Aspie boyfriend keeps talking about past girlfriends

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Hi there,

I am an NT who has been dating a suspected Aspie for 2 months. He loves to talk about places he's been and things he's done with past girlfriends, so much so that I was starting to wonder whether he viewed me as his girlfriend at all. When I asked for clarification he apologised for being insensitive and was genuinely embarassed. He also seems to be trying to get to know me in reference to his most recent girlfriend, contrasting our personalities and ways of doing things. He is very open, objective and honest about the way he talks about them, but I wish he could concentrate more on the here and now. He doesn't seem to have had any problem getting girlfriends since his marriage broke down 7 years ago (he has had 4 girlfriends during that time) and is very comfortable striking up a conversation with women he doesn't know.

So, I would be very appreciative if Aspies could give me their opinion on these things. Should I simply overlook these ongoing references to past girlfriends as being factual and innocent recollections? And should I be concerned about his feelings for me, given his preoccupation with them and the fact that he seems easily attracted to other women? We have been enjoying a great intellectual and physical relationship, but I am wary of getting hurt.

I don't think anyone can answer this for sure. Everyone is different. It seems harmless to me. I am female, but personally I talk about past events because they are safe, I've been there and done it and I know what the outcome was. New things as they are happening now scare me because I don't know how they are going to turn out. Also comparing what happens now with what happened in the past is a good way for me to learn.

I talk about past girls in order to make sense of why they rejected me. This has nothing to do with my having any residual feelings towards them. It is just an ego thing: since most ppl reject me I feel inadequate and I want to make sense of it. And yes, I would be talking about it to my current girlfrineds: after all I don't have any friends, so whoever I am dating is basically my only audience. But I guess htis might not apply to your boyfriend, since you said he has no trouble getting girls.

The other reason I talk about the past (not just past girlfriends) is that, like musicboxforever said, it is safe. So when I am too stressed about here and now I want to hide in the past. I also have problem with my age, I wish I was younger -- especially since I have some regrets such as taking 8 years to complete graduate sschool; so I want to go back to the past and "undo" them. Sometimes remembering the past, when some of my mistakes haven't happened yet, makes me feel a lot better. And whatever problems I had back then seem not a big deal since they were all solved by now.

It's a part of the classic Aspie honesty thing I guess. It dosen't mean anything about how he views you, he's just more open than you'd expect NTs to generally be. I wouldn't read too much into it.

In fact, it's more a plus if anything. Honesty is always good in a relationship, after all

Tell him to quit living in the past, or history is doomed the repeat on him

They were his "special interest" but now you are. Tell him that it bothers you when he talks about them and he should talk about you. Change the subject on him.

It is normal for someone with AS to:

Ramble on endlessly about personal special interests, whether present or past.

Speak with blunt honesty about facts and factual occurrences, without realizing that discussing these things is making others uncomfortable or bored.

Attempt to bond with others by talking about ourselves and things we know and have experienced, because we often find it difficult to relate to other peoples' experiences in any other way.


Truth be told, because we also have difficulty expressing our feelings to others openly, if he still had any romantic interest in these past girlfriends, he would likely not mention them to you at all, ever.

I wouldn't worry about it.

I do the same thing, and I always have to remind myself that it's not a good thing to do...but sometimes it just slips =/

Sometimes I try to disguise it by saying "my friend" instead, but they always catch me.

Try changing the subject when he rambles on about topics you dislike.

And what Willard said.

I sometimes do this, and my current girlfriend hates it. The way I see it, I spent two years of my life with my last ex, and yes, I did have some "life experiences" or a "history" or whatever. I have memories with them, that weren't necessarily bad. I don't mean to make my current girlfriend upset by talking about her, it's just sometimes I relate the current memories with the past ones.

Although I know it's not really the best thing to do since I broke up with my ex, so I usually try not to talk about it.

EDIT: The part about getting it all out there is true too. I told my current girlfriend everything I hated about my ex, so that if my current girlfriend did do any of the same things I'd know. But she doesnt

Last edited by jdcnosse on 01 Jul 2010, 4:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

OK, as an Aspie female, I need to give you my opinion. I totally did the same thing, and it really bothered my (now husband) boyfriend (who is also an Aspie, btw). he thought I was trying to make him jealous or that I was stuck on them or something. That was not the case AT ALL. I just over-share because I am WAY too honest and have this horrible inability to screen my thoughts. What was going on in MY mind was, "man those past relationships were failures (obviously, that's why the ended). I REALLY want this to work. I need to make sure this person knows what works for me and what doesn't." An NT doing the same thing might be trying to be manipulative or play some game or something. But odds are if it's an Aspie, they're just trying to get everything out there and be honest so no one's time is wasted. He probably wants you to know as much possible, so you can skip the usually nerve-racking, sometimes totally pointless "Courting" period). At least this is MY view on it.

As for the talking to other females, that doesn't mean he is ATTRACTED. The women probably THINK he is, but odds are he just thinks the subject he's talking about is what's interesting. I talk to men ALL THE TIME, only to have my husband (then BF) complain I was "hitting on them." He knows better now that he knows I'm like him (I was Dx after we met), And now that I know MYSELF better I try to be more aware of HOW a man who is talking to me is talking to me, instead of WHAT they're talking about. I also tend to mimic the actions of others when I am in an unfamiliar social situation. As much as my "social blindness" and insensitive mentioning of past romantic situations upset him, HE did the same. There were women hitting on him all the time -right in front of me and he never noticed, and would talk to them too just because he was either trying to be nice or because the subject was interesting.

It took us both years to become more aware. It was difficult, but we got through it- mostly because we're friends and truly respect each other. Hopefully things will work out with you two, just try and be patient and REALLY pay attention to WHAT he is actually saying to these girls and how he is acting. I bet he's just trying to be polite to them and/or enjoying the topic of conversation. And just keep (kindly) reminding him that talking about past experiences makes you uncomfortable. Just keep in mind that Aspies are typically VERY bad at playing "mind games". Not that they aren't capable of trying sometimes- it's just that it's usually quite transparent

The next time he brings up an ex, stand up and walk away. Go home and read a book or do something fun. Don't contact him. Wait for him to call and explain that you have asked him before to stfu about his exes. Don't give in until he apologises.

Repeat as often as necessary for the message to sink in. Or as often as you can be bothered. If he consistently doesn't learn from mistakes, get rid of him.

Its inappropriate. No-one likes being compared to past partners. At all, no matter what it is.

Ask him how he would like to be compared to an ex of yours with a (excuse me here) 10 inch dick who was a fantastic lay. I don't think very much.

Even little things like the way you do things - tell him to quit it.

What an unusual male 'aspie'.

I am an aspie female, but I can relate to this. I have done this in my relationships, and honestly I never realized that it was something I wasn't supposed to do. Actually I'm not I've ever stopped doing it I have realized that you aren't supposed to compare your current significant other to a past one.

If I was with a boyfriend who was doing this, in an instance when he was doing it I would sort of explain what he was doing (when you bring up so-and-so/compare me to her) say that it makes you feel like he still loves her/doesn't think of you as a girlfriend (it would make me feel like he isn't over her, but say however it makes you feel). Maybe tell him you understand that his ex was different than you and he's getting used to how your personality contrasts in relation to hers, but it would make things easier for you if he kept thoughts pertaining to her in his head....not out loud.

Thanks heaps everyone! It's so good to get your perspective on this. I feel a lot better now. I especially liked the insight about feeling safe talking about the past, especially good memories, compared to the uincertainty of the future. I'll keep that it mind.