Can anybody tell me some aspie dating success stories ?

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Hi,

One way or another I want to get a woman into my life and im trying to figure out where to focus my energies.

One thing is almost totally certian if I just go about my life and do what I normally do nothing will happen.
Ive proven that time and again over the last 10 years.

NTs dont really understand this concept. Most of them dont seem to plan ahead very much.
They walk out the door interact with other people and one thing leads to another and suddenly they are married with two kids
and they not even sure how they got there. It was just fate .

Consider the following ....

NT women are generally attracted to men with high social value, they seek out the most important man with in their
social group and if hes taken then the second and so on . This is almost never an Aspie Man.

NT Mens primary selection creitera is physical beauty so of the already very small group of women that have aspergers the sexy ones are already highly sort after buy the general population of males.

This means the odds of meeting a single reasonably attractive woman with Asperger's Syndrome are very slim and thats before even considering wether their personality and other traits are compatible.

A common theme I have noticed over the past couple of months from speaking to a few other Aspies in relationships is that they all seem to be dating forigners. Somebody who was raised in another country with a different culture to their own.

I worked as a contacter in the IT industry for 8 years when I was in my twenties. Looking back I think it was full of undiagnosed Aspies along with a lot of gerenally geeky and socially awkard guys. I noticed a common trend. Successful IT geeks would solve the girl friend issue by dating Chinese girls. Often very sexy ones.
For some reason the Chinese seemed to apply a whole different selection criteria.

Id really like to hear some stories about Aspie men who have managed to beat the trend and score a great female partner.
How did it happen, was it just a one off lucky event or the result of alot of resonal effort ?
What sort of girl ended up liking you for your self, was it another Aspie?, a forgin girl ? or just a really unusal NT girl ?

From what ive read Aspergers seems to be genetic. If thats true then I wonder how it survived to be passed down to the next generation. The majority of women dont seem to want to reproduce with men that display Asperger qualities ?. It might have been passed along through the females but then they would have had to have a much larger number of children than the other NT females to keep it in the population otherwise it would have died out.

Mark.

Well, you're right. John Carmack, possibly an AS poster child, ended up dating his secretary, Anna Kang.

Very NT here. I dated an Aspie for five years. We hung out with the same group of friends. My guy NEVER had trouble getting girls--the trouble was staying in relationships.

Being an Aspie isn't a barrier to being in a relationship, but you will need a couple of things once you are there:

1.) A very accepting mate, preferably someone who had a really controlling parent. (They, and I, are comfortable with relationships with a lot of rules. Look for people in social-work-type jobs.)

2.) An acceptance of the fact that the easiest way to deal with an NT is to accept that they will not get some of what bugs you. If you can just say, "Not sure if this is me or you, but I need you to do x, y, and z." (Like, "Leave me alone because I'm overburdened; don't focus on me when we're in a public place.) E-mail is really good for this.

3.) Get counseling yourself. You can't much change what you are, but you will be much better able to explain what you need, and to deal with the depression that goes with Asperger's, which tends to end relationships.

4.) A group of friends that can introduce you to NTs who are like you in other ways. Your being an Aspie, believe it or not, is only a small part of who you are. Common interests, values, and sexual compatibility are other things that will really sustain a relationship, regardless of who you are.

5.) Understand that you will need to go into a relationship with the idea that you must commit--that goes a long way to getting an NT to be willing to work on communication and acceptance.

6.) Finally, you need a bit of a thick skin; I'm seeing a counselor to try to figure out what happened or happens in NT/AS relationships, and she seems to think that NTs shouldn't date Aspies--even though she treats Aspies! Not everyone will be copacetic with the Aspie thing once they start dating you. If not, their loss. You guys are some of the sweetest men I've ever been around.

I've made friends with a few women who have excellent social skills. If you consider people with average social skills as sufficient to meet each other halfway, then it follows that someone with below-average social skills should seek out someone with above average social skills to bridge the gap. Generally, I can get along with other people who have good social skills. However, if another person's social skills aren't enough to bridge the gap with me, then things just don't work right, or I might appear angry or I might get uncomfortable to the point of not being able to salvage the interaction, and this has happened to me with entire groups of people. I don't think depression is an intrinsic or necessary part of my experience. I have a better understanding of what I experience and why, and I exercise a lot, so I rarely get depressed these days.

1) Practice practice practice this means meeting and talking to as many members of the opposite sex as possible.

2) Consider the use of dating sites but it is ESSENTIAL that you are 100% honest when filling out the answers to questions.

3) If it doesn't work out then sit down and carefully analyze what went wrong including the behavior of both of you. Learn from your mistakes modify your behavior and then try again. Above all you need to realize that failure in this case is an option so you just accept it and then move on.

4) Seriously consider some social skills training but be yourself when interacting with members of the opposite sex. The idea is that you shouldn't be acting but over time, modify your social skills so that you look and act more attractive.

5) Sign up at a mixed health club or gym. Apart from being a great place to meet the opposite sex you'll gain muscle, gain confidence and lose the beer gut.

6) Keep a diary. You don't need to make an entry each day but make sure that you record all your successes and failures.

7) Keep accurate records. If your cellphone rings you NEED to know who it is before you answer. This also avoids embarrassing incidents such as asking her where her father is when (three weeks ago) she told you that he died when she was a kid. Been there done that.

Using the above I've had a few sad moments but lots of fun, and yesterday I spent two hours in a jacuzzi with a pretty girl who was wearing nothing but a bikini and a smile. What did you do yesterday?

Vanilla_Slice

i think the only succsessfull relationship i have ever had was with another aspie. and at your chineese girl thing, i have an explanation. aspies tend to be great providers, and in the asian culture, a man needs to be a provider. so they may tend to date the boring yet providing aspie, and ignore the malitious interesting NT bad boy.

Where to focus your energies? Yourself, working to be the best version of yourself possible - not a clone or something you're not. If you see yourself as worth the attention, others will, too. I read entirely too many broad generalizations and negative stereotypes applied to NTs... why not learn how to utilize those tendencies to advantage? And beware of the racial assumptions you are leaning towards. The same woman who is dating freely now may be the same one in 2 years that is weary of that lifestyle and wants something entirely different.

My wife, while not 'neurotypical' is certainly not on the spectrum. In many ways, we are night and day to each other, and we complement we other incredibly well. We were patient though, having spent eight years as friends before we allowed ourselves to pursue the romantic feelings we each had.


M.

Dear Juno,

No, I'm not still dating my Aspie. He is very recently diagnosed, and rather than dealing with it, he decided to date a coworker of his because, "He can be a different person with her."

He has no idea that a new relationship won't cure his OCD, hoarding behaviour, rocking, finger-peeling, relationship-phobic, NT normal behaviour blaming, general depression, and inability to stand other people for long enough to live with them. And, that he should have gone into counseling a year ago if he were serious about her. (No, I'm not bitter.)

The point here is to get someone to date you that has the same friends, values, and interests, but before you there, get some relationship coaching. If you don't know how difficult you can be for an NT, or what your actions might do to an NT, or how to communicate with one, and, most importantly, what appropriate, or at least not terrible behavior is, specifically not to take your relationship for granted, you have no business dating.

Personally, I'm going to get to watch this one crash and burn, and then have to pick up the burned husk of a mid-forties male, because we're neighbors and still have the same friends. Don't do this to someone else.

Although if it makes you feel any better, "Yes, he does all of the above behaviors, and I would have never left him."