does he not like me, or is he just very shy?

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I'll say up front that I am not good at being manipulative, playing games, flirting, or doing all the other things a woman is supposed to know how to do to make a guy like her.

I met a cute computer scientist recently, who seemed very nice. I want to get to know him better, so I've been trying to invite him to different things, and he always responds with a vague answer that's neither a yes nor a no. For example, I invited him over to have a dinner with me and a bunch of students, and he said that he'll try to come, but he's busy, and then he never came. It has happened several times now, and I am not sure if he dislikes me and doesn't want to be too upfront about it, or if he's just the stereotypical computer "nerd" (possibly an aspie) who doesn't see it when a woman likes him (though it's probably my fault since I am not good at these things either). He does seem to be a little nervous in my company.

I don't know if I should stop bugging him, be more explicit, or just invite him to something that he'd be more likely to say yes to.

Aspie guys, what's your take on this?

Not enough information about his phrasing, etc. Could be either way.

He sounds a bit like me. My girlfriend had to basically say up front that she fancied me, more than half a dozen times, before I finally got the hint

Have you tried getting into his life, as it were? If he has a place (other than his home, that is) that he considers to be a safe place, he might be more open to any overtures made. It could be a local group hes involved in, or something possibly faith-based or community-based (like I have my church)...

I agree, and he sounds a little nervous to me, try offering to do something on his turf like seeing a film he enjoys or maybe a fair, and waiting till he knows you better - maybe then he'll feel more comfortable meeting with your student friends and coming out of his "comfort zone" as it were if he has a port in the storm (i,e, you).

of it could be he's just shy of group activities... if that's all you've invited him to.

Notwithstanding that he could have aspie traits and be a bit "socially dense," I will be bold and say that he is probably just not that into you I put that into italics because it is also the title of a pop-fluff book that was pretty good (for pop fluff books). The movie with the same name was gawd-awful - but the book was decent.

Anyways, the reason I say that he is probably not that into you is because you more or less stated that you are not the flirtatious, hint dropping sort yourself. I am going to guess that you made your invitation pretty clear.

If he was interested, he would have either showed up to one or all of the invites that you extended or he would have called you (I am assuming he has a way of contacting you) or he would have extended some sort of invitation himself.

He did none of these things.

He is just not that into you.

I know that there are aspies who are going to say, "Rose, I met my gf or bf and I/he/she was oblivious at first - you don't know for sure!"

They would be right. I don't know for sure. But I would say that the probability is that he is not interested. There are always exceptions. But these are rare and few.

Guys, NTs or Aspies or anything inbetween are really not that complex. Given a clear invitation, they will jump at it if they are interested.

You also mentioned his being "nervous in (your) company." Is this shyness or is it "hmmm, there is that girl who keeps asking me out, I am just not that into her - I hope that she doesn't get to the point where I have to tell her point blank that I am just not that into her - it will make it awkward"

Also, I tend to disagree with ToadofSteel ("regarding getting into his life, as it were, (by putting yourself in) a place ...that he considers to be a safe place...It could be a local group he is involved in, or something possibly faith-based or community-based (like ... church)"

This individual might feel uncomfortable with this. He might even be thinking "stalker" if you show up at these events uninvited if he is [/i]just not that into you[i].

If he is interested, he will respond to your invitations or extend one of his own. Aspie or not.

BTW - his not be interested in you is not a reflection on you. You can be gorgeous, smart, an excellent cook and all wonderful. Unfortunately, despite being a great catch - not EVERYONE is going to be attracted to everyone else. It's okay for someone to not be into you. It will allow you to concentrate on someone else with whom the attraction is mutual

That's definitely a subtle form of rejection. It's impossible to tell what specifically he was rejecting though. Maybe he didn't like one of the other people you invited to that dinner, maybe he doesn't like crowds, maybe he doesn't like eating in public. He might not be rejecting you personally but he was rejecting something.

What did you say when you invited him to things? I'm trying to figure out if he realized you were asking him out. That might help us understand whether he was rejecting getting to know you better, or just the activity.

"I don't know if I should stop bugging him, be more explicit, or just invite him to something that he'd be more likely to say yes to."
One way to find out is to try these different approaches in a sensible order (trying an activity he'd like better first in case it's the activity; then be more explicit; stop bugging him as soon as it's clear that he's just not interested).

Ummmm, sounds like me, do we know each other?

Anyway, "or just invite him to something that he'd be more likely to say yes to" is your answer, especially if it doesn't involve a bunch of total strangers and possibly unknown food (both hell on earth for a lot of aspies). Look for a geeky movie or a computer exhibition and just go for it.

And I'm free every night next week except Thursday (ham radio club).

Vanilla_Slice

dont be so sure, i was kind of like that with a girl that i really liked. for instance i couldnt even look at her for more than a few seconds (typical AS trait but it happaned a lot near her) and i could never strike up a conversation with her that lasted more than 30 seconds for a while.

i know you're just trying to help her, and yes, an honest question deserves an honest answer but that seemed a little too much.

I thought I had explained quite clearly in my original post that there are EXCEPTIONS. These are rare.

Unfortunately, Aspie people getting into trouble at work or school for sexual harassment when they are just innocently asking someone out is NOT RARE.

If the fellow is interested - he can call, he can text, he can e-mail, he can facebook, he can respond to an invitation verbally, he can ask her for coffee, he can invite her to a social group of some sort, he can invite her to play billiards, he can invite her to a computer show, he can share his mothers home made cookies, he can just find someway of communicating interest.

If he does none of these things - there is a pretty good possibility that he is not interested. There is a very, very slim possibility that he is just very shy and has aspie traits that make it difficult for him to communicate his interest.

If this is a workplace or school situation - err on the side of caution and assume that he is not interested.

Sorry if this seems "too much" - but as hard as it is for aspies to navigate the dating scene - it becomes harder when we're unemployed

I think that it it could go either way. One way to find out, would be to ask, if he feels the same way that you do.

i was "dating" a guy who behaved very similarly. i thought he was just 'too shy' or possibly an aspie at first because he was super nerdy and seemed nervous in social situations.
but it turns out he was just using vague answers and vaguely hinting at things to string me along. he had no interest in communicating with me or seeing me unless there was a possibility that we could hook up/make out. i'm not saying this is necessarily true with your guy but i'd be wary. try not inviting him anywhere for a while and see if he invites you.

let me be a little more specific: twice I invited him for "public" dinner with other people type of event. Once I mentioned that it would be nice to have coffee with him some time, to which he responded that he sometimes sits in the afternoon in a certain coffee shop--without explicitly suggesting a specific date/time to meet, or saying something like "it would be nice to see you join me some time". Maybe CandianRose is right, as unpleasant as it is for me to acknowledge this. Though frankly, if a guy whom I don't ever want to see again asked for my contact info, I'd have just provided him with a fake number/email or ignored his emails--are guys just not this creative?

Okay, now you've provided new information. I guess I'd assumed that this man is someone you know in a professional capacity, a co-worker or a fellow faculty member or something like that. Is that the case, or is this someone you met socially?

If he's someone you met socially who provided you with contact information....then maybe it might be a matter of social discomfort (could be he doesn't "get" your intentions, or does understand but is nervous, or does understand but is not interested, etc.. - the variations are endless).

But if he's someone who you work with who provided you with contact information, that's a different story. Look, you work with the guy - if he'd given you the wrong phone number, you would have figured that out pretty quickly, and probably told him (innocently) that he'd given you the wrong number. That would have been incredibly awkward, right? Also, if you have a professional relationship, is it possible he didn't realize you were asking for contact information for non-professional reasons? If he is someone you work with, I suggest you stop extending invitations - its just not worth the risk professionally (if the guy really isn't interested but just doesn't know how to indicate that politely). You don't want this to turn into an HR matter, you know?