Met not one but two old crushes at an event... :(

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I ran a 10K today, and after the race encountered a couple of girls I knew...one was a near miss, and the other was a never was, and man does it have me down. The latter was an old classmate, who I'd had a crush on. I reestablished contact with her when I got done with school, but she wanted to be friends, and had just started seeing someone. I met the someone after the race with her, and it has me really hating myself. He's a tall, handsome, muscular guy, and the kind of guy that girls go after. The kind of guy that she deserves. Better than me. I did well in the race, got 2nd place out of several thousand, but I do it with a scrawney, ugly little body suited it seems for running and not much else of any worth. Seeing the two of them, I was left wondering, how can I possibly compete when there are so many guys out there who are just plain better than me?

If that wasn't bad enough, then I walk past a girl I went on a date with once, who I thought I really hit it off with, but one who quit communicating with me as soon as I resumed school, who said it wasn't meant to be. God, and she was so beautiful and perfect1 I thought I was so lucky, and then reality hit. I was tempted to say hi, but I just walked past. I don't think she even saw me. I was afraid she'd think I was stalking her.

I wish I could erase all these bad memories from my head. As is, they torture me. I'm tortured by two competing thoughts: one, that I drove her away, was all wrong for her, which makes me hate myself more for not being the kind of person she could like, even love. And yet, I find myself preferring this interpretation to the alternative...which is that I just plain didn't matter. And all she needed was one date to discover that. It kills me more to think I just was a blip on her radar. Better to think you have a negative impact on a person, than none at all. Because at least, in one scenario, it means you matter, that you exist.

Is it an Aspie thing, you think? I mean, I have so few friends, and only had a couple of dates, none which yielded anything. And because I've had so few experiences, I really tend to treasure them. Maybe that's not the right word. Hold on to them, perhaps? Is it possible, with NTs, that because it's all so easy for them, that it is easy to dismiss a human connection, because they are easily replaced?

I wish I didn't care so much. I try not to, try to embrace the fact that I'm probably undateable, unloveable, meant to be alone. Yet it is a losing battle, and I try again, get hurt again, get increasingly desperate. When I got home today, after the race, I said outloud that I would sell my soul for a girl who would love me and I love her.

And I meant it.

You're not unloveable.

If there are aspie support groups in your area, that might be a really good place to start. You will, eventually, find someone.

What's really important is to have gotten some kind of counseling or read books so that you know the affect AS has on an NT.

Odds are that the girl who was a near miss wasn't getting the emotional connection she needed, and you weren't aware of it.

That's why you need counseling--that near miss may have been because you didn't know any better.

You came in second place out of several thousand and you are feeling inferior? You need to start playing up your running abilities because there are women out there that will be impressed by that. Start lifting weights to bulk up. Start training for even longer races. You have the raw material to attract women but it needs to be developed.

Remember them as they were and then write them off.

Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961)