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Trying to get close but I think I am getting creepy

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decoder
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03 Jun 2010, 5:49 pm

I feel a little blue right now so I have to share this. (There is an exam tomorrow how am I gonna study :( )

There is a girl at the fitness that Im having a chat with for 2-3 weeks. And I like her. The problem is besides my awkwardness (weird comments, weird jokes), I think I might have scared her today. Im not pervert or smth but I plan my actions to be able to interact with her as much as I can. So I think today I annoyed or maybe scared her. I left the fitness center with her etc. I regret it.

I think I ve become too obsessed with this girl. Im afraid she is annoyed with me or maybe scared :(

Have any of you aspie boys experienced this obsession and resulting awkwardness?



billsmithglendale
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03 Jun 2010, 6:06 pm

decoder wrote:
I feel a little blue right now so I have to share this. (There is an exam tomorrow how am I gonna study :( )

There is a girl at the fitness that Im having a chat with for 2-3 weeks. And I like her. The problem is besides my awkwardness (weird comments, weird jokes), I think I might have scared her today. Im not pervert or smth but I plan my actions to be able to interact with her as much as I can. So I think today I annoyed or maybe scared her. I left the fitness center with her etc. I regret it.

I think I ve become too obsessed with this girl. Im afraid she is annoyed with me or maybe scared :(

Have any of you aspie boys experienced this obsession and resulting awkwardness?


Yes -- if you feel that way, you are probably either overthinking things with her, or trying too hard -- either way, semi-stalker behavior, or obsessive behavior.

I said this in other threads -- at the end of the day, you shouldn't have to try that hard. Someone who is interested will try to meet you halfway -- someone who isn't won't. If you feel like you are trying too hard, you are probably right.

I would just relax for a while and not push things. Don't be cold or standoffish, but don't push things. Give her a chance to make a move or invite you into her life, now that she knows you, but don't hold your breath. Have other things going on (with other people), so that you don't think about her too much or put all of your eggs in one basket, which could crush you should this not work out.

I'm saying this as someone who has often been in the same situation. It's hard to see someone you like and find out they probably don't feel the same way :( Strange how some people can mean so much to us, yet us so little to them, but that's life, and we all have played both roles.



YankeesGamer24
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03 Jun 2010, 8:08 pm

I'm having the same exact problem right now. We are friends and all, and I'm trying to get closer to her, but it just doesn't work out. She told me herself that she isn't in a rush to get a boyfriend in an unrelated conversation. I keep trying to get closer to her, but she just treats me like a friend. Not a particularly close friend, but a friend. She doesn't know that I like her, and she has high-functioning autism to make things more confusing. I just wish I could just tell her and get this over with but we do so many things together and I'm afraid that will ruin everything. I want to try to get over her and get to know some other girls, but she is the only girl I want to be with. I'm posting this as a response to you and on it's own. Hang in there, your not the only one dealing with this.



billsmithglendale
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04 Jun 2010, 10:10 am

YankeesGamer24 wrote:
I'm having the same exact problem right now. We are friends and all, and I'm trying to get closer to her, but it just doesn't work out. She told me herself that she isn't in a rush to get a boyfriend in an unrelated conversation. I keep trying to get closer to her, but she just treats me like a friend. Not a particularly close friend, but a friend. She doesn't know that I like her, and she has high-functioning autism to make things more confusing. I just wish I could just tell her and get this over with but we do so many things together and I'm afraid that will ruin everything. I want to try to get over her and get to know some other girls, but she is the only girl I want to be with. I'm posting this as a response to you and on it's own. Hang in there, your not the only one dealing with this.


Don't bother -- she's already signaled to you that she's not interested -- heck, she even told you.

We live in this culture where we've been peddled the lie that persistence can win over anyone. While that's a great concept (persistence) for things like school, business, and other aspects of life, when it comes to winning someone over, it's just not true. Instead, persistence with someone who doesn't want you that way leads to things like stalking, restraining orders, and hurt feelings. The lie persists because it makes for great feel-good TV and movies, and is a nice fantasy. Guess what, if someone isn't into you, no amount of pressure or learning about them, getting to know them, etc. will ever win them over.

Find someone else (or multiple someone elses) to pursue, instead of trying to get water from a rock.



decoder
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04 Jun 2010, 1:08 pm

Thank you guys for great advices. I will keep neutral for a while and check if she is really interested. If she is not, then she is not.



Vanilla_Slice
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04 Jun 2010, 1:12 pm

A familiar situation. There's a fine line between dedication to a task and weirdness, and I have no idea where it is. :?

Vanilla_Slice



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04 Jun 2010, 2:09 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
We live in this culture where we've been peddled the lie that persistence can win over anyone. While that's a great concept (persistence) for things like school, business, and other aspects of life, when it comes to winning someone over, it's just not true. Instead, persistence with someone who doesn't want you that way leads to things like stalking, restraining orders, and hurt feelings. The lie persists because it makes for great feel-good TV and movies, and is a nice fantasy. Guess what, if someone isn't into you, no amount of pressure or learning about them, getting to know them, etc. will ever win them over.

Find someone else (or multiple someone elses) to pursue, instead of trying to get water from a rock.


Then what happens if there's nobody that would be interested in you? What do you do then?



billsmithglendale
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04 Jun 2010, 2:13 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
We live in this culture where we've been peddled the lie that persistence can win over anyone. While that's a great concept (persistence) for things like school, business, and other aspects of life, when it comes to winning someone over, it's just not true. Instead, persistence with someone who doesn't want you that way leads to things like stalking, restraining orders, and hurt feelings. The lie persists because it makes for great feel-good TV and movies, and is a nice fantasy. Guess what, if someone isn't into you, no amount of pressure or learning about them, getting to know them, etc. will ever win them over.

Find someone else (or multiple someone elses) to pursue, instead of trying to get water from a rock.


Then what happens if there's nobody that would be interested in you? What do you do then?


Under that hypothetical, it would still be wrong to stalk someone or persist when your advances aren't wanted. I swear though that someone out there does want the attention -- the question is, do you want them?



Electricbassguy
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04 Jun 2010, 2:45 pm

I think it's more social conditioning than any actual "creepiness."

I know for me I was hypervigilant to the point where it ruined chances of dating a lot of girls.



Mosaicofminds
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04 Jun 2010, 5:35 pm

Decoder, as difficult as it makes things, following a girl around, especially when she's coming and going, is a MAJOR no-no. Even if she's already talking to you, it seems stalker-ish and makes her less likely to trust you and want to get to know you better. I would probably also be creeped out by a guy following me.

I know it's hard, but I'd recommend backing off for a while and not approaching her at all, so she can see you're not creepy. If you have friends who are interested in the same gym who look wholesome, maybe go with them one day. If she sees you and your friends having a nice, non-creepy conversation (especially if some of those friends are female), your social value may go up in her eyes, and your apparent creepiness will go down. If she then approaches you (she probably won't immediately), then you can talk to her. You'll still need to be careful about following her or "accidentally" winding up in the same place you know she'll be--that'll undo all the progress you've made. If she doesn't approach you, she might still think you're creepy, and if you approach her, you don't have a chance. Then I'm afraid you'll just need to give up.

As discussed in an earlier thread, "creepy" is shorthand for "potential sexual harrasser, therefore probably dangerous." If you come off this way, however unintentionally, women can and will write you off to protect their safety. Furthermore, as much as it sucks, they have the right to do this. Because women are on average more vulnerable to sexual harrassment (individually, YMMV), it's ultimately up to them to decide whether you can approach them or not. Good luck.



decoder
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06 Jun 2010, 2:48 am

Mosaicofminds wrote:
Decoder, as difficult as it makes things, following a girl around, especially when she's coming and going, is a MAJOR no-no. Even if she's already talking to you, it seems stalker-ish and makes her less likely to trust you and want to get to know you better. I would probably also be creeped out by a guy following me.

I know it's hard, but I'd recommend backing off for a while and not approaching her at all, so she can see you're not creepy. If you have friends who are interested in the same gym who look wholesome, maybe go with them one day. If she sees you and your friends having a nice, non-creepy conversation (especially if some of those friends are female), your social value may go up in her eyes, and your apparent creepiness will go down. If she then approaches you (she probably won't immediately), then you can talk to her. You'll still need to be careful about following her or "accidentally" winding up in the same place you know she'll be--that'll undo all the progress you've made. If she doesn't approach you, she might still think you're creepy, and if you approach her, you don't have a chance. Then I'm afraid you'll just need to give up.

As discussed in an earlier thread, "creepy" is shorthand for "potential sexual harrasser, therefore probably dangerous." If you come off this way, however unintentionally, women can and will write you off to protect their safety. Furthermore, as much as it sucks, they have the right to do this. Because women are on average more vulnerable to sexual harrassment (individually, YMMV), it's ultimately up to them to decide whether you can approach them or not. Good luck.



Thank you mosaic, its great to see the other's perspective.



hale_bopp
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06 Jun 2010, 3:33 am

What is creepy about this?

Leaving a place with someone isn't creepy... following behind them is.. not enough info