How to lower the standards without settling.

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I think a lot of men on here have unrealistic standards. Just because they aren't physical attraction standards (i.e. wanting a model) doesn't make it any better or any more practical. Whenever there are "What are your requirements in a girlfriend?" posts, the guys have lists as far as the eye can see. I was no different.

If you remember, late last year, early this year, I made a post about how I basically wanted a choir girl who's never had an alcoholic drink in her life, among other things. That stuff is just a smoke-screen and an excuse...in other words "That person doesn't fit my criteria, so it wouldn't work out anyway" even though that isn't necessarily the case.

In a non-dating related analogy, I was determined to be in the type of band that had a horn section and cute female background singers and play stuff like Huey Lewis And The News, Doobie Brothers, Michael McDonald, Steely Dan. Well I found talented musicians that were obsessed with Steely Dan (though not into the other stuff.) At first, I was upset that a lot of the songs we were doing other than Steely Dan, I only kind of liked or didn't like at all. Then after being in the band for a short period of time, and proving that I was a competent musician and reasonable guy, I was allowed to choose songs that I wanted to play...that while not Huey Lewis, were songs that were favorites of mine. Now we're all close friends, add songs constantly (that fit the bands style) and we're gigging regularly.

If I had chosen my "all or nothing" approach (Oh, they weren't my white soul band with the horn section and background singers, so why bother?) where would I be now?

I'm confident one day I will be in that kind of band...but this band is just as fun and satisfying.

To relate this back to dating...you don't go from never even having been on a date or french kissed a girl, to meeting the woman of your dreams. I'm in no way saying you have to settle...but what's so bad about a girl that you find reasonably attractive and you two get along? That's basically all it comes down to...are you the least bit attracted, and do you get along and have fun together? Women aren't looking to be your therapist. They don't want to hear your life story after only knowing you for a few weeks. If anything, 90% of guys on here need any kind of dating practice they can get. Some, in fact, should drop all the standards (due to inexperience or shyness) and take a date with any female that agrees...but I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt and saying find "Mrs.Sufficient."

Life is like a box-uh chocolates...

I'd prefer a peanut butter cup to a mint creme...

but its still chocolate!

see, i don't have too terrible of a list of expectations. if i think they're attractive in my own head (which seems to be different than the rest of the planet) and they have a brain in their head (ie: not a vacuous moron) and we get along well and enjoy each other's company, then that's all i really need. my main rigid requirement is they have to be understanding of mental health issues and aspie life.

my ex-wife, when my mental health problems went into a downward spiral, threw my medication at me and had a temper tantrum that would have impressed a 3 year old. of course, this is why she's an EX.

really, i want someone that i can hold a conversation for more than 3 seconds without wandering away because i'm disappointed, and who's willing to take the time to try and understand i am how i am, and there's no changing or "fixing" it. i'm not a home-improvement project, i'm a person.

I think a lot of guys should work on being friends with girls at first, with no standards, other girls will pick up on this and your stock will rise. Although, I don't have much of a great opinion about dating girls, so what do I know

As a female, I really appreciate all this, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

It's entirely possible that a person, male or female, doesn't actually have unreasonable standards, but they just need a particular type of person for compatibility reasons.

Theoretically, I would be open to dating men with a wide range of "flaws" and "imperfections". They could have limbs missing, be in a wheelchair, have acne scars. They could be 15lbs overweight. I'm not looking for guys on the cover of Men's Health (I might take, but I might not) But the requirements I do have,though few, I have because they need to exist for me to be attracted to the person. If I am not attracted to them from the outset, I will never become attracted to them.

I imagine a lot of men are the same. Though some men do have their standards too high.

I'd call this an issue of healthy balance - there are things you *need* for attraction and a healthy relationship to work and then there are things that would be nice but aren't as critical. As long as people can tell the difference between the two and act accordingly they're probably alright.

Just realise that you may not be an adequate judge of who would be right for yourself. Nobody else will tell you, therefore you should be open to a wide variety of people.

You can't possibly "not settle". One way or another anyone you meet is going to let you down. Sure they might look okay but once you get to know them you find out they are for example verbally abusive, manipulative, deceptive or unfaithful.

If you don't want to settle you are probably not going to ever be in a relationship where you can live with anyone for more than a week because that's how long it will take at most to find a major flaw.

Honestly, after what I've been through with women I deserve perfection but I won't get it.

I say it's ok to have standards (I encourage it), but try to have standards more like "there needs to be physical attraction" and not "she needs to have blue eyes." Not concrete standards.

What I personally do...if someone likes me, I will at least go out with them (if I'm looking for a relationship) if there is some attraction there and we get along/I respect them/etc. Of course I wouldn't do this if I didn't want a relationship or I had some problem with their personality or something. A couple times I've dated someone I wasn't attracted to in the beginning and become attracted later on.

I don't think you're lowering your standards, so much as just opening your mind a little bit? and going with your instinct when you meet someone rather than asking too many questions of them? what you obviously want is a relationship where you get along well with someone, support each other, and find each other attractive... but the person that happens with might be different to how you imagine them. and I don't think that accepting that means you've lowered your standards at all, if you're happy.

Thats unless you rate the opposite sex on a scale of 1-10