confuse stress with passion!

He probably doesn't worry about contacting you until the next meet-up/party because he knows he's going to see you again. It's only when the meeting up isn't guaranteed that it occurs to him that he should maybe have some initiative. He is capeable of showing it, he's just to lazy to bother when it's 'in the bag' already. I think you've fallen into the same trap that a lot of guys here on Wrongplanet fall into, only in your case, you're stuck in the 'friends with benefits' zone.

If you really want him to stop taking you for granted, then don't treat him like a romantic interest anymore; I don't mean just pretend, I mean really try your best to see him as just 'a good mate'. If it helps, find another guy to crush on, or get a real boyfriend so that you can focus on them instead. Hopefully if this happens, you won't care about your friend not contacting you between meetings anymore. Ironically, he may actually buck up as a result (in my own experience, my previously apathetic ex suddenly started contacting me every day when I lumped him in friends territory, and even more when he realised I had another boyfriend. Bit late )

Trust me, this guy is not the love of your life!

Sorry, better answer the questions

HopeGrows nailed it.

As for how you oughta react to it, well, that depends on how important he is to you versus how important it is that you get enough attention. If you can't live like this, if this isn't enough, then it's unlikely that he'll be able to permanently change sufficiently to live up to your desires. His introversion, quietness, requirement for space, etc, is immutable.

So, you might be at a decision point. I would suggest seriously considering taking a look around you at the other potentially cool guys, and imagining how things might be as fulfilling, but more frequent. This pattern is not temporary. It's not something that's prone to change all that much, aside from moving in with him..... Which will probably morph the problem and exacerbate it, since you'd expect him to be less distant in such a circumstance, only to be let down.

It unlikely he'll change enough, so you should decide whether that's okay or not. If you're not sure, then the answer is probably sufficiently 'no' that you oughta break it off, perhaps only temporarily. Sometimes the solution to a problem is perspective. And often times you've gotta leave the group of trees to see the forest, so to speak.

...Oog, another bad analogy for my tally...

Hey thanks for all the replies, I appreciate that you took the time to write them.

Things haven't been too great since my last post. After reading your responses I agreed that it probably was just a FWB situation and spent a few weeks trying to avoid /get over him. However a few days ago I ran into him again and as always, once we were alone, he acted very tender and affectionate, held my hand and kissed me. This time I blurted out that I really liked him. He became extremely awkward and said "Um...cool", I was completely crushed.

But then he suddenly became more passionate toward me ..?! I wasn't sure if it was because that was the only way he knew how to express himself or if he was just really flattered/felt sorry for me. Also I don't know if this is even relevant but while we were together we heard a song for the first time, and his housemate told me he's been listening to that song on repeat ever since, and that he's barely left the house, which is odd because he normally parties a lot. He hasn't contacted me at all though... not that I expect him to.

I think it's a lost cause. I love him and - after a whole year of this - I'd really like to think he loves me, but I don't think he does. Or at least not enough to get out of his comfort zone.