Why do I keep pushing people away?

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My first relationship was really good. She cared about me, she was loving, and she matched everything I ever wanted in a partner. I didn't just break it off with her once. I did it twice. I was so afraid of getting hurt, that I started creating excuses in my head for why things wouldn't work.

My second relationship, it was because I didn't want to be alone, and that was a mistake. The third one, I ended up tearing out someone else's heart yet again. I didn't want to get hurt, so I found reasons as to why things wouldn't work out.

Now I've done it again, except this time I didn't just break it off. I slept with another person.

What is wrong with me? I don't want to be alone. I want someone I can come to each night, but it scares me more than anything. What if they leave me? What if they find some way to tear my entire life apart?

I feel like a leper right now. People shouldn't even waste their time on me...

Yes, me too! In this sense I am to blame for not being in a relationship with a woman! I have rejected women because they told me obvious lies, or because they smoke, or because they're doing things that are very unhealthy or which lead me to question their own ability to manage their own affairs. My own pickiness is one of the significant barriers that has led to the condition of me being a virgin to this day. It's like I've been stuck in "marriage mode" where I need to have reason for thinking highly of her in order to have casual interaction.

On a side note:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1278583/Young-people-drinking-neat-vodka-EYE-quick-buzz.html

Do you really think I should count on these women to get vaccinated against HPV? Hell no! I've already had my first dose of the vaccine, and I'm scheduled for the other two. I am onto the idea that, people in general judge negatively when you tell them you have a college education because of what they did when they went, or would have done if they had gone and they assume you did the same.

I'm going to agree with you slightly however...

The first one it took awhile for me to get past the looks part which i did , ended up falling for but it went down hill when we got to bed.. she stunk , BAD i think her parts were out of date!. Second one , it was ok at first but the long distance , the fact that she was moody when she was with me but not when away and she was overweight and didn't like certain positions. Which my mind made more excuses after that to finish with her. The next one had a smoking habbit which i was ok with at first but the smoking became heavy and it was like kissing an ash tray..

The newest one i never made second base because i pulled away , read " i'm frustrated " post (recovering alcoholic).

I wouldn't say you are making excuses , you are just having thoughts which are bothering you enough to make that final choice and haven't yet found someone that you truelly click with!

Trust me i'm still looking.

Two biggest things that put me off ( Smoking and Heavy Drinker ) , weight depends on the size

I want to disagree about the "small things" view. Frankly, because the things that were listed -- smoking and lying -- aren't small things. Smoking is a filthy habit. And lying is corrosive to relationships.

As for the search for perfection . . . I don't know. There are days I feel like I should settle down with the next chick who comes along. I'd never do that, but that's what seems like the most viable long-term solution.

I don't feel I will ever find anyone I can be happy with. So, for me it's easy to dispose of a relationship, because I don't feel any one relationship has more potential than another. In my whole life, I've had one relationship I regret ending. And even there it was purely because she was a sweetheart, and not because I felt that relationship was superior to any other.

I don't feel I push women away. I just don't feel a strong need in a relationship (or potential relationship) to do the work it takes to permanently glue relationship together. I find the whole set of expectations in relationship to be too taxing to justify the effort.