The Relationship Paradox

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A brief scan of recent posts, together with my own experience, shows some common elements in many cases. Aspies tend to get shunned and isolated, which inhibits the development of interpersonal skills. Aspie brains aren't designed for interpersonal skills in the first place, and the lack of information and input merely worsens things. This leads to a higher rejection rate later on in life, which cripples emotional development again to a greater extent than aspieness would have done anyway. In turn, this makes the comprehension of 'intimacy' outside of the purely theoretical extremely difficult, which in turn makes the forming of very close relationships and significant otherness almost impossible.

The key word is "almost". There are people who have achieved this, and frankly they deserve a medal of honour for having beaten the odds. (There are probably more people in Britain with MBEs than there are aspies in Britain who have formed a stable relationship. That should tell you something about the level of acievement this is.)

The paradoxical aspect is that the very things that make a person aspie are the very things that make others reject them, body and soul, and that such rejection creates an artificial aspieness more extreme than the genetic one. The two sides not only feed off each other but also amplify each other, making an escape from the cycle a logical impossibility (although fortunately not a physical impossibility).

Other threads are discussing specific cases, specific problems and specific solutions, but how can you implement the solution if you're still in the vicious cycle? People have found ways to break out and THEN solve the problems that the cycle created, which is great, but have mostly only described the second step in that. The first, and therefore critical, step of getting out of the cycle so that solving the lack of relationships becomes possible seems to be getting overlooked.

So, to those who have broken free, never mind for now your secret formula for getting an army of friends and/or companions ten thousand strong, how did you get far enough to do anything in the first place? What's your secret formula for step one?

I was lucky enough to have a very supportive family and friends who cared about me. I suppose that made it easier for me to learn how to interact with others. However, I think it would still be possible for me to break out of that cycle. I approach relationships in a "put others first" sort of way, which stops most of the general aspie mistakes from happening, such as only talking about things that relate to you. Sometimes I have to put my foot down because what others expect of me goes against what I believe in. To break out of the rut, it also takes motivation, which is probably lacking in most aspies. Also, once you're engaged with others, you still have to keep working, as our understanding of others can only ever be theoretical. It always annoys me when NTs say relationships take work, since they have no idea how much work it takes for me to carry out even a simple conversation. I think in the future, when people have a better understanding of asperger's, these problems will be much easier to manage.

Imipak, I agree with your assessment of the situation. I wouldn't say I've "broken free" -- people still think I'm kind of strange -- but I get by pretty well.

The secret formula is body language + small talk + good grooming & nice clothes.

Last edited by juliekitty on 06 Jun 2008, 10:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

The amount of time I sometimes spend composing a simple e-mail...

Great topic

Ah, the Cycle. Difficulties with identifying and parsing social signals makes for fewer successful 'connections'. Fewer connections, means fewer acquaintances and friends... resulting in fewer opportunities to practice identifying and parsing social signals.

Personally, I don't believe Autistics are less capable of intimacy. I think we're just more sensitive to (and prone to misidentify) aggression from others, so we keep ourselves a bit more walled off for our own sanity. I also suspect Autistics place a higher premium on intimacy; whenever I gain the trust of an Autistic person, I value it higher than gold. It seems to me a lot of (but not all) NT's are willing to wear their heart on their sleeve. To me, that's dysfunctional.

The way I broke out of the Cycle was the military. Inescapable, loud, angry dialog within a fraction of an inch of my eyes, and being expected to respond calmly and competently. I wasn't the greatest at it, but it taught me how to control my own thoughts despite being overwhelmed. After that, day-to-day interactions are much easier. I don't suggest the "trial by fire" method to others if it can be avoided. o_O

And then I earned my Psychology degree. I think most Autistics study others in a somewhat scientific manner, trying to figure out the motivations behind their social behavior. I suspect my formal education helped me see the average person, not as a threat, but like a research subject. That feeling of control, being an impartial observer of "interesting" behavior, really helps me keep my calm. Of course, once I form a connection, I no longer think of them as research material.

But most of all, I'd say my friends helped - and continue to help. Some NT's actually like the same things we do, and have some understanding, or at least openness to our unique neurology! I'm lucky to have some friends who, although they are NT, are sympathetic and considerate to my needs. In a way, they act like translators between me and the NT world. When there's a topic I should avoid, or a good time to leave a gathering, or I need someone to cover for me so I can take a break from a crowd... they cover for me. I really appreciate them and the role they play in my life, and I try to give back whenever I can.

Yeah, I'd suppose it's those friends that really help me reach out and be social. I never go to a crowded or strange social gathering unless I have an NT sidekick

That's different. It's well known that computers are not machines but living creatures - chronovores, to be precise. Carnivores eat meat, herbivores eat plants, chronovores eat time. Haven't you noticed that whenever you sit near a computer, you have far less time than you had expected? That's because the computer has been nibbling away at it all the while.

I'd go so far as to say that I'm not really sure there is a way out of the cycle - at least not for me - even though I'm functional in society I do spend copious amounts of effort maintaining the appearance of confidence and stability.

I completely agree with juliekitty and I hope she doesn't mind if I elaborate on her formula.

Body language is extremely important. I took a test that asked what emotion a person was feeling just by looking at their eyes. I failed 100%. I can't read eyes at all and would not be surprised if many of us are alike: trying our best to look people in the eyes, completely unable to grasp the intent of what they're saying. Shift focus so you can see them from the nose down without appearing to be looking away from their eyes. Physical cues speak louder than words. Learn to read them and "speak" them, but don't try to force anything. People read that as you telling them that you think it's a chore to speak to them (even though it might be the case).

Small talk - key word: small. Not everyone has to know everything about you the moment they meet you. News, current events, yes, even the weather, can be great topics of small talk, but be sure to keep them superficial. It is far easier to "share" someone's point of view if you don't allow the conversation to steer toward topics where marked divisions of opinion start to occur. Listen to yourself. If you are making a concerted effort to steer every conversation toward your special interest, back away. If you have to, joke about it and say something like, "I do tend to talk about (special interest) a lot. Feel free to slap me upside the head if I do it too much." Humor is a great way to keep people at a safe distance while making them think that you're letting them get close to you.

Appearance - every move you make, and every word that comes out of your mouth is weighed against the image you portray. Whether we like it or not, perception is reality. Before anyone argues that Einstein looked like a complete maniac, check out photos of him when he was younger, before his name preceded him. He was rather subdued.

Remember: everything is good in moderation, even excess.

Body language: Well, my body language is all greek to me and double dutch to everyone else. You think I should improve on this, then?

Small talk: Yay! Something I can do, albeit not great. Oh, NOT the computer language "Smalltalk"! You mean human small talk! I guess I can still do that.

Good grooming: I guess I can pull that one off, sometimes.

Nice clothes: Well, ideally, this is something someone else should pull off.

Well, one out of four ain't bad for starters.

If other people want me to have fancy clothes, they can darned well go out and buy them for me. I like the things I have and my real friends do too.

i have maybe an unusual take on all of this, the learning appropriate social behavior and all that. i've managed to fake it pretty well, and where has it got me? exhausted to the point of breakdown, depressed, out of touch with who i really am, alone, just as isolated as ever, unable to continue the facade, and furthermore, bitter.

i say screw all of it and seek out the other social outcasts and spectrumites and be yourself.

Brains has the right idea.
there are kindred spirits, they are on the fringes of society not bothering about how they're "supposed" to act. find them.

i was thinking earlier that being an aspie is like being a superhero. you pay for your strengths by having some drawbacks (like being unable to read people). you can hide in your alter ego and keep yourself a secret, a square peg in a round hole stifled and squished. or you can roll with it.