I kinda need help

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Okay, so basically there is this girl I like. I used to be totally shy even saying hi to her, although now we're really good friends. We talk a lot, be it online or in person. We've even been on trips together, and she knows I have a crush on her.

Problem is, I've fallen into the "just friends" zone. How do I get it to be more than that without ruining the friendship? Unfortunately, I don't do flirting well, which doesn't really help things. Anybody have any advice on how to get out of the "just friends" zone?

I wish I had some advice for you because I have that same problem. I always fall into the just-friends category & it never turns into anything more. When I try telling a woman how I feel; I risk losing our friendship but if I don't push for a relationship; the women keep coming to me to talk about other guys & it hurts. Either way i end up hurt & stay single

What's wrong with risking ruining the friendship? If the relationship you have is not the one you want, and you're continuing to cultivate it anyway, then you're just being a masochist.

F**king tell the girl what you want. If she says that's not what she wants, move on. Don't sit there and suffer, 'cause mooning like an injured puppy is not going to impress her into changing her mind. And sitting around feeling like sh*t while you watch someone you have feelings for dating other guys is just stupid.

You are right about one thing, though - not making your move in the beginning, hesitating and choking back what you really want until she's classified you as a 'friend' is a mistake, it's very hard to back up from that and be taken seriously as a suitor once that has happened - but it's not impossible. The reason it's a difficult trick to pull off is, when it's made obvious you've had these feelings for a while and haven't said anything, you are exposing yourself as having been too weak to pursue what you really wanted. That's only romantic in sappy movies. In real life, it rarely sweeps a girl off her feet.

Stop wasting time and give it a shot. But do it with the confident knowledge that if you're shot down, the world won't end and a better situation more suited to you will come along soon. Do not go into it thinking you're going to curl up and die if you don't get THIS ONE. Because that kind of desperation gives off a funky smell and girls aren't usually attracted to it.

This is the problem i keep having with this kind of advice. No, I don't curl up and die if i get rejected. But I have serious doubts as to whether i'll ever get another chance or not... that's why i have to be certain before making a move...

Ask her out on a 'real' date... a nice dinner. A dressier place than you'd usually go, where you won't run into anyone you know, so you won't get interrupted. Bring her a flower or two; not too lavish, just something small and sweet. Enjoy the dinner, talk about the usual things, pick up the tab.

Take her home, tell her what a pleasant time you had (provided you did) and that you look forward to seeing her around (wherever you usually hang out). And leave... don't try and kiss her... even if maybe she seems to want to. I say this because she may feel obligated, and that's fake. We're going for something more genuine.

Be a gentle-man.

If that seems to go over well, then a show, concert, special exhibit... something you have a common interest in. And again arrive with a small gift... flowers, a special sweet.

Make her feel special in a quiet, subdued sort of way... valued and appreciated as a lovely human being.

You could even ask the women in this forum for little romantic ideas beyond the dinner and flowers... I'll bet you'll get all kinds of suggestions.

A strong friendship is a very good basis for a stable relationship.

You say she knows about your crush. If so I think she would have acted on it if she wanted to. Pushing the issue is uncouth (gosh I love that word).

If you want to then "move out of the friend zone", but it might as well be in the opposite direction from what you intend. The only thing might be if she is really shy and unsure of herself and she doubts your crush or something.

Theres no point pursuing a friendship if its not what you want.

If she flat out rejects you... would you still want to hang out with her, even if everything is fine? Is that what you really want? To continue a friendship of someone you like talking about other guys or stuff like that?

It seems you only stay in this friendship for the slight chance of a relationship. Will you still want the friendship when that off chance is an absolute NO?

You have to answer that before you make any moves.

A lot of men do this. Then come to me and say "Oh, I realised now that theres no chance of a relationship that I don't really want to be her friend" When talking about a "friend" who rejected them romantically.

Is that you?

You won't get another chance. No is no. Trying to change that answer only makes it a bigger, more emphatic NO.

There is no certainty, because you aren't inside another person's head or heart and you can't control or seriously influence their decisions about who they are or aren't attracted to. Ya just gotta spill it and get it over with:

"You know, I feel like I made a huge mistake when we first met, by not saying what I was thinking right up front - now I feel like I've kinda been relegated to the bench as 'permanent buddy' and that really...well, it kinda sucks. Because I'd really rather be kissing you. Is that possible, or did I miss my window?"


It really is that simple. But there's no way it's ever going to be less than a risk. The only thing you can ever be sure of is what will happen if you don't take it.

nothing.

You said she knows you have a crush on her. How did she react? If it wasn't "ew, go away, that's creepy, never talk to me again" (and it wasn't, or she wouldn't still be friends with you), then flirt with her. The worst thing she could say is "no, I just want to be friends." Which is where you are now, so you won't have lost anything.

Think about the line between friendship and dating. What's just past the line into the dating realm? Try doing that. (e.g., If you guys have only had lunch or seen each other during the day, go out for dinner). If she responds positively, go a step farther than that. And so on. The most important thing is to watch her reactions. Does she respond neutrally, negatively, mildly positively, or does she up the ante? If she's negative, you probably want to stop; if she's neutral or mildly positive you may want to go slower; if she ups the ante, escalate the flirtation yourself. I don't want to be too precise because the exact activity and timing vary depending on the people involved, but Sound gives more details here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf122907-0-30.html

Speaking as a woman...and I know I'll get in trouble for generalizing...but a lot of us are flattered by flirting and enjoy it. Sometimes, knowing someone likes us romantically makes us like them more--if we're already predisposed to like them, it may even be a turn on. I think guys who catastrophize about flirting with someone they like shouldn't be so worried.

Yeah its a bit of a generalisation. Its a certain type of women who is easily flattered, not most/a lot.

You're right about knowing someone likes them makes us like them more though.

I don't think she means easily flattered, I think she means flattered by the attention. I don't know a single woman who doesn't like to be wooed, romanced, and made to feel special. What it takes to do that varies from woman to woman, some are easier to figure out than others, but I think showing a woman affection attention and making her feel important and special to you is quite an art.

I've never had any trouble getting women to go out with me if the mutual interest was at all there... longer term has been another story.

Even the women I know that seem to enjoy being treated like dirt want to be the center of the scumbag's life...

Its the same thing. If you are "flattered by flirting and enjoy being flirted with" from anyone, you are easily flattered. It's different if its only from people who interest you.

If someone I don't like like that or know flirts with me it would weird me out or make me feel awkward, or someone I am more comfortable around but don't want to date I will appreciate their opinion but not "enjoy" it.



Again, it depends on who is doing it.

I guess I tend to think of someone who's easily flattered as someone who believes the superficial and specious compliments of salespeople, hostesses, and 'social directors', for example.

Whereas if someone whom I respect and feel is sincere pays me a compliment for something I've actually done (not the color of my hair or the model of my car), then I am pleased by their appreciation. Which tends to remove the glib and vacuous.

So for me, it's not the same at all.



Of course. The interest must be mutual, there must be some sort of chemistry, romance only enhances that.



I did say there must be some mutual interest... otherwise it's just creepy.

Are you saying you don't care to be valued and romanced by someone you're interested in?

No, I was explaining what it means to be easily flattered. Some women, (I know several) just lapp up any compliment or anything and thrive off it.

I couldn't care less for that rubbish unless its someone I am really interested in. I didn't say anything about not liking to be flirted with by someone im intereted in.

You misunderstand my comment... I wasn't referring to another chance with the same person. I'm in an environment where opportunities to find women that would actually be interested in me at all are incredibly rare. I don't know if another woman would ever come along. I can't just rush headlong into things without having an idea of what's going on beforehand...

Last edited by ToadOfSteel on 09 May 2010, 10:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Romance and sex are two different things. I'd rather have romance, and wait until after marriage, for the sex. That doesn't mean that the guy can propose to me, the next time we meet.