Crying over who he was or who he would have been

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I broke it off with my partner of six and a half years less than a week ago. We have two children, but we don't live together anymore. He moved out in September, I thought maybe a little space could help us salvage the relationship, but it didn't work.

I still love him. He's not perfect but I do. The problem is, he's not a good romantic partner and he acts out when he's stressed and I'm just at the point where I can't take it anymore. But it still hurts so much, because I remember how sweet he can be and how good of a person he really is, he's just not that great with me anymore. I guess that's one reason it hurts so much, because I feel like he doesn't love me enough to try to be better.

In the past when it's been over with a boyfriend I've just distanced myself from them and moved on (typically to another partner, I seem emotionally incapable of being alone), but I can't because of the children. And I feel like I'm somehow failing my kids because I can't keep this relationship together, because I'm quitting on it. I feel like I'm robbing them of something.

But mostly I'm just incapable of staying angry with him even though he's rude and inconsiderate now. I just thing of his good sides and the way things used to be with us and I really just want to pick up the phone and ask him to come back. But I don't, because I know nothing's going to change.

I feel so alone. I can't turn to anyone for the kind of consolation I need. I know there are people who would like to help me but I just can't bring myself to let them help me, accept for just listening to me rant. But really I just want to be held, it's been so long since I was held by someone, nobody's wiped the tears from my face for years, except my son and I don't want him to see me cry, it's not fair to him.

I don't want to be this lonely, but I don't want to meet anyone either. It's so hard for me to find someone I feel free to be open with I just can't see myself getting the energy to even try.

Maybe if I'd done something different he would have been able to be who I need him to be.

First of all, you're not responsible for someone else.

Secondly, y'all have been fighting and he's emotionally flooded. If you really want to give it another try, tell him, but tell him you need space. (Like, months of space.)

Then, don't even try to re-establish a relationship unless he really acts differently, and agrees to get himself some counseling.

But, if he is just treating you badly, even when you're not breaking up. you're probably better off.

Normally he hasn't been treating me badly, just taking me for granted and being emotionally distant from me. He's not abusive in any sense of the word, but I've been feeling for a long time that a relationship should be more than this. I've just figured it will get better with time, once the kids are older, but then again, what if it doesn't and I've spent my time unhappy in a relationship for years because I thought it would change? I'm not expecting wining and dining, but there's been so little affection. He only tells me he loves me when he's been drinking and that's really the only time he gets emotional or affectionate at all, otherwise I have to basically pull it out of him. And he's rather health conscious and exercises a lot so the last time he had a drink was New Year's Eve.

Maybe he just doesn't know how to express it, maybe just suck at picking up the cues, but for the past year(s) I really haven't felt much love from him....

Disclaimer: I'm probably not the person to ask about this, because as pessimistic as I am about relationships, I don't believe in divorce.

That said, you said that you wonder if you would have spent years in a loveless relationship--

what happens if you start feeling better about him, and then you spend years wondering if you should have stayed with him?

Hi.

You are going through grief. In the grieving process, a person goes through stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Sadness (Kubler-Ross). Grief happens with any loss (loss of a loved one, news of a terminal illness, loss of a job, loss of a relationship).

It sounds like you could be going through any one or combination of these stages. This is all normal.

Remember, many relationships end (divorce/separation for marriage/common law and just moving on for those in dating relationships). We have people in our lives for a reason and a season. The reason and season of this relationship ran its course (for both of you).

Your priority right now is your children. You are there rock and stability. Regardless of whether your dating or in a relationship or independent - you need to provide them with a stable life.

Take this time to grieve the loss of the relationship and concentrate on yourself and your family. Let the loss of this relationship pass until you come to acceptance and peace about it.