"shopping for love"

Page 1 of 2 [ 21 posts ] Go to page 1, 2 Next

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

02 May 2012, 1:28 pm

^^^title was stolen from a Scientific American Mind article of the same name by Sander Van Der Linden, which i found interesting.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/artic ... g-for-love

some excerpts of interest:

Quote:

In spite of maxims about so many fish in the sea, for example, recent research tells us that the heart prefers a smaller pond.

...

Participants presented with a broad array of potential partners more closely aligned with their anticipated ideal did not experience greater emotional satisfaction than when presented with fewer options.

[because...]

They found that when the number of participants in a speed-dating event increases, people lean more heavily on innate guidelines, known as heuristics, in their decision making. In essence, heuristics are ingrained rules of thumb that allow us to save effort by ignoring some of the information available to us when we evaluate our options. For example, in those events with a relatively large number of participants, the researchers discovered that people attend predominantly to easily accessible features, such as age, height, physical attractiveness, and so forth, rather than clues that are harder to observe, for example, occupation and educational achievement.

so, when given too many choices, we become more shallow or default to basic criteria instead of looking deeper. this leads to a dissatisfaction with the options. NOBODY is good enough when we have too many choices.

also, some researchers broke down 2 sets of qualities we hunt for in a mate:

searchable goods (i.e. height, weight, job, hair colour)
experiential goods (i.e. how someone makes you feel, sense of humour, how they treat their parents, moodiness)

Quote:

They asked 47 single men and women to list the qualities they look for in people they would consider either marrying or dating. Independent evaluators then rated the characteristics as either searchable or experiential. In both conditions, men and women mentioned more experiential traits—nearly three times more for dating partners and almost five times more for spouses.

...

Ariely and his co-authors argue that criteria such as “the way someone makes you laugh” or “how your partner makes you feel good about yourself” are harder to define in an online profile than a fondness for kittens, baseball or crème brûlée, leading people to make judgments based on searchable characteristics. They note that using attributes such as weight and height to choose a partner is similar to trying to predict the taste of a food based on its fiber content and calories.

so basically, we try to judge each other based on the criteria that we can search out (or ask in a quick speed-dating interview), because it is too hard to quantify the experiential goods.

also, apparently mate choices depend more on who else is available as opposed to independently valid criteria:

Quote:

In a 2006 study, for example, Raymond Fisman of Columbia University and his colleagues showed that when participants in a speed-dating event were asked what they seek in a potential partner, their answers did not match what they ended up finding attractive during the event. What we select depends on what else is being offered.

they had some advice, though it was a little flimsy (i don't know why every stinking article has to offer advice at the end... can't it just be informational? /rant)

Quote:

If you do attempt speed dating, avoid static, standardized conversations. Annual income and body mass index, after all, cannot give you that warm, fuzzy feeling inside. To obtain more experiential information, try telling a joke or casually mentioning that you plan to go, say, bungee jumping next month to see how he or she reacts.

_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105

AScomposer13413
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Feb 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,157
Location: Canada

02 May 2012, 1:54 pm

Hm...this is pretty interesting, gonna be honest! Though, if the study shows that we become more shallow as our dating pool increases, wouldn't that be an incentive not to try speed dating/internet dating, since the potential partners increase greatly?

JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

02 May 2012, 1:55 pm

I agree with this articles to a point if I shared examples it would be offensive

What I am starting to do now that I find I can make conversations easier on dating sites is this - test if they realize it's a person with real feelings, their own opinions and life on the other end and not just a product in a web shop. I do this by having more intelligent discussions and not being afraid to show I have different tastes or opinions to the girl (of course in polite, civil, friendly way). If they cease contact from that point I'd like to think they are being too unrealistic and as such wouldn't be a great dancing partner for me anyway

hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

02 May 2012, 1:57 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:

yes!

i think it could also work to shift the mindset to look at each person as an individual instead of comparing and ranking them against each other.

_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105

hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

02 May 2012, 1:58 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:

I agree with this articles to a point if I shared examples it would be offensive

What I am starting to do now that I find I can make conversations easier on dating sites is this - test if they realize it's a person with real feelings, their own opinions and life on the other end and not just a product in a web shop. I do this by having more intelligent discussions and not being afraid to show I have different tastes or opinions to the girl (of course in polite, civil, friendly way). If they cease contact from that point I'd like to think they are being too unrealistic and as such wouldn't be a great dancing partner for me anyway

very good advice.

_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105

mv
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,131

02 May 2012, 1:59 pm

Oh, this was *so* interesting! And completely borne out by my experiences, too.

It's a very difficult line, to ascertain what's *too much* choice.

GoatOnFire
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,986
Location: Den of the ecdysiasts

02 May 2012, 2:16 pm

It makes some sense. People only have so much patience. If you think about evaluating a date like say, a teacher grades a paper the teacher would probably do a more thorough job of evaluating the paper if she has to grade 5 of them rather than 40.

With less choices it is more prudent to take the time to quantify the "experiential goods" than in a speed dating situation where there are more candidates' performance to grade in a faster time frame.

I agree with you that the advice the article provides is a little weak. It acts like it is discouraging speed dating. What would be more logical would be that if you speed date and find one you think you might like then just see if you can go out on another damn date with them where you have the time to probe deeper. :wink:

I'm also not sure if this searchable vs. experiential goods is flawless in separating shallow traits from deep traits. After all, wouldn't the length/girth of the man's magic staff be an experiential good because it is not easily searchable in most social situations? After all he can tell you something but you don't really know how much his cocktail of enhancement drugs are really helping until you actually experience it, therefore making it an experiential good.

_________________
I will befriend the friendless, help the helpless, and defeat... the feetless?

RICKY5
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Dec 2009
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,201

13 May 2012, 8:24 pm

Oh my God!

Humans are lustful, vain, and status seeking?! !?

Shocking!

blunnet
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Apr 2011
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,053

13 May 2012, 8:44 pm

^ True, but don't tell anybody.

RICKY5
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Dec 2009
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,201

13 May 2012, 9:28 pm

blunnet wrote:

^ True, but don't tell anybody.

LOLZ!

hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

13 May 2012, 10:16 pm

actually, the study found the opposite. i think your reading comprehension failed, RICKY5. :lol:

_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105

rabbittss
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 29 Dec 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,348

13 May 2012, 10:23 pm

So .. correct me if I'm wrong.. but the article basically says that people are less apt to settle on what's available.. if there is a wide range available.. but at the same time become more strict in what they are looking for.. because they are impatient with sifting through the huge number of options?

hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

13 May 2012, 10:23 pm

yes

_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105

rabbittss
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 29 Dec 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,348

13 May 2012, 10:26 pm

Odd, then, it seems I'm not the only one who doesn't want to settle on whats available when I know theres more interesting options out there..

JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

14 May 2012, 6:46 am

I think a lot of this love shopping boils down to people wanting to punch above their weight.
You could be more than adequate for them and vice versa yet they ditch you because there are footballers or supermodels on the same site, even though the people doing the ditching have no chance in hell with them for various shallow reasons.

Chipshorter
Velociraptor

Joined: 16 Jan 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 477
Location: The Georgian Quarter of The Pool of Life, The Centre of The Creative Universe

14 May 2012, 1:57 pm

I agree what the article is claiming that there needs to be a paradigm shift in how new dating selection tools, methods and technologies are used effectively and successfully. My own experiences of using internet dating in the past proof that, plus it proofed that theses new methods are only suitable IMO for short term relationships.

As a whole the article, as a work of journalism is below par in quality. I found the overall tone of the article to be obnoxious and derogatory, this is due to the retail analogy that was used in the piece. The reification of finding and choosing a potential partner to be identical to the activities of trading commodities in a retail environment, is quite clearly a crass attempt of objectification.

_________________
Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself. It is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime. --Potter Stewart
Corruption is authority plus monopoly minus transparency. --Unknown

Page 1 of 2 [ 21 posts ] Go to page 1, 2 Next

Jump to:

"shopping for love" Post Reply New Topic

"shopping for love"