Is it Asperger's or something else?

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I used to think my boyfriend had Asperger's Syndrome, because he has strange body behavior, has an extensive vocabulary, is intellectually smart, talks like a little professor, is an engineer, has trouble reading others, doesn't like change, has been living the same way and doing the same things for many years, is clumsy, and has intense and narrow interests. However, I'm beginning to wonder. Could it be something else? I'm beginning to think he sees the world through the eyes of a 13-year old. He's clumsy, is always trying to be silly, is always reading silly books and watching silly shows, loves to cuddle, and is terrified of having kids or getting married (although he can take care of himself and his pets). Perhaps, his strange body behavior and way of talking is really childish behavior and childish talking. Are these characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome, or am I dating a 13-year old? I can handle dating someone who has Asperger's Syndrome, but not someone who is mentally only 13.

"Engineer....." hmmm. That's just about all I would need to know to make my mind up!

Ok I'm not a qualified professional but this is my analysis of what you've given us...

aspie traits
strange body behavior, has an extensive vocabulary, talks like a little professor, is an engineer, has trouble reading others, doesn't like change, has been living the same way and doing the same things for many years, is clumsy, and has intense and narrow interests.

Normal young bloke behaviour (ie not yet 30 years old?) and some boys never "grow up" in the way you seem to want:
always trying to be silly, and is terrified of having kids or getting married

The main totally normal thing...
is terrified of having kids or getting married

Some "boys" take a very long time to grow out of this.

I don't know where "loves to cuddle" fits and "intelligent" or not intelligent aren't directly aspie traits as best I can tell so far. There is some debate but maybe aspies are autistic but intelligent enough to learn compensating behaviours - or maybe the relative intelligence is not related to the diagnosis scales. So far I have found the aspie measuring things do not include "must have IQ over nnn". Some autistics/aspies do not love to cuddle at all but one trait different doesn't make or break the suspected diagnosis.

But if he is aspie you can probably talk to him very directly about this. Does he ever want to get married - why? Does he ever what to have kids? Why? Does he think he will always feel this way? Kids are pretty terrifying but even his parents managed. And don't forget to ask him the probability of each or any one of his fears actually happening. Ie how rational is it really to feel that way if the chance of the outcome actually happening is lower than other risks he takes every day. Hmm that could backfire so I trust you know him well enough to decide what to ask and what not to.

It is pretty reasonable to fear marriage based on the probability of it busting up but there might be some research you could do on why marriages bust up and what you could do to reduce the chances. Like could you agree on having children, how to raise children, spend money and resolve disputes? It's amazing how many people get married without finding out the basics about each other and what marriage means to each other.

End totally unqualified opinion.

Mentally I'm no older than 12.

I'd advise you to break up with the guy if you can't put up with it.. because it will happen eventually, as you seem to really detest the bahaviour.

Sorry for the confusion. My concern is not with his fear of getting married or of having kids. I was just providing an example of how he hasn't totally matured yet. I'm also okay with his silliness if he's being silly on purpose and knows he's still an adult underneath. He can act like an adult at times but so can a 13-year old. At other times, his gestures and voice are very childlike. He is especially silly when he's extremely happy, and especially childish when he's hesitant about doing something he fears doing.

Is taking a long time to mature a characteristic of Asperger's? Does his silliness stem from his intense facination with silliness? Or does his silly and childish behavior have nothing to do with Asperger's?

If he is unable to express adult behavior, it may well be because he is unable to make the logical body language steps to get there.

You cannot jump from 13 to 30. You must pass through the stages between, although you can pass some of them and not others.

He writes like an adult and often says he feels dizzy, wobbly, or clumsy. So perhaps he just has trouble controlling his body behavior and is clueless about how his mannerisms look to others. I can live with that.

A few months ago my relationship of 6 1/2 years with a pseudo 13 year old came to an end. I feel for you. In my case, mine just couldn't put myself and our child ahead of anyone else, i.e. his mother, his boss, some random friend. I would have entertained the idea that he had Aspergers, as he was into obscure soccer teams, seemed to have problems showing affection etc, said the wrong things at the wrong times, had conversations with himself whether I was listening or not (usually not as I'm not into sport) but there were other things that didn't fit, e.g. he seemed to lie very easily.
I guess you need to decide whether you can live with him regardless of whether he has Aspergers or not, as it's really irrelevant in the end if you're incompatible.

I don't know.

I guess you should observe the intricacies of people before you conclude that.

Delayed social and emotional maturity is quite common in people with Asperger's syndrome. It's called a pervasive developmental disorder for a reason!

Does it really matter if he's AS? His personality will stay constant if you find out he's AS or otherwise.

Actually, I need to say this: I am not going to push anything on you, but it just seems to me that you're trying to get some cuddle time and he doesn't give it. Aspies have a REALLY hard time maturing, at least for a few years. If he's 13 going on 30, I'd venture to guess that he's definitely an Aspie in the highest order.

My father is an engineer also (his specialization is pharmaceutical engineering...just the kind of thing an Aspie would want to do for a living!), and he is certifiably insane, to be honest. I might have to direct him here. I have a feeling he's an Aspie too. He always says he's not, but I think otherwise.

How did I get AS, really? Is it truly genetic, as people are trying to dispute? Or is it the large concentrations of thymerisol, a known neurotoxin? Obviously, questions such as these will persist in Aspies for a long time. I am only one man, on the 4th floor of the Acme Building, just trying to find answers to life's persistent questions about AS. I'm Guy Aspie, Private Eye.

Sorry, couldn't resist cracking a Guy Noir joke. I make the worst puns around.

But to answer your question, get him into the nearest Autism Society branch and get him tested for AS.

BJ

It doesn't matter to me whether or not he has AS. What matters is if he has borderline personality disorder. So I'm relieved to hear that delayed social and emotional maturity is quite common in people with Asperger's syndrome.

I like the fact my boyfriend can be silly. He's funny. It just scares me when he gets a little too silly and looks at me the way a child would.

It's he who loves to cuddle, although I have no objections. It's the one non-AS trait he has.

I think he might know he has AS and is reluctant to tell me, and I don't know how to approach the subject with him.

Something I just read, probably in the Attwood book,

mentioned giggling inappropriately under stress, something like
"why won't you play with little johnny"
"because he giggles at wasps"
uh hum.

It also mentioned - when under stress the voice going funny - high pitched and child like. I remember being pulled over by the Random breath test police - being asked to park across someone's driveway by the police - double wrong - so I parked next to the driveway but further from the testing station - I was stressed because I didn't want to do the wrong thing by parking across a drive way and I didn't want to disobey a policeman (they can be unpredictable).

So by time he gets to me I'm really stressed. He puts a small machine in front of my face and says count until I say to stop - go. He didn't say anything about taking a deep breath first - so my counting was like I'd breathed helium - so then he wants to know where my p-plates were - he'd just got my age wrong by about 15 years! At this point all my stress went because I had the upper hand. I hadn't done anything wrong and he'd done lots wrong....

Sorry for all the detail - but I do think the funny voice, especially under stress - good or bad - very excited or very scared - is part of aspieness.

Bi-polarness which used to be known as manic-depression - is much scarier in my book than aspieness. As best I can tell it is the lowest lows followed by the wildest highs, including major irresponsible reckless behaviour, with a nasty dose of temper tantrum in transition. And this will cycle over time and just because of the time - with no consistent trigger for the outbursts. An aspie person will always do their nut given the same trigger. Unless they are carefully taught a way to find the trigger acceptable and/or a reasonable way to behave instead - an alternate strategy. I could guarantee a temper tantrum from my brother if I touched the gap between his shirt and his pants if he bent over.