Taking love for granted

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One thing I noticed about myself is that when I am in a relationship, and the girl totally loves me, I no longer care about it. In fact, I start worryng about the time she takes away off my studies. On the other hand, if that same girl loses interest in me, I start to obsess over her, and can spend a lot more time away from studies just chasing after her. Then if I succeed getting her back, I again start worrying about the time she wastes off my studies and prefer to study again. It is also very irrational.

That contrast is HUGE and consistent. If I am single for a long time, I would obsess about finding the girl the entire time I am single (months, years, as long as it is). Then if I start a relationship, and it goes relatively smoothly, then my obsession goes away within a month or so and I neglect the person I am with.

I was wondering, is it an aspie trait in general or not? Because for me that is one of the MAIN things that ruin my relationships. So since I have Asperger, may be it is connected?

On the other hand, it is also possible that NT-s do that more often than aspies; after all Aspies are very logical and this behavior is not.

On the other hand, I am also wondering if it is a male thing. Because I heard that men want conquest and women want stability. So if I only obsess about whawt I don't have and once I have it I just want it to lie there, while I go study, that is "conquest". So may be it is a male thing?

On the other hand, it can be a female thing too: I heard that girls don't like the guys that love them too much and are attracted to a challenge.

Now I know that NT-s of both genders do that too. So I am talking about statistical correlation. Is it statistically more prevelent among aspies? And is it statistically more prevelent among one of the genders?

Now, it is possible that there are both female-specific factors AND male-specific ones that cause this behavior. But still, since one of the two genders does it more often than the other one, we can't have "male and female". It has to be either "male only" or "female only" or "neither".

Likewise, it is also possible that there are aspie-specific reasons and NT-specific ones. But since statistically only one of the groups does it more often than the other one, you can't say "aspies and NT-s". It has to be either "aspies only" or "NT-s only" or "neither".

Anyway, with all that being said, please answer the poll

I don't think there's any correlation along gender or spectrum lines... it's really on a case by case basis.

I do know that in my experience I was pretty much all out from day one in my relationship, and never took it for granted at all. The times I was with her were the happiest moments in my life, and the times I wasn't with her I was constantly thinking about the times that I was. This didn't change at all during (or after) the relationship, and I never took it for granted. On the other hand, I think I got into obsession mode...

Ironically, the semester I was in that relationship, I posted the highest grades I had ever gotten in college, despite there being more projects that time around... it wasn't anything about having time to work on the projects or not, but more to do with the fact that, in that relationship, for the first time in my otherwise bleak existence, life was worth living.

I think there's any correlation, though my ex-girlfriend was like that and she was Aspie, I'm actually the opposite really - when I'm in a relationship it's like it is my main obsession.

Last edited by Asp-Z on 16 Jun 2010, 10:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hm it sort of becomes a fixation. I did actually get the best grades I've ever received this year It could have just been having a real friend, though. (My boyfriend is also my best friend )
I don't think one person can distract from your studies anyway. Even supposing that you spent all day from 8 in the morning to maybe 6 in the afternoon (that's way too much time to spend with someone anyway, unless you're actually doing something like skiing or..fishing..I don't know) you could just study at night for six or seven hours.

Rudy Simone, who wrote, "22 Things a Woman Should Know if She Loves a Man Who has Asperger Syndrome" says that is an AS trait. She is an aspergirl, who studied AS relationships for ten years.

Obviously, it depends on the aspie, so no offense meant to anyone here. I've personally dated one aspie who was like that, and one who was definitely not.

It's her #4, "He will take the relationship for granted."

If I dated a handful of AS women and wrote a book called "The 30 Irritating Qualities of Women with Asperger Syndrome", would you think I was doing the world a service?

OP, I don't believe what you've described is related to your Aspieness. I've known people who exhibit the same behavior you describe and are not Aspie. I believe your issues are much more about self-esteem, and perhaps an inability to live in the moment (always worrying about the "getting" and not able to enjoy the "having").

So I'd encourage you to take a look at your own self-image to try to determine why you devalue any woman who finds you remarkable, and why you value the women who don't.

Also, I wouldn't describe your behavior as "taking love for granted" at all. When you take a relationship for granted, you assume that it will always be there, available when you want/need it, and requires no effort to maintain. That's not what you've described. In your situation, you don't want what you have, and instead only want what you don't have (until you actually get it - then it becomes undesirable).

I think poppyx is little more than a troll who is here because she believes that she was used by some AS guys & she's upset over it. She does NOT have AS & she has a very negative attitude about Aspie men

Actually "22 Things" is very kind and constructive.

It has helped me forgive my particular aspie..who is still calling me, and I never thought he used me...I just thought we had serious issues..before I started reading about AS relationships, I hated him a lot more......although I am wondering if Hopegrows is right--maybe taking relationships for granted is a function of low self-esteem? (Which can also go along with AS?)

That sounds fixable in ways AS is not.

HopeGrows, how would you know if leaving relationships is because of low self-esteem. Can you elaborate?

Well, its not my intent to name-call, It just seems that in the past six months or so, I can't log onto WP without seeing at least one post by a newbie woman claiming to be NT (as if there were such a thing), and going on for pages about how insufferable her husband is, how irritating his behaviors are and reaching the seemingly inevitable conclusion that he must be an Aspie, because of course anyone she can't get along with has simply got to have a mental illness. Its insulting, its degrading to men with AS and I would think this is the one place we should be able to come without being told we're unacceptable freaks that have to be changed, cured, or medicated out of existence.

If I so much as make a sarcastic joke about living with a female, it gets immediately deleted, but I have to read these left-handed insults nearly every day and no one ever says "Hey, Lady - AS doesn't stand for @ssh*le Syndrome - just because you're unhappy doesn't mean your partner has to be diagnosed with a disorder - maybe you're part of the problem, too."

I for one am sick of Aspie men being bashed constantly. Its bad enough every time some nut comes unhinged in public anymore, the media starts babbling about Asperger Syndrome, like they have any idea what it means. Its even worse when a female with the same disorder starts making out like she's just fine, its only MEN with AS who are difficult in relationships, and now her book is being quoted as though she were Hans Asperger himself.

And it certainly is not going to help public awareness and acceptance of those with High Functioning Autism when people diagnosed with the disorder start writing books that reduce us to negative stereotypes.

I agree.

@poppyx, in this particular case, the OP noticed a clear pattern in his relationships, and realizes that its his behavior at the root of the pattern. It doesn't matter who the girl involved is: whenever he realizes a woman he's involved with really values him (in his words, she "totally loves" him), he immediately loses interest in the relationship, and even resents the time it takes away from other activities. When the same girl then loses interest in him, he makes every effort to win her back. When he wins her back, he immediately loses interest again.

@Hale_Bopp posted a thread about jealousy recently in which she described a somewhat similar process: when someone she likes isn't really into her, she becomes jealous of that person's interactions with other people. When someone she likes really is into her, she's much less likely to be jealous of that person's interactions with other people. (Apologies @Hale if I've over-simplified your post.)

Both of these posts address a similar theme: our emotional response to people who value us. If we feel pretty good about ourselves generally, we understand and accept the idea that other people will value us. It makes sense that others value us, because we believe innately that we're valuable. Taken a step further, if we value ourselves, we also have no problem believing we're worthy of being truly loved.

On the flip side, if we have a negative self-image, we don't understand how another person could believe we have value. We might actually think that there is something wrong with someone who does express an interest, likes us, compliments us. We might even believe its a trick or a game. Again, if we believe there's something "wrong" or "defective" about us, we'll probably have a problem accepting real love from another.

What can be really frustrating is that we don't necessarily make these type of assessments consciously. We don't say, "Well, I have low self-esteem, of course I can't accept that she really does like me." We're more likely to think thoughts like, "Yeah, she thinks she's in love with me, but she doesn't know the real me." or "What kind of girl would want someone like you?" (evil thought courtesy of dysfunctional parenting/family life) or "People like you don't get married." or "You've never been able to interest a girl." or "Women generally don't want men like you." or "You're too fat/short/skinny/white/dark, etc." Or any other number of statements that can screw up our sense of self-worth.

To further complicate matters, its not like there's some kind of straight line that separates the good self-esteem from the bad self-esteem. Most of us have areas of our lives where we feel very competent, so our self-esteem is high in those areas. Then there can be other areas of our lives where we feel very shaky, for example, physical attractiveness, flirting, social interactions, etc. Some stray comment, glance, etc. can trigger some really negative feelings, even when you're consciously aware of the issues you have. (Fortunately, the intensity of those negative feelings do significantly decrease over time, with work....sometimes they don't totally disappear.)

So if you're trying to determine why relationships are ending, look for the patterns. Patterns in types of mate, types of relationships, types of reasons for breaking up, when you became dissatisfied, how you felt and when, what your intuition told you and when. Are you habitually picking the wrong type of partner for you? Do your relationships end when everything seems to be going great? Do you have the same types of arguments with different partners? Do the same types of events, e.g., having sex, cohabitating, meeting each other's parents, spending the holidays together, etc., cause problems in all your relationships? The patterns will help you find your answers.

I think it is more of a gray area. I only had two long-term girlfriend (Sarah lasted a year, and Jennifer lasted two years). In both of these cases, yes, I strongly wished they were to break up with me throughout the second half of a relationship, but didn't have balls to do that myself. But then I also had 3 shorter lasting relationships (two of them half a year each, and one of them for a month and a half; the half a year ones were long distant so you can count them as equivalents of something a lot less). In these cases I didn't resent a relationship; I liked them. But I guess may be on the scale of 1-10 my need for them slided from 10 to around 3 or 4 as time progressed. And yes partly I started taking them for granted too.

What motivated me to write the current post is actually the long distant thing I am trying to pursue with one girl in NZ. Basically it is a roleycoaster: we started and ended a "relationship" probably 20 times by now, and each "relationship" lasted brobably only 3 days each (she was ending it each time; I was the one always wanting a relationship and was never to end it; in fact I never ended it with anyone in the past either, it was always them ending it). I now see that largely it is her own instability that has nothing to do with me. She has been, herself, trying to tell me that for a long time but I didn't belive her until recently.

But anyway, despite all that I noticed a pattern: when she starts one of the "relationships" I start taking her for granted within a scale of two days; and when she stops liking me, I start chasing her. Now, my opinion of her does not change for the worse when she starts liking me; on the contrary, it probably changes for the better since during the times she hates me I am mad at her and think all kinds of negatives, but when she likes me I like her back. Also my wanting to be with her is probably constant. But, what happens is that I resent that she takes so much time off me in the chats (when she likes me she can chat for 8 hours non-stop). So I still like her, still want to be with her; I just don't want to spend 8 hours chatting, and I don't know how to speak for myself.

But then again, this is not all there is to it. Right now she likes me, and FINALLY she agreed to maintain strict 1 hour per day schedule. But still I don't put any effort into her because I already "have" her so why fight for something that I have? Yes I still want to have her ESPECIALLY since I only have to invest 1 hour per day which is not a big deal; and I know if I lose her again I would be upset. But, until that happens, I just simply feel "why work for something that I have"? It is funny that right now I realize that, given her pattern, I might lose her agian 3 days later, but still that is something I would worry about 3 days later



I haven't seen that post, can you give me a link?

But anyway, to me this actually sounds pretty logical: if the other person likes you, you trust them, and if they don't like you, you stop trusting them. I guess there are different brands of jealosy, some have nothing to do with distrust. But may be subconsciously they are all connected? And may be that is also a reason why I wouldn't invest an effort when the other person likes me: I "trust" them that if I screw up they will understand.



It is funny: in my case yes it has everything to do with negative self image; but, in some weird sense, it is also the opposite to what you described. Basically, in light of my negative self-image I have a belief that I NEED a relationship in order to be happy. So I feel that there is something wrong with people who DON"T want to be with me: why should they be with someone who only needs them "for fun" instead of trying to be with someone who NEEDS them to RESCUSE them from all that misery that I face? So for that reason I feel that there is something wrong with everyone, besides the person who chooses me. And if someone does want to be with me, I wouldn't ask "why would they want someone like me". OF COURSE they shoudld want me: I need to be "rescued" from my problems.

May be that is also why I take them for granted. When I am single there is something really wrong with "everyone" since "everyone" rejects me due to my Asperger and I have to suffer for having a codition I can't even help. So that "problem" desperately needs fixing and trying to fix it takes all of my attention. But when I am taken, the entire "problem" is "fixed". First of all, I don't have to think about "everyone", I can just focus on the person I am with. And secondly, even if I do want to think about "everyone", Asperger is no longer a reason they are not mine; rather, it is because I am taken. So, since the "problem" is solved, I can move on to do my other things.

I guess may be it is like this: I feel that having Asperger has "robbed" me from what NT-s freely have. So, since it is not my fault I have Asperger, I despertately want whatever NT-s have, including relationships. When I finally get what NT-s have, I can feel better about myself, so problem solved. Now yes I do get attracted to women. But due to Asperger I don't have much choice on whom to be with. So normally I just settle on a random woman I don't even feel attracted to, and I feel that that is okay since my prime reason for rleationships is self esteem, as opposed to attraction or anything else.

The funny thing is that I only learned that I can't have what NT-s have when I was 21. Until that time I had no opportunity to learn that since I wanted to only do math and physics and everything else was "waste of time". So, since I never tried, I never had apportunity to fail. So I thought I can have all kinds of friends and girlfriends, I was just CHOOSING not to. But then at 21 when I tried and fail, I became obsessed with "having a girlfriend". But, ironically, my sexual attraction was much higher before I was 21 than after. Yet, I only "wanted to have a girlfriend" after 21.

But I guess it is a complicated thing with a lot of factors. The other thing I observed about myself is that I often want to "escape" whatever situation I am at. For example with schools, I been to four different schools (undergrad, masters, ph.d. and right now post doc). In every place I was looking forward to the time I will move to the next one, and I felt that all of my problems will be solved after I move. So I geuss getting a girlfriend through dating sites feels kind of like this: in dating sites I can talk to anyone, not just people I meet at the streets I am so sick and tired of. So successfully hooking up with someone is a nice "escape". But then, when I am in a long-term relationship, then I feel "trapped" and want it to end in order to escape (but so far it only happened twice, during the two relationships that lasted the most: Sarah for 1 year and Jennifer for 2 years). On the other hand, with shorter term girlfriends, I didn't feel "trapped" but still I was somewhat disillusioined that I didn't get into "another dimension" that I hoped I would get into (just like I am disillusioned with any new school I am at that it didn't get me into "another dimension" either).

I guess though another part of it is that I don't konw how to express an innitiative, and that is why I have trouble approaching people to begin with. So whenever a relationship lasts, it really lasts because the woman does the work for me, and decides when we meet and what we do. Now of course her tastes are not exact copy of mine, and since I can't say "I don't want to do such and such lets instead do such and such" I feel FORCED to do what someone else wants, which is ultimately what makes me feel trapped and wanting to escape.

....sorry confused NT again.

Why can't you say, "Let's do such and such", so you don't feel forced?

I think it is probably related to my feeling a lot younger than my age, so I am waiting for an "adult" to tell me what to do. May be the root of it is that with my parents this dynamics was set up when I was very little and it never changed. I guess sometimes my parents do ask me why I never express my opinion on what I want to eat and always wait for their decision, which I can't help. But they still treat me like a little kid in other aspects. So since I am isolated and don't have experience interacting with "equals", thats why whenever I go to eat with anyone, including people my own age, I ask their suggestion on what to order; so if I can't decide even as simpe as that, OF COURSE it is even harder to decide to go to the movie or whatever. That is also probably a big reason why I can't approach ppl and make friends: I am afraid they would think why did I approach them and not the person next to htem, and why i did it now rather htan some other time?

But on my own I make such decisions just fine; I can be spontaneous if no one is watching me since I don't have to be "accountable" to anyone. May be that is what sets up a stage for my needing space once I been around people long enough; after all being alone is the only way for me to feel comfortable to fulfill my own needs.

And here's me thinking that low self-esteem was the cause of not being able to get a relationship in the first place. That's what everyone says, isn't it?

Surely someone with low self-esteem who somehow stumbles into a relationship would be less likely to take it for granted than someone who really fancies themself as Gods gift to the universe.