To those WITH boyfriends.

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Do you feel you are trying to "please him?" I feel bad sometimes woah is me no boyfriend like my friend etc. (as I've made a previous topic before about) A friend said it's not all it's cracked up to be since you are trying to please him. I was SHOCKED by this! IMO (What I say now anyway) I'm not in it to please you! I'm myself either you want to be my boyfriend or you don't. Sometimes I think SCREW IT! Why bother trying to change for everybody! (teacher/boss/friend/family etc.) and just let me BE ME! If you can't accept me for who I am then I don't want you as a friend/boyfriend(relationship etc.)

Guys are always saying the same thing. It would be nice to find someone who really meant it.
I'm not picking on guys, it's just human nature in general.

That has been my opinion since long before my boyfriend asked me out. He has never asked me to change for him and I have no reason to "please him."



Sometimes they do mean it, you just need to find the ones that do.

It's not really about pleasing him, as in changing yourself...but when you're with someone you care for, you might change your behavior in small ways to accommodate him. Ideally, he would do the same for you. In a perfect world, the idea would be to become better people for each other. Yeah, in a perfect world...

It depends how to please them. If there are thngs that bother the other person, sch as socks being left lying around or not changing the tolet roll.. a person could decide to please their partner by picking up their socks. Or perhaps try and make an effort to be a little more affectionate, or compromise in other areas. It about knowing that you would want your partner to be considerate of you, so you consider them.

But there is a fine line between sane compromises, and selling yourself out.

I don't currently have a boyfriend, but have before. With my first one there were some times when I felt like I needed to please him. Since that relationship I think I can honestly say I've never felt like that (For some reason, in my case, after the first relationship everything was just no big deal anymore...I also learned a lot.) The girls I know that do have boyfriends often feel this way. It's not always wanting to please him in a sense like "I just like him so much that I really want to do something nice for him", it's more often "he'll be upset if I don't do this, and he might leave and I'll be alone." It is usually codependency, or not wanting to deal with the confrontation of saying "no, I'm not doing that." This has just been my experience.

Double post, sorry

depends on the guy. Last guy I was with I wanted to please to an unhealthy point so he wouldn't say mean things about me. Every time he said something mean about the way I am I would try desperately not to do it again.

We do try to do this for each other. He wanted me to dress a little better, I wanted him to stop letting people who don't deserve his kindness take advantage of it...we're both still working on those.

If you're with someone who expects you to change SO much that you don't recognize yourself, then you're not with the right person. And, yes, that goes both ways--if you expect a guy to become someone completely different, you shouldn't be with him either.

I've known people who bent over backwards to please the guy (or girl) they were with and the relationship still didn't work out. Don't ever lose yourself for the sake of another person--it's not worth it. It's far better to wait for the one who loves you for yourself, or to be alone. That may sound a bit harsh, but it's better to be alone by yourself than "alone" in a relationship with the wrong person.

I try to please my "it's complicated status" partner to a certain extent. Meaning I try to see his viewpoint but I don't always agree with him. If I bother him I apologise to him, and he respects my views and treats me very gently. I know some feminists will not like this, but seeing my mum too often bugging my dad without much concern over him (yes I can handle him better than my mum, even though she's NT) I am determined not to be like her.

I think the same should apply in NT relationships.

It depends. If you go out with someone you think is 'above' you (in terms of looks or whatever), you will probably end up trying to please them or worrying about it to some extent.

If you have higher self esteem and believe that you are his equal, then no, you don't really spend time trying to please him.

'Pleasing him' isn't the same as simply being nice and considerate to the person you love. That's easy, and you do it because you love them, not to please them.

I've seen some couples where they both try to change who they are to fit the moulds of the relationship i.e. the girl wears makeup and keeps the weight off, and the payback is that the guy has abs of steel and, uh.. nice hair? Personally, I would classify that as 'trying to please', but some people do these things anyway, so maybe it doesn't feel that way to them (or perhaps the only reason is to get a bf in the first place).

If you feel you are having to please your bf all the time, you're in the wrong relationship.

Actually, this says it way better!

With my JNSQ, our relationship has been complicated. Usually it's been great, other times not so great. But the one thing I can say is that relationships can be a lot of work. --It can be good work though, don't get me wrong. It can be something highly rewarding; but that doesn't necessarily just come.

You're trying to share your life with another person. This person, while probably having a number of things in common with you, has also led a separate life, had different thoughts, and in general is simply a different person than you are. And no matter how often you agree and get along, there will always be times you find the two of you not agreeing. At these times, it's a challenge to figure out how to communicate your POV to the other successfully. It's not always as simple as saying it how you think YOU would understand it were you listening; he's a different person and people can interpret a single sentence multiple ways based on their own history. So you have to try and figure out how to say it in his language-- which can take quite awhile to learn.

But it's worth it. Every second is worth it. If you really end up clicking with him. "Clicking" doesn't mean you two will understand each other perfectly. It means that you want to try, that the other person is worth the effort, and that you keep trying.

JNSQ is the first person I've really ever felt close to. All too many people on here will know what it is to have the life of a loner, never really letting people in. But when you finally do let someone in, when you not only learn to love them (which is the easy part) but to trust them, it can be one of the sincerest, deepest, purest feelings in the world.

There is a part of me that has come alive because I know what it feels like to have another person living inside my small personal universe. Believe me, it's worth it.