Everyone is too good for me?

Post Reply New Topic

Ever feel like this? Before we talk about social skills, this topic is actually more about general executive dysfunction in undiagnosed/untreated adults than the direct motions of romantic relationships. I'm talking about the generally stunted development in managing ourselves that even the most high-functioning of us can experience in life, and how it can make it seem like no one in their right mind would stick around once they found out what an immature, hobbled, trying-to-catch-up mess we are. Frankly, I don't think it'd be fair to expect someone to put up with a junior high cum 27-year old self-sufficency case like me. I support myself with the only work I've been able to get: entry-level, no-qualifications. Figuring out how/where to get blinds for my apartment seems way more insurmountable than it should. A trip to get groceries makes me stay in my room and veg for the rest of the day and possibly some of the next. It feels like I waste time and fall further behind every day. So how can I expect to be taken seriously as a romantic prospect? (Never mind I'm clueless and have no romantic experience at all!) I feel like it'd be ridiculous and selfish of me to expect this.

OP, I think you've got to focus on the positive things you can bring to a relationship. And if you can't think of any positive things, then I'd suggest getting into therapy so you can work on making a more accurate assessment of who you are (cause everybody's got positive things to contribute to a relationship).

And when you find a woman you'd like to pursue, my advice is to be brutally honest - with yourself first - about the impact of ASD on you as a partner. In my experience, AS/NT relationship issues weren't as much about actual ASD symptoms, as about a lack of willingness to acknowledge them, and their impact on the relationship. While it may sound like simple advice to follow, I think it's incredibly difficult advice to follow - particularly for men. Men - ASD men included - still have a desire and need to bring strength, reliance, stability, etc. to a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that - nothing. But often the best way to bring that strength is to be painfully honest about the deficits that exist (cause honestly, refusing to acknowledge them doesn't make them go away - it just makes them virtually impossible to deal with within the context of the relationship - and that make it virtually impossible for the relationship to succeed).

I'm thinking of how @Mak has described his (successful) relationship with his wife: they seem to be opposites, but they compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses very well. And in order to compliment each other so well, they had to be willing to acknowledge those strengths and weaknesses first. Just try to keep that in mind, okay? Good luck.

I did something like that, roughly back in 2001, when I was really desperate for a girlfriend. But like a lot of aspies, I took a radically different approach to it, rather than the NT-style "look in the mirror and say nice things about yourself". Want to find out? Imagine a 10-page pamphlet written on legal-size (8.5" x 14") sheets of paper, with a detailed, bureaucratic-sounding writing style, not much different than a 1099 work contract. It basically outlined what the "receiving party" (my term for my future girlfriend) will be getting out of the relationship and what will be required from her, as outlined by the "providing party" (my term for myself). I even put lines for printed names, signatures, and dates at the end. Yes, I actually took the time to write it, albeit over the course of a week, and print it out. Luckily, I had enough social smarts not to show it to anyone, although I wished people could start relationships like that. I show her the document, she reads through it, decides if it works for her, both me and her sign it, and we start dating.

I wrote revised versions of it once every few years, when my life changed enough to warrant a major revision. I now use the 2007 version to outline what I will put into the relationship and what I expect to get out of it, although the 2010 version is in production, which will supersede the current one. (It's taking a long time to write it, due to being busy with work and stuff.) Obviously, I can never show it to any girl I plan to date, because she will think I'm a creep, and if she has a mean streak, will humiliate me in any way she knows.

@Aspie1, while I'm glad you haven't "published" your work to a prospective partner, I think it's a good approach to taking the kind of personal inventory that will help in your quest to know yourself, and know what your bring to a relationship. Well done.

There are women like you! I should know because I'm one of them.

However you have already taken the first step to solving some of your problems, and that's acknowleding them.

Now I'm going to be completely honest. There are things in life that will never come naturally to you, and so you will have to put a little more effort into some things than other people....many of us lack this "autopilot" mode than NT's seem to have.

Oh well, airplanes can be flown manually right?

Your job: You have a job that you have expressed is less than desirable. When most people are in this situation....they subjugate themselves to it and call it fate like they are bound to it like a slave. Luckily for us, we are not most people!

See if there is any opportunity in your company to move up. If not, start looking for job training programs or see if there is a way you can start attending school. Avoid those expensive trade schools that will teach you how to be a medical assistant or dental assistant or physical therapy aid. They are not worth your time or money.

Take a moment to consider what you really want to do in life...anything you would enjoy and feel you have the aptitude to do, and ask yourself, what's really stopping you from doing it? If the answer is, just yourself, tell yourself, "to bad for you because we're doing it anyway," and go fetch.

It really isn't easier said than done. It's actually fairly easily done. If you keep putting one foot in front of the other you eventually get somewhere.


Supermarket: Don't do large shoppings at once. Go in for a brief moment to get a few things. Do more frequent, but shorter outings.

Thanks for the compliment. Just for fun, here are some snippets from the 2001 version, the first one ever written. It's 18 chapters long, with a selection shown here.

**********
INTRODUCTION
I, __________, am agreeing to enter into a romantic relationship with Aspie1 on ____(day), ____(month), 20__(year), fully in agreement with the terms indicated in subsequent parts of this document.
DEFINITIONS: [there's more than shown here]
2. "Providing Party" - this term refers to Aspie1, the person offering the relationship.
3. "Receiving Party" - this term refers to the person entering into a relationship with Aspie1.
----------
CHAPTER 2: ROMANCE
SECTION 1: AGREEMENT TO ROMANCE
The Providing Party understands the Receiving Party's personal wishes for romance on dates and in daily interactions. Therefore, the Providing Party agrees to provide it for the purpose of continuing this relationship. It will be given to Receiving Party as indicated in the subsequent sections of this chapter. [This is one of the longest chapters.]
SECTION 4: THIRD-PARTY EVENTS
The Providing Party understands that a university, places of employment, and/or commercial businesses may host events that may have a romantic nature. He agrees to relay the information to the Receiving Party, so that she may take it into consideration, and enjoy the benefit of romance provided by such an event. It will remain the Providing Party's responsibility to ensure that the Receiving Party enjoys the romance of this event, even though the atmosphere is provided by the third party. In the light of this, the Receiving Party waives the right to voice complaints about any grievances beyond the Providing Party's control.
SECTION 10: RESTAURANTS
It will be the Providing Party's responsibility to research restaurants that provide the most romantic atmosphere, and will take her food preferences into account. It is important to note that they will be limited to areas accessible by public transit. For further information about it, refer to CHAPTER 3 [it covers public transit, since I didn't have a car in 2001].
----------
CHAPTER 7: PHYSICAL AFFECTION
SECTION 2: HUGS
Hugs are expected as a normal occurrence in this relationship. They are expected starting from the first date, at the end of any date, and at least once each day when the Providing party and the Receiving Party meet each other in person. More hugs may be given at the Receiving Party's discretion, although the Providing Party reserves the right to initiate, but not force, a hug at any in-person meeting between parties outlined in Chapter 7, Section 2.
SECTION 3: EARLIEST REQUIREMENT OF FRENCH KISSING
A French kiss as this term is defined in the Webster's Dictionary, is expected by the fourth date at the minimum. This is necessary to ensure the genuineness of the Receiving Party's romantic interest in the Providing Party, and to eliminate the possibility of a platonic friendship between the parties outlined in Chapter 7, Section 3, as it is not permitted under the terms of this document.
----------
CHAPTER 11: SEX
SECTION 1: WAIVER
Sex in this relationship is not expected at any point this document is in effect, and therefore, is beyond the scope of this document. The Providing Party hereby waives any expectations of sex. Should sex happen, it will not be governed by this document, and will happen strictly in agreement with the Receiving Party's personal wishes.
----------
AGREEMENT
By signing the lines below, I fully agree with the terms indicated in this document, and will enter into a romantic relationship with Aspie1.
(followed by lines to sign and date this document)
**********

(Why the waiver? In 2001, I haven't even held hands with a girl, so sex wasn't a priority. Besides, I thought that this "waiver" would makes girls more willing to date me. Crazy, I know.) Each chapter shown has more sections that cover additional things (except Ch. 11), and missing chapters cover areas that a typical relationship involves. Of course, I'd post it all on here, but it takes up 12 legal-size pages, and probably a lot longer on the WP forum. I know that this is not how dating works, but I can't help but wonder how much easier dating would be if it did.