Fear of Commitment vs. Just Not Knowing What I Want ...

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I was talking to a co-worker the other day about my relationship issues and he laughed and said I was just afraid of commitment. I guess this was because I haven't had much luck with dating lately and seem unable to move on or make a clean break from people I've dated in the past. I'd really call it stagnation or confusion more than fear of commitment, though.

The last few guys I've dated have been completely different in terms of personality, goals in life, background, etc. I'm starting to think a big part of my problem is that I'm just not sure what I want out of a relationship (or life in general) and it's going to be nearly impossible to find what I can't clearly define.

I understand figuring out priorities in life takes time and perspective, but does anyone have any advice or resources to point me in the right direction? I've given being introspective a shot and haven't gotten too far yet, so I'm thinking it might be time to look outward ... thanks!

Methinks you're simply being particular and not willing to settle. The idea of dating is to try and not only find someone who pleases you, but to also help refine your own sense and sensibilities.

We may disparage it and call someone picky, elitist, a snob or simply unable to commit. It may be that we are being hopefully romantic and dreaming of the right guy to come around - even though we do not know what he is and/or where.

As stated by the SCOTUS (although it was about obscenity), "I know it when I see it."

From what you've said - it's not about you. And to reiterate, keep on dating and you'll find the right guy who will understand you and help you understand yourself.

So, what can be done?

Make a list! List all the traits and characteristics of what you think is in an ideal mate. Then make a list of your own good/bad traits. With the three lists, prioritize and redefine what is your ideal, what is necessary to be complimentary/supplementary and what (negative traits) you're willing to live with and/or work with.

IF that guy walked into your life - I seriously doubt you would have an issue with commitment

Absolutely great advice!

After you compile your laundry list of attributes that you must have in a viable romantic interest, then please just follow your instincts.

A friend told me once: "Intuition is your brain working behind you.'

Just my thoughts!

HR

I wouldn't worry too much about one person saying you're afraid of committment. The world's full of people who are dying to put your problems into a neat, glib phrase like that, but really they've no right to. A better approach is to just suggest that maybe it's this or that, and to let the receiver pass judgement on the suggestions. So if you don't think the label fits, don't wear it. Personally I'd think it would only fit you if you'd blown off suitors without being able to give good reasons that were to do with their peronalities, and if you found the idea of giving commitment more scary than most people do.

Very sage advice. Thanks.

Well, um, it hasn't been just one person. That said, I have been in committed, long-term relationships before. I'm just more analytical than many people and tend to think a lot about taking any sort of action, so I can see how that might look like fear of commitment to someone who doesn't know me very well.

OK, don't worry too much about several people saying it then. Maybe the commitment-phobia thing is just a fashionable "diagnosis."

My question for you is are you able to get what you want from a relationship or not? This may not be fear but rather lack of confidence. And confidence can be learned. It just seems to me that your confidence has taken a bit of a beating and could use some stimulating. That may come off as fear.

Standards are good, but too many standard can be harmful. And don't underestimate a guy who is willing to make some changes that come closer to fitting your standards.

I hope this helps.