Possibly dated an aspie that i still really like a lot...

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Hi! I found this board while endlessly searching online for some help. This seems to be a good place to ask some things. I really think my ex boyfriend may be an Aspie. I know another Aspie and he has similar/standard traits. Brilliant, socially awkward, stims, communicates better online, has a different sense of humor (goes out of his way to show that he finds sarcasm funny (even laughs when it's not supposed to be funny) but I hear that aspies often don't understand sarcasm so maybe he's overcompensating?), constantly quotes movies...probably more. I was also his 1st girlfriend. We're in our late 20s.

Anyway, I completely fell for this guy and eventually got the guts to tell him I liked him. I thought he might feel the same way via a few things online and after I caught him looking at me and looking away quick, talking to me a lot...etc. I'd watch movies with him at his place and he'd be really sitting stiff but close to me. When I told him I liked him, he got really nervous, started just rambling and I thought it was a rejection. A week later, he, in an incredibly adorable and nervous way, told me he liked me too. ...and seemed to rush right into the action but always asked before we did anything. An odd combo of being a gentleman and a teenage boy. Cute, to say the least but also a confusing. As things went along, he talked less and communication became very difficult. When I said I wasn't ready to have sex, he went into somewhat of a tantrum and I thought I was getting rejected again but then he asked me to "come here" and held me until I said I just thought I should leave. I was confused for about a week and then we talked online and we started back up again...in the same manner with poor communication but still just had what seemed to be an amazing connection (hard to explain). This time, he was nervous about having sex and took weeks to decide "yes" and had tons of questions leading up to it.

He's only able to explain himself online. I just couldn't get a read on the guy due to the back and forth thoughts, no clear answers, etc...very indecisive about being in a relationship and would say just odd things and have odd questions about what we should be doing.

So, a few month's later, several underlying problems arose and I got upset. He had a long-term crush/obsession with another girl living really far away now and I could never get a straight answer from him as to whether he was past that. It was always..."we're just friends" but then he'd talk about her all the time and he was far too excited when she visited. I kept trying to ignore it, thinking I was being paranoid. Then he tells me online (after I get upset online) that he'd rather be with her. Still for some reason, I didn't want to quit on him but I asked him if I should. After asking that several times (only via text and online) he finally said he cares about me but it wasn't going to work. I don't have reason as to why he thinks this yet.

We finally talk in person about all this and he sticks to that answer and once again explains that he's just friends with her and that I shouldn't of been worried. (This is the standard back and forth that I tried to work with.) He also brings up the idea that he thinks I was just using him for comfort rather than a real relationship. This is not true at all but I was still so upset that I never said anything to correct him. I feel bad about that.

Now, still friends, months later...here's more confusion. We're getting along better than ever. I like that he talks a lot and has more eye contact with me now and we go out and do things more than ever. If I sit close to him, he appears to stim and act odd or nervous. He bangs his forehead, was covering his face with his hat, and he couldn't keep his legs still. I had seen this before when he was nervous or upset. He also talked in a more nervous manner with long pauses and thinking. I grabbed a cuddle from him and he absolutely froze and got a racing heart...like a panic attack. I thought I was doing something wrong but stayed anyway.

He's also said that I've probably never met somebody like him before and he calls himself odd.

He admits that he confuses people and that he can't explain himself or meet people or keep in contact. He's somewhat of an island outside of the internet.

Big question: Would he keep things from not happening because he knows how he is? Should I try to pursue him again and how? I don't want to scare or frustrate him. I know it was pushing for answers before that got him to his limit...oh and he says he has a bad temper but I've yet to see it. Could of been really angry when I got upset online though.

I just can't figure him out and I like him so much...cute oddities and all. Any advice? Thanks! I know this is long but I don't want to lose him.

Whether or not he is an aspie or has any type of autism spectrum disorder, he definetly has trouble communicating. My guess is he has trouble reading people's feeling and intentions. There may have been times when you thought you were being very obvious about something with your facial expressions or body language and he didn't respond to it. This isn't necesarily a rejection, it's just him not knowing what to do. My only type of advice would be with communication, since I don't know you or him. Just try to be as direct as possible with him and use your words. Try to put into words everything that your feeling and maybe then he'll respond better. I don't know though.

Aspies are very direct people who tend to take things literally. We can have lots of problems understanding body language, facial expressions ect & some of us can have a very hard time expressing our feelings. We can be very afraid of rejection or we can be worried about people taking things the wrong way. Lots of things I say & do can get misinterpreted witch leaves me feeling very nervous & insecure about things. It sounds like he may of been unsure of what you wanted from him. Aspies can have lots of problems figuring that out in relationships. I'm not really sure what advice to offer rite now except to be very direct & straightforward with communication & to tell him directly what you want from him & ask direct questions to understand him

If he not talking enough, try giving him sugar or keep asking question. If one question encourage him to talk for 10 mins, it was a good question. He will respond longer if it were similar to his interest. Talk about dream, perhap? That's a good general question!

You are going to have lot of quiet time if he stucked.

You and him should alway stay away from TV, radio, and distracting noise if you are going to talk for a while unless you are watching together.

When you are listening to him, make some simple noise like "uh-huh" "yes" "absolutely" etc. in a sincere manner otherwise you are faking it and that's wrong. It helped talker understand that the listener is listening, this is different if it was said in public meeting, which is a different rules. Trust me! I can be paranoid over the fact that listeners aren't listening to what I am saying.

Thanks for the replies so far! He's on a trip right now but I'm going to try to talk to him when he gets back..about more serious things. The night before he left for this trip, we went out to eat. He finally got a beer when we went out. He's been very careful not to drink around me and I was the same. He got giggly really fast and even played with his food after 1/2 a beer! So, I started tossing things out there like...I'm picky about guys (he's only my 2nd boyfriend and the 1st one that I really like...well love actually ). He responded to that by repeating what I said, looking away shyly and smiling. Then, jokingly, I told him I thought he'd be hilarious if we were drunk together. He said that would be disastrous. I would like to ask him again what he meant by disastrous since he didn't have an answer that night. I know he's had some bad experiences with drinking and a girl before but why with me? He slept with a girl and becomes sexually forward when drunk. He even warned me that he's sexually fast but that wasn't the case at all with me. Just to back and forth on thoughts. Anyway, I think I can use that "disastrous" question to break into other questions like...what specifically made him end things between us? Why does he think he's odd/different? Why hasn't he had another girlfriend? What happened with a girl that made them not talk for 8 years? Why did he even finally decide to start dating me? etc. I'd like to know more of his past to help me understand the present. He also tells me that he hasn't told me things because he thinks he can't but I know A TON of stuff about him. What is he not telling me?! Maybe about his aspergers? When I did ask him what I did specifically to make him end things (online), he said he'd tell me in person but that was weeks ago. He always waits until I bring things up and that's hard for me.

I just have this incredibly nagging suspicion that he still has feelings for me but since it took him a week to even reciprocate that he liked me when he had full knowledge that I liked him, I'm wondering if he's to afraid to go back on his word and start things again.

Another factor...he's very job focused. Job beats everything. He recently got laid off and is looking for work everywhere. I'm wondering if he's afraid to start things because he thinks distance won't work. That was the excuse the last girl he liked gave him. Awhile back, I told him that's a bad excuse.

One more strange thing, right before we started having sex, he asked if it was going to be a one time thing or we could do it all the time. I told him, we're dating, we can keep doing it! He didn't seem to understand any dating rules. Just thought I'd toss that in there.

Sounds like you're the one doing most of the work in this.

that's what i was afraid of. ...it was just his mixed signals that were throwing me off. i guess i should just give up.