What the hell is wrong with me - Complete loss of confidence

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Usually I don't have a problem with asking out women I like, I'm fairly self confident, and am willing to put my emotions on the line if I feel like I have a chance of reaping the rewards and a potential relationship.

There is a girl at university who I am absolutely mad about and have been ever since I first saw her before I even met her properly (shes on the same course as me) At first I put it down to it being a freshers week crush, plus I had spent the summer heartbroken of an ex who refused the idea of a 2nd try so I wasn't sure if I was still on the rebound or not so didn't do anything about it.

The next few months passed and despite being friends but not best buddies we fell into our seperate cliques. Despite this I've always remained in contact and we still speak to each other frequently. At the time I thought she was going to get with a male friend of her's (which in the end never materialised) so I decided to look elsewhere, got into another relationship which proved to be a complete waste of time. Gave myself plenty of time to get over that and clear my head. It's now come to the end of the first year at University and I'm still crazy about the university girl, it's definitely more then just liking her. My heart melts everytime I see her and suddenly my dark world becomes a much brighter place. The few friends I have told about her don't see what the massive appeal is but I think she is almost perfect. With uni not re-commencing until september she is off home for the summer (though she is still working near to where our uni is, I also have a long lost uncle who lives in the same area she does, that I will be visiting at some point during the summer) and I'm off to a festival on tuesday, so if I say nothing I probably won't see her for 3 months, during this time she could easily meet someone else. Therefore I'm now tearing myself apart wondering whether or not to roll the dice and finally ask her out.

Any other occasion I would have dealt with this far sooner, but I've never been so terrified of being rejected in my life, plus I know how heartbroken I will be if I wasn't to get the answer that I would want. But I know that nothing ventured is nothing gained and if somehow me and her was to get together it would probably make me the happiest I'll ever be.

Therefore how do I go about this, should I just tell her flat out how I feel, or try build a stronger friendship then it already as it is now (not my preferred method) or just casually ask her out and just see what she says.

Please help if you can offer any sensible advice (do not turn this into an AS/NT debate, if tempted do not reply at all) it would be be mucho appreciated, it's driving me insane.

Last edited by Daemonic-Jackal on 05 Jun 2010, 4:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

based on my own experience, the only advice I can give you is to try to get with other girls (who aren't a waste of time). That's the only way you can really move on. And I think that moving on is really your only option. I hope this helps although I've been where you are right now and know that it's difficult to move on when you still have such strong feelings for someone.

I think you've misread my post. It's my ex who I was seeing over christmas who was the complete waste of time (and who I am 100% over) not the univeristy girl who I am absolutely mad about now.

I read your post right. It just sounds like the timing spoiled things with the university girl you're mad about. Maybe I'm wrong about that. If you haven't asked this university girl out on a date, however, go for it. But if she isn't interested, the only way to get over her is to get with girls who are not a waste of time (your ex obviously was).

There is a thread on here about aspies and obsessions.

It's been my experience that aspies torture themselves (and the women they are dating) with romantic obsessions that go nowhere.

See the poster above.

It's not just timing--if she's not that into you, any relationship you might get out of it is potentially destructive to you.

Right ok then, my mistake then in that case, it's the way you worded it that made your reply confusing. I so so wanna go for it, I just don't wanna be rejected and make a complete mess of it.

Dude, I can totally relate. But you'll hate yourself more if you don't go for it. And you can even do it over IM or facebook. Facebook messages are good if you don't have the confidence to ask her out in real life or over the phone.

I bolded the option I think you should go with.

This is neither a lost cause nor a sure thing. It is a gamble. So do a cost/benefit analysis to see if asking her out is worth the risk.

What you stand to lose: the illusion that you could have a future together if she says no

What you stand to gain: a future together


I personally think it's woth the gamble of asking her out, casually, not in an "I've always loved you" way.

Last edited by Janissy on 05 Jun 2010, 4:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

OP, ask her out. Don't lay your heart on the table, don't confess your profound feelings for her. Just ask her for a date.

The bottom line is that if you ask her, at least you'll have your answer. If you don't ask her out, you'll be building a terrible little scenario for yourself - one in which you'll always wonder if she was "the one"; she'll be the girl you'll always compare other girls to (and they'll never measure up); she'll be the one you pine for as you reject other girls, and watch her date other guys. Why torture yourself? Just ask her.

listen to the two women who posted above me ^ ^ ^ ^

Poppy-X you clearly did not check the last part of my original post, go back and read.

I'd much rather ask her in person but whenever I have seen her she has always had her mates with her, hence the right oppertunity which has never come about. Online messaging looks like the only way I am gonna get around this.

Janissy and Hopegrows, thanks for the advice.

Or take her hand, ask her friends "can I borrow your friend for a minute?" and go ask her privately.

As a woman, I agree.

Ask her out, casually.

"Hey want to get coffee or go for ice cream?"

"There's this awesome movie opening up, want to go check it out with me?"

Sorry for the AS/NT debate.

My intent was to point out that because you're an aspie you're making this a bigger deal than it is.

Ask her out.

If it doesn't work, just know that you're probably (because of the AS) making a bigger deal of it than it is.

Also, no instant message. Do it in person or over the phone-what if she logs off when you're trying to ask her out? She might not get the message and you'll never know

No I'm making a big deal out of it, because I haven't felt this strongly about someone in a very long time and never been in a scenario where i've been starstruck by a female before even meeting them and still feeling the same way about them 9 months later.

This has nothing to do with AS whatsoever. So if you don't mind please get out.

You'll have better luck of coming across as sane and healthy and someone who she would be interested in spending time with if you don't put her on a pedestal.

Some women wnat guys who put them on a pedestal, but then those women come with a lot of emotional baggage.

I'd suggest you rein in your expectations a bit - she's probably not god's gift to your life, no matter how you feel - in order to maximize the potential that any encounter or interaction will go well.

No one wants to be someone else's savior. And women can sense these kinds of things pretty well.