Doing Enough to Earning Love

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Do you feel that others think you do not do enough to earn love?

I feel I notice this all the time. Once I had a conversation about my difficulties with social skills. His reply was social skills can be learnt. I just felt like saying, “what have I been doing all this time haven’t I bothered to try. Haven’t I bought countless books on the subject, made and attempted to make conscious effort”.

The worst is was when one person in office said to me “we are married you are not” pointing out that they have made the necessary sacrifices and work need to have such relationships. And if I had put in the time and effort equally, I would also be happily married.

And because they are strong and wise they not only are married but married to the their own type. “in their case it would be an White Female NT” a next to impossible feet when you consider who hard it is to find a black female aspie.

I know what you mean . . . I think, though, that you shouldn't allow these people to make you feel bad. I don't believe that social skills can be 'learned'. I feel like however much I read or try to remember about what I'm supposed to say/not say in social situations and why, my brain will just continue to tend towards oddness, like a trolley with a wonky wheel. For instance, even if I conjure something normal-sounding to say, I will realise in retrospect that I'm inadvertently pulling a strange face, or that I looked angry or disinterested when I didn't mean to. This isn't my fault.

Are the people you mention people in your workplace? People who say things like 'We are married, you are not' demonstrate nothing other than the fact that they don't understand. They are able to juggle work and relationships more successfully because it comes to them more naturally. It don't think it means that they are strong or wise particularly, or superior to you or that they 'tried harder', whatever that would mean.

I'm not sure how I feel about the thought of being in a relationship with another Autistic person - I can imagine it being very hard, actually, what with the stress and so forth. It might be more encouraging not to limit potential partners in this way - who knows, you might find a Neuro-typical girl who understands you, and with whom you develop a good relationship. It's not such a bleak outlook when all the Neuro-typicals are potential partners as well as those with Autism.

In short, I would take no notice of the people at work. Yes, it's harder for us to cope with employment and relationships, but it's certainly not something we should be ashamed of, or be made to feel bad about. If you do have a job, you're already coping really well - I have found all of my jobs too stressful, and am now on benefits, along with lots of others with Autism. And if not, this is, again, not something to be ashamed of. I have learned, since my diagnosis, that I must preserve my self esteem, because people are all too willing to try and make me feel bad for not having a job - if I let them.

I don't think love can be earned like that. There's no correlation between the effort I've put into relationships and how long they lasted, or whether they've got off the ground. Depends too much on the other person.

I think there is a certain threshold of observable effort that needs to be put in by both parties to make a relationship work. i.e. it's not what you feel you are doing, but what the other person is aware of you doing.

Some people will find it more difficult than others. For example, you may think you are putting in way more effort than the average guy, but you're also starting off at a disadvantage so you need to work far harder to look as if you are making more than a half-assed attempt.

Also, with practice comes perfect. I think it is likely that NTs do put more work into social situations than we do, partially because they're used to it, so it doesn't feel like such a sacrifice to them (i.e. it takes them less effort to put in more work).

As well as this, most people (NTs included) do put a lot of effort and hard work into relationships. You have no way of telling whether they are putting more work or less than you do, so it's erronous to judge (on both your parts).

It does depend on both parties and what their threshold is though. Maybe you should aim for very laid back people with few 'standards' (that's not intended to be insulting).

"Happily married" is an oxymoron.

But, yes, I've heard this stuff. My dad, especially, has an attitude that I can and should be out socialising like NTs do. My mum used to go on about how I should go out more, but she's given that up now. Though, my dad dosen't say it much either anymore, I know that's his attitude. Whenever the subject of AS comes up in a conversation, he jumps to talking about how I can learn stuff and be "cured"

BTW, it's hard to find any female Aspie, no matter what colour they are.

How do you know? You're fifteen years old.

Observation of everyone I've ever seen, met, or heard of who's been married for more than a few years

From what I've seen, "Happily Married," is more a statement of contentment rather than a literal meaning. No relationship (marriage included) is going to be 100% due to personal quirks and what between the individuals. I'll use my parent's as an example (course they're the only one i know fairly well): Father - Math/Chemistry graduate, Engineer mentality (and possibly Autistic), Mother - Speech/Drama graduate, Teacher/Student mentality, mild socialite (meaning she keeps tabs on her friends, and does things with them weekly). As far as having things in common, they're both conservative (but not zealous . . . that accept change with time and reason), they're both financially frugal, and both have similar religious views/beliefs. "Happily Married," means that you're getting what you want/need in a relationship with mutual benefit for the spouse/partner (emotional, financial, physical, and spiritual). However, things today have skewed a lot of these facets and makes finding the right person for you that much harder (ie people have become pickier and/or shallower). Is there someone that will complement your life so you can feel whole . . . well, out of at least 4 billion people on the whole planet, it would be kinda sad if there wasn't (i say 4 billion because the other 2 are likely too young, old, married, etc). I think someone mentioned on a similar topic, "What is it you can offer to a significant other that would make you suitable for a life together?" This is one question that I still cannot answer . . . and don't know if i ever will.

Granted, my parents have been together for 32 years now, but it shows that even though they are two different individuals, they offer what the other is seeking (course, to this day, I still don't know what in the name of hell it is ).

I'm walking proof that there isn't necessarily someone like that... at least not for me...

Or that you haven't met them yet.

So far, Toad, so far...

Well that's just humans. There's no such thing as permanent happiness, unless you count the happiness independent of conditions. But some couples do find an equilibrium of being that is not 'happy' 100% of the time, but is something worthwhile. Being a happy human is an oxymoron, if you want to take it that far, because no one is happy all the time, but some find a peaceful balance with life. So, semantics then.

The reason I raise the point is because you're statement seemed unrealistically negative.

Good point I guess. But a lot of people these days get sucked in through those initial feelings, then after the marriage work out they actually have very little in common with their partner, hence the high divorce rates. I guess that's more to do with the decisions of the people involved than anything else though.

I do admit I'm biased on this, because IMO marriage is pointless.

100% this.

I agree, I've no use for marriage, it's a funny institution.

I think in modern times, people are far less likely to look inside and address relationship problems, and simply bail on something that doesn't seem to be working, which is why divorce rates are higher. Divorce is more socially acceptable, so why bother working at something when you can just abandon it and get something new? Disposability is built into everything these days.

I agree with you there.

Though, if the couple in question are really in love, they probably wouldn't be so quick in breaking up. Maybe this is a sign of love itself becoming more devalued. Then again, you can see that in the way teenagers say the word as if it's nothing.