How do I get him to stop blaming himself?

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Hey there, I'm new to the forum. I'm an NT and my boyfriend has Asperger's. We are currently in a long distance relationship. He lives a few hours away and attends a different college a few hours away from where I live and go to school. We met playing HvZ (Humans vs. Zombies) last fall and we already knew the majority of each others friends before we started dating.

About two months into the relationship (about a month ago) I got upset about something and it was compounded by the fact that he didn't seem to care that I was upset. In reality he didn't even notice I was upset. He told me that a year and a half ago he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and he told me about how it effected his childhood, friendships, and relationships. I'm a psych student, so I know a bit about Asperger's, and it all suddenly started to make sense. I realized the majority of the things he did that annoyed me or upset me were due to his Asperger's.

I really, really like him. We have a stable and enjoyable relationship going. I know that he just functions differently than I do, and I find the way he thinks and what makes him tick fascinating (it's one of the things that attracted me to him).

However, because it's hard for us to understand each others thoughts/feelings/emotions or lack there of, it can be difficult. We're still talking about ways to make things run as smoothly as possible. I tend to get upset easily, but I also let things go pretty easily. I just need a minute to calm down so I don't say anything I don't mean or shouldn't say.

Any time I get upset or we just aren't getting each other, he blames himself. He feels like he's doing things "wrong" and he hates being "different". Does anyone have any advice on communication between an Aspie and an NT in a relationship? Or, more importantly, any advice on how to help him embrace his differences and work with his strengths and weaknesses instead of just blaming himself? I really hate hearing him be so negative and down on himself

Sorry, that was extremely long, I just wanted to paint a picture for anyone willing to give advice!

-Biz

I blame myself for stuff like that too. If I were you I'd encourage him not to blame himself but not "push" the don't blame yourself kinda thing on him either. An example is when he's apologizing for things he has no control over don't tell him not to do that but still reassure him everything is ok and tell him you aren't annoyed. Even though eventually I stopped blaming myself for things a lot more I still apologize for things I have no control over even though I don't know why I'm apologizing anymore. Keep in mind that Aspies are very vulnerable to clinical depression and some of us have very pessimistic and have self loathing attitudes because of the fact that we know we don't fit in and that other people notice that and all the mistakes we make because of our learning disabilities. The NT world is hard for us to navigate and our lives are filled with challenges that are invisible to NTs.

Thanks for the advice In general he's a pretty upbeat person. I'm getting better at reassuring him, but it's still difficult to understand sometimes. I'm an extremely social person and I'm very, very outgoing. Because I spend so much of my time understanding people and working with people (I'm in 8 student organizations and an activist) and I pay so much attention to small cues (tone and inflection of speech, body language, etc) and I'm such an emotionally driven individual that it just isn't easy to put myself in his shoes sometimes.

To be honest, I'd known of Asperger's for a long time. I knew all the symptoms and how to diagnose it, what other conditions/disorders it tends to be coupled with, and what forms of therapy and medications are the most successful, but I never really thought much about how difficult it must be to live in an NT world.

Hell, it's hard enough for me and am an NT. The world can be a shallow, manipulative, and greedy place. Everything can feel overwhelmingly superficial and jaded. People are selfish and self-absorbed and it's already hard enough to find people that are accepting and understanding, I can't even imagine how hard it was for him growing up and just feeling different and uncomfortable with himself...

I love how he keeps things simple and how laid back he is. It's great to finally be with someone that, for the most part, is rational, and to have someone that would honestly to just about anything to keep me smiling. It's the most honest relationship I've ever been in. His honesty and rationality brings out mine. That's why it kills me that he hates something that he can't control. He hates a part of himself that I find interesting and endearing. I just wish I could make things easier for him he doesn't deserve to feel like s**t just because he's different, but I can't make him be content with himself.

-Biz

You should keep showing him that you love that part of him, and make him feel special about it. It is really hard to feel good about yourself when you have something most people don't understand. The fact that you know so much about his condition is really a great thing. I lost a lot of my friendships during a state of clinical depression related to my AS. Right now the only people I'm in contact with either have an ASD, an MI, both, or they have a decent amount of knowledge on those conditions and are willing to except that I have little control over certain aspects of my life. Personally I think Neurodiversity is the greatest concept in my life right now. To me that word is the hope that one day NT's will understand me, respect me, and give me equal opportunity in their world.

It's kind of hard to do sometimes because he doesn't like to talk about his Asperger's directly. His mother (who is, in all honesty, a caring and hardworking person who only wants the best for her son) blames herself. I spent a week with his family (mom, dad, and younger sister) and they don't talk about it. They all avoid conflict and bottle things up. She never brought it up directly but she did mention that he was "different" and that she worries about him. She acts as though she believes he is incapable of taking care of himself or having a normal life even though he's perfectly capable, doing well in school, and "normal" doesn't appeal to him. He told me that his mother was the only one that he talked to about it when he wanted to get tested for it and he's never discussed it in any way, shape, or form with his sister or his father. They just pretend it doesn't exist, but treat him delicately (which he doesn't like).

For years he's been treated differently and it makes him feel like there's something wrong with him and it makes it hard for him to talk about He doesn't want people to think of him as disabled or pity him (and I can understand that with all of the misconceptions).

I don't want to talk about it too much and make him uncomfortable or make him feel like I see his Asperger's instead of seeing him...

He feels like he doesn't deserve me when he honestly does. He's terrified of me not understanding and gradually lose my want to work through things because it's so hard sometimes. (And to be honest, it scares me, too, but I'm willing to try my best.) He keeps telling me he's afraid of accidentally hurting me because I feel like he doesn't care sometimes and he doesn't like when I feel that way.

I'm a pretty open and accepting individual. I'm an anarchist, and agnostic, a woman, and I identify as queer. To a certain extent I understand what it's like to deal with people who don't understand how or why I function like I do and have them resent me or write me off because of my differences. I'm a dreamer and an idealist at heart and hopefully one day, given time and effort and a social paradigm shift things will get better. The most effective way to fight ignorance on any topic is knowledge. Just talking to people about it and making them aware of an issue (such as neurodiversity, a topic I look forward to learning more about) is the first step, and positive attitudes never hurt either.

-Biz

Okay, that part kinda threw me....you're in a romantic relationship with a man but you identify as queer? I always thought queer meant gay, meaning you'd be a lesbian? Sorry, don't mean to be too personal, but I'm not quite following you.

Anyway, my take-away from your post is that your bf has to deal with his diagnosis, and I don't think he's done that. Don't get me wrong, he sounds like a nice guy, but he is the product of his environment (his family of origin). And from your description, his environment is one in which issues aren't discussed or dealt with, and emotions don't appear to be expressed or processed. Not surprisingly, he and his family haven't addressed his diagnosis - and that means that he hasn't, either.

He needs to understand what Asperger's means to him, personally: he needs to be able to identify his deficits and his gifts - and how each of those deficits and gifts impact him as a partner (and as a person). You two also need to be open about how you approach your Aspie/NT relationship: how you'll resolve conflicts, adjust expectations; communicate with each other, etc. The reality is that your guy has a disability, and that requires adjustment from both of you.

The other thing you need to keep in mind is that everything that is different, unusual, problematic, etc. about him is not be due to his Asperger's. Remember, he's the product of his environment - he's dysfunctional in the same ways his family is. That also means that certain aspects of his behavior are subject to change....but that's a very big challenge in these relationships: figuring out what cannot be changed (because of Asperger's), and what can be changed (behavioral/psychological issues that can be treated).

There are people who are in successful Aspie/NT relationships, but they do seem to take dedication, commitment, and honesty from the people involved. I hope it works out for you - good luck.

The term queer also use to be used as a subsitute word for weird or confusing, although it's never used a description for either term in modern day society. maybe that's what she meant.

I'm so old I remember when 'queer' DIDN'T mean gay.

Nope, queer does not mean gay (or at least it doesn't to me). A few years ago at a Class Struggle Anarchist Conference I started talking to a group of people who were heavily into Queer Theory (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer_theory) and I got to thinking.

To me, what it means is I don't put up boundaries for myself. I was raised Catholic and taught that being in touch with your sexuality was only okay if it was within the confines of a heterosexual, church sanctioned marriage. To a certain extent, I like women. However, I've never been comfortable identifying as a bisexual. I'm not. I don't like women the way I like men. It's different and my attraction to an individual has nothing to do with their gender identity.

People who tell themselves that they are "straight" or "gay" or "bisexual" can run into some issues like I did. I identified as straight for a long time. In high school there was a woman that I had a bit of a crush on, and it didn't sit well with me. It made me feel like I was living a lie. It felt like a bit of an identity crisis. I felt like it was wrong. I felt like my integrity would be questioned if I started identifying as bisexual, so I kept identifying as straight, but it never sat right with me.

I'd never thought about it, but saying "I'm into _______" is extremely limiting. It's like someone saying "Oh God, I'd never do anal, it's just not me!" (I used to say that) and then realizing, after years of vocalizing what they don't or won't allow themselves to do, they're interested in trying it. Admitting something that you were hardline against or not into is not intriguing isn't easy. Saying you want someone or something you may have made fun of or said "Ewww" to at one point is hard, because it means admitting you're wrong.

I am perfectly happy and satisfied with my boyfriend but I identify as queer as to not put up those boundaries for myself. There aren't walls any more. If I'm not into something, I'm not into it at the time (and I very well may never be) but I don't have the rigidity of saying "I'm not into girls" or "I'll never try BDSM" or whatever the case may be. It's more fluid. If I want to try something I've never tried before, I'm not beating myself up after because I promised not to try it. It's my way of stating that I'm in tune with my sexuality, don't judge myself or others upon preferences, and I leave things open-ended so I can return to something that used to be a "That's just not for me" and explore it if I so choose.

Okay, that was really long, but I hope it explained it a little better.

And you're right, he hasn't fully dealt with his diagnosis. I read over what I said and it sounds like his family life isn't do great. That's not entirely true. His family loves him and they are proud of him, and I'm sure that they'd awkwardly talk about it if he brought it up (not easy to do). Now the question is do you have any advise on how to help him come to terms with it and start working on it? We have a very open and honest relationship and I plan on bringing all of this up to him sometime soon, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable by talking about it too much before he's ready. Any advice on how much or little I should say to start out?

-Biz

Okay, thanks for clearing up the "queer" thing....although I think most people would assume "queer" = "homosexual" - I guess you're at the vanguard of defining a new use for the word. Thanks for hipping me to it.

Anyway, as for how to help him come to terms with his diagnosis...it does kinda depend on his personality. Perhaps he could meet with a therapist who has expertise in Asperger's....someone who can explain ASD to him, talk about his particular symptoms and how he feels about their impact. As a first step though, I suggest you both research Asperger's (lots of good online resources, but be sure to get the most credible sources for information and research). (And keep this in mind: there's still a lot to learn about Asperger's.)

I also suggest he educate himself about functional behavior in families (I'm sure his family does love him, and they sound like decent folks - but there's definitely something odd about the way they've responded to their son's disability).

As far as how much or how little to say to him - I can't help you there. I don't know his personality, or what other issues he may be dealing with, so I have no idea how he'll respond to you....I don't know how much he knows about ASD, how willing he is to learn about it, how accepting he'll be of what he learns, etc. I'm sorry, I wish I could provide some guidance, but it all depends on the two of you.

A few more thoughts to offer: your bf has to be motivated - and willing - to deal with his diagnosis and his other issues. There's nothing about ASD that changes that part of the equation: each person has to be willing to work on their own issues. You also might want to take a look at your own motivation to be in this relationship - beyond the obvious. I don't mean this in a negative way...its just that if you understand why you've chosen to pursue an Aspie/NT relationship, you'll be better prepared to deal with the challenges - which should help you have a happier relationship.

Thankyou very much for the advice and things to think about, you've been very helpful I'm going to talk to him about it next time we both have enough time for a longer conversation, wish me luck!

-Biz

I do this too sometimes. I have a mild case of Aspergers and my girlfriend isn't an NT persay...but she's not on the spectrum lol (she has her own issues). Anyways I remember because one of the cute things I like that she does is she writes me notes, and in one of the notes she joked about on of our dates. I took her to the drive-in, and everything was going good but it was kinda hot out and there were mosquitos. I saw that she looked a little uncomfortable and I just started beating myself up for it. I felt like the whole date was ruined because she wasn't having as good of a time as I wanted. But she told me in the note that she didn't really care about the mosquitos and that it was all about us being together.

Even now I have to tell myself that it's not my fault.

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in having this issue to deal with, is there anything in particular that she does to help you not blame yourself that I might be able to try?

-Biz

Well at the time she might not have noticed that I was upset but mainly she tells me that it isn't my fault and that like with the date, it was still perfect even though that minor inconvenience. Otherwise the only thing I could think of is just tell him that it wasn't his fault whatever he thinks he did, and that you love him and you accept him for who he is.

Will do, thanks for the advice.

-Biz