I'm stuck thanks to my shyness...

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Hello there, I have been looking around on this forum for a long time, but seldom logged in or written anything in return. I thought it was time I apaart of just reading of other peoples issues and opinions of love and dating I actually would post something about my current situation (I kinda need help, and just reading only goes so far to solve my problem). Forgive me if this post isn't very well-written, please let me know if something is unclear.

I'm 17 years old and I have a crush on a girl in my class. I think the girl in question has AS-tendencies (she is a bit isolated and we get along well and there are a lot of small things that are similar to things I do that I associate with my disorder), but she has no such feelings towards me. My feelings for her will never lead me anywhere, she is clearly not intrested in having me as a boyfriend.
The only way to get out of this hopeless crush is to drag myself away from my comfort zones and meet other girls, so I can hopefully find someone more intresting than her.

The problem is that I am a shy and socially incompetent person. I realy want to speak to and meet more women/girls, but my fear of doing inapropriate social behaiviour is holding me back. For instance, I have noticed a cute girl sitting at my bus every morning. Most of the times she is alone, yet I have never dared to initate contact with her. Just saying thoose few words "Can I sit here?" and initate a conversation is very though for me and I just don't dare do it.

So, I'm stuck. Before I become more confident in my social abilities and "grab the bull by the horn" I will keep hoping for some miracle to make that girl in my class fall in love with me, and I fear that my obsessive intrest for her, combined with the teasing by our classmates (everyone knows about our situation), will eventually annoy her greatly and put serious harm to our friendship.

That's a tough situation. But you seem to be looking at things mostly objectively.

The real catch here is that confidence doesn't usually come via any realization. Rather, it's mostly accrued from your history. The things you've done, or intend to do. So your lack of confidence in the social arena stems from having avoided social situations, and thus lacking social experience as a result.
A Catch-22, if I ever saw one.

No matter what, you'll need to start small. But even starting small, you'll have to be consistent, committed, and tenacious. If you want things to change for the better, you have to decide that you're going to do what it takes. Even if you don't fully know what you're going to have to do. It's a commitment to yourself to keep trying, keep pushing. You set your bar, you hold yourself accountable for your progress. Sometimes you'll fail, but if you commit, then those failures won't adjust your bar. You'll end up running into situations where your chest is in your throat, but if you make a commitment to do difficult things, then at least your commitment can serve in the place of confidence, in part.

So to paraphrase, lacking confidence, you'll need to garner commitment to help you.

Aside from that, you'll want to get used to thinking from a different, specific perspective: What are the consequences of a failure?

For instance, lets say you sit down next to this girl on the bus again, and decide to try and talk to her this time.
"Hi. You know, it's kind of funny that after all this time, I don't know anything about you." (*smile*)
To which she coldly replies, in a worst case scenario, "Yeah, that's on purpose."

If she says that, I'm guessing she'll have shut you down cold. I'd be hard pressed to recover from that too! But what were the consequences? Does she think differently of you? Probably not, but if she did, what's the significance? Does this have any impact beyond this girls opinion of you? Will she start spreading rumors all the sudden? Will the people in adjacent seats point and laugh? A lot of nightmare possibilities can be imagined. But in reality, things aren't so extreme, the results are small. These nightmare scenarios aren't going to happen. The chances are low. And even if the worst possible chain of misfortune befalls you, what is the results of that? Pretty much nothing, aside from feeling embarrassed. It's really not significant.

If you stay objective, and ask yourself whats the worst can happen, you'll see that there's not much to worry about. We get wrapped up in the little things, and lose sight of the fact that these moments are small, with small results, and small meaning, and small consequences. It's like one of those little dogs that barks loudly, and constantly. That's what our fear is like, when it comes to social stuff. It's that annoying little neighborhood dog that flashes up to the fence, and follows you and makes a massive, pointless racket. It's nothing to be scared of if you see it for what it is.



....And for the sake of not monologuing further, I'm gonna just stop typing here.

If you know the girl in question has no feelings for you, you may just want to leave it alone. If she gets angry you probably won't even have a friendship anymore.

The confidence you need will have to come from socializing a lot. I know it can wear you down cause it wears me down but if you purposely take out 2 or 3 nights a week to socialize it can really help. Like Sound said, you won't always have success but you have to take it all in stride or you'll never move ahead with it. One part of confidence is how you view yourself, so something like working out and getting fit might help you view yourself in better light and help you with your confidence.

The main thing is that you need to get out there and learn to socialize while finding things that will give you the confidence to proceed.

TL-DR

Let's see you grit those teeth!

There's a really funny show, that unfortunately was canceled after its second season called Better Off Ted. There's one episode where this one scientist character who thought it was his looks that were holding him back, discovered a guy who looked just like him via the Internet who was a big hit with the ladies. He decided that the other guy was having success because of confidence. He then decided that since he (the scientist) didn't have confidence, he would pretend he had it because if women thought he was confident he'd have more success even though he really didn't have it. It was hilarious.

Thanks for your responses. I guess it all comes down to a little self-discipline. I have to do what it takes, for my own sake, no matter how worried I get. The worst possible thing I could do is to do nothing.

It was a great monologe, as always You shouldn't worry about typing to much, because we can never get to much of your advice. It's great stuff.

Thank you for the compliment, I really appreciate it.
But I'm not convinced. A massive post can sometimes turn me off to reading it, so I figure that's true of others too... ><

Precisely!! Well said.
The little details of how to approach someone, or how to strike up a conversation smoothly, or be not-awkward are more tricky to figure out and execute, but we'll try and help if you need suggestions.

Well, it has been over a week since I brought this up, but I see no progress at all. So I guess I really don't properly know the little details of approaching someone and starting a conversation smoothly.
I would apretiate some advice

1) The cute girl on the bus. On the way to the bus stop buy a bag of candies and after opening them stuff the bag in your pocket. When on the bus sit next to this cute girl and, without a word, offer her the opened bag of candies. If you're feeling really cool then tell her you saved all the red ones for her.

2) The girl in your class. Wait until lunchtime and when you are filling your tray purchase TWO cans of soda. Sit down next to her and without saying anything open one of the soda cans and put it in front of her. If she's worth it she'll say thank you and you're off and running. If she isn't worth it the can will remain there or she'll drink it without saying thanks.

The common thread here are props, let them do some of the work for you.

Now, as for the general shyness problem, been there, done that, and I'll always regret never hooking up at school with Alison Turner because she was hotter than fire. I digress. You need practice, lots and lots of practice so get yourself a weekend or evening job where you can meet people on a regular basis one after the other. In my case it was working in a bank that was close to a university, and there was one pretty girl after another on the other side of the glass. An alternative is shop work where, behind a counter, you will soon get used to talking to people.

Vanilla_Slice

My boyfriend's best friend is a really reserved guy. A huge computer geek, really smart, not necessarily Asperger's, but definitely shy. He is 25 and has never had a girlfriend. He has stated that he is absolutely terrified of women and the idea of rejection is too much for him. He wouldn't dare make a move on a girl. The thing is, he is smart and very nice, has a good job and a nice car and is an overall cool guy. He lacks confidence to the extreme. In fact, I have been dating his best friend for over 2 years now, so you would think he would be comfortable around me, but he rarely looks, let alone talks to me. The few times I was able to get him to carry on a conversation with me was when he had a few drinks. Even when he is told that a girl likes him and it is safe to go talk to her, he won't.

Anyway, my point is that there is no reason to not make an attempt for fear of being perceived as strange or being rejected. No one likes the feeling of being rejected, but if you never try, you never know what might happen. And i'm sure we can all agree that there have been instances in our lives, whether it be attempting to stike up a relationship or otherwise, that we got that nauseated, shaking knees, racing pulse feeling. It's basically fear. The thing is, you have to push yourself through it and do it anyway (if it is something you really want, that you consider to be "worth it").

I would say to make an attempt to start talking to girls. If you have feelings for someone and they do not feel the same, yes it sucks, but you will get over it. Don't dwell on "failures" and don't worry too much about being awkward. I often view awkwardness as being unique or interesting. I am not on the autism spectrum (my wonderful son is), but I know that I have a rather "unique" personality, but I say out loud and quite often "i'd rather be weird than boring". I think you're going to be fine. Just try not to worry so much and have some confidence in yourself. I'd like to know if you have any luck in the future!

Thanks for the advice about props. I will keep that in mind, but for my specific situation, none of thoose will help:
1) Most of the time I only see her on the buss to school, and no stores in my area are open that early.
2) In my country, school meals are free - and they don't serve soda.
But don't worry, I still get the general idea.

That's so true, I recall reading an article somewhere on the web that basicly said that weird people (who are confindent enought to open up) often are the most intresting and fun people.
Also, that description of your boyfriends friend sounds a lot like me.

I would much rater have quirks and say/do things a little differently than walk around like a robot trying to fit in. I am not a social outcast by any means, but I don't strive for perfection or to fit in to any certain group of people. I mean really, I don't think most people think "You know, I wish I was completely average, walking around like a drone with no spice to my personality". I completely agree with what you said about weird people being the most fun and interesting.

POWA, what exactly is it that makes you so fearful of talking to the girl on the bus, or girls in general? Is it just that you get so anxious/scared/uncomfortable (like physically overwhelmed) that you can't get up the nerve to make the first move, or is it more in your head, like you keep wondering, "What if I do this" or "What is she thinks that"? Or is it more that you have the nerve to initiate a conversation, but you don't know what to talk about or how to keep the conversation flowing? Aside from the fact that you are a shy person in general, try to be specific to this situation. If you can look at this one thing (speaking to girls/dating) and pick it apart so you can identify what exactly it is that makes it so difficult for you, I think that would be the first step to finding a way to overcome what is holding you back.

In the case with my boyfriend's best friend, I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him out of it, and so do all of his friends, but that is not a valid solution. During a conversation with him (as stated above, he had been drinking a little, so he was willing to speak with me), he stated that he had many reasons for not approaching girls. Aside from being completely terrified, which was one of his reasons, he said he doesn't think he could handle the rejection, when he is interested in a girl he gets physically uncomfortable (knots in the stomach, etc) and he is also self conscious (I applaud a guy admitting that he is worried about his looks). He would like a girlfriend, but can't get up the nerve to do anything about it. Afterall the advice, encouragement and reassurance he has been given by his friends for years, he is still freaked out by the entire situation. Does any of this ring true for yourself?

This is one of those things that is SO much easier said that done, but sometimes the best solution is the most obvious. Unless a very confident girl makes the first move on you first, you may just have to work through all your concerns a just do it. Walk up to a girl scared to death, sick to your stomach, and just put a smile on your face and fake confidence. I know that sounds crazy, but that may be the only way to get over this.

I would like to hear back from you on this!

This dude reminds me a whole lot of myself. When it comes to rejection, I tend to hurt easily. I'm self-conscious as all hell, feeling that deep down, girls would hate me if they learned I was an Aspie (I tend to go toward NTs because I know far more of them than I know other Aspies), and the fact that I haven't been able to get my driver's license because of it does not help. I tried reading John Alexander and David DeAngelo's books, but nothing has really changed. I often wonder if women even know that I exist at all. I'd fake confidence, but I feel like I'm really too honest for my own good.

I think the main problem is that I don't dare to make the first move. When I'm not around her, or other attractive females, I am pretty sure I can handle it and make contact succesfully. But when I actually see them, and have oppertunities to socialize with them, I get nervous and freeze up. I fear that I will make a bad impression, and make BS excuses to myself of why I didn't speak to her at this particular time. I just can't get myself into the mindset of actually doing it when it's time to take action.
I think to myself "I didn't havebreakfast today, this is not the optimal time.", "This shirt is ugly. Some other time would be better.", "It's monday, and I havn't slept properly. I would probably screw up.".

There is also a fear that if I flirt with a girl, any friendship we could have had would be seriously damaged, (she would think of me as a creep). And if I don't flirt early on I will be stuck in the friend zone, like what happened to the girl in my class, and basicly everyone prior. That is a big part of the problem. What is your take on this, fellow community?

This particular situation is getting ridicilous. I see her at the bus and school daily, we make brief eye contact, our friends can speak to each other confortably and yet I always postpone that first conversation.

The sad thing is, there will probably never be an optimal time, so you'll have to settle for the least-least-optimal so you don't end up like this guy: