Unwanted attention from opposite sex

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I have a problem with attraction. Apparently, I attract girls without even trying. I know what everyone's thinking :rolls: But it's hard for a few reasons, some inherently problematic, I'm guessing, considering the audience I'm talking to.

I don't feel like I handle these situations correctly, because the girls probably wind up thinking there is something wrong with themselves, when I just don't know how to handle their advances. It winds up creating problems, like people thinking I'm a homosexual or a misogynistic. Even with female friends, they seem to want to go a bit further and I just act oblivious.

So, anyone else have this problem, or am I being too worried about it?

Are you devastatingly handsome and irresistibly charming?

You could, if you're not too young for it to be convincing, wear a ring on your wedding finger, or, if that wouldn't work, tell them you have a girlfriend - even if it's just an imaginary on-line girlfriend that you pretend to care about sufficiently not to betray her.

IDK, I don't think I'm my looks justify the responses I get. It started happening when I got Lasik, but I think it's in my body language or facial expressions, whatever it is, I can't turn it off.

I'm the same way to a lesser degree.

Fart. Pick your nose. Tell horribly morbid jokes. Girls will soon leave you alone.

I need more information to properly help.

How old are you and the average age of the girls approaching you?

Where does this happen? At school? At a club?

What do the girls say to you (typically). Use some quotes as examples.

With this information, I might be able to craft a few statements and responses to indicate that you're unavailable without making yourself look bad or making the girls feel or look bad.

If you are an adult - the wedding ring idea is a good one. Also, mentioning a girlfriend (real or not) is a good route - it can also come up naturally in conversation.

I don't recommend the burping and farting and other unattractive behaviour suggestion. The goal is to make everyone look good. Acting in an offensive way will make you look bad and make the girls uncomfortable (they will know that you are being obnoxious as a way to make them go away). It will look immature at best.

Anyways, mention a few more details and I'm sure that I and the other WP members can help more.

Yeah, sorry. I should have thought a little before posting that.

Sometimes we attract people who think they can "mother" us. I think it's the "immature" vibe some of us give off--not immature as in stupid and silly, but as in much younger than we actually are.

You will simply have to tell them that you would like to be their friend, but are not interested in dating right now. If my guess is right, you'll want someone who thinks of you as an equal rather than someone they can "mother", anyhow.

I have a similar problem because I am asexual and don't want any dates; I've had boys (though no girls yet) suggest the possibility of a relationship and had to explain the problem. (I am a girl in the engineering field, and many of the males I meet like females who can understand science; so my eccentricity apparently doesn't repel them very effectively.) I occasionally lied and told them I already had a boyfriend; much as I hate it, it's easier than explaining the whole thing to someone you've only just met. I wouldn't suggest lying unless you are talking to someone you don't expect to befriend; it would be complicated to explain why you had lied.

I suggest preparing a standard response that explains that you do not currently wish to date anyone, perhaps with the addendum that you would, however, appreciate friendship. Rejecting people is difficult; leading them on is much worse.

A general way of saying your not interest that shouldn't hurt people's feelings is to say you're not interested in finding a relationship at this time. That way you're not putting the "blame" on them. That won't stop every girl/woman from being interested, but it might help sometimes.

As Canadian Rose said, mentioning a girlfriend is a good one. You can bring it up casually in conversation, for example mention that 'myself and my girlfriend did X last week'.

It's at work, which isn't advantageous to me because everyone knows everyone's business. It employee's, I'd say 90% males, and the company is a shipping company. It's hard labor and hot or cold temperature depending on time of year. I used to wonder why girls would work in a place like this to begin with, but I realize now, it's probably partially to find a guy to date. I'm 28 and the girls that come up to me could be any age up to 30, but since most of the new employees are fresh or almost fresh out of high school, (and there's a high turn over rate) around the 20 year old mark.

One example was this girl who was 20, very bubbly, even more than what is typically enjoyable, I'm guessing from a NT standpoint. She was very hot. She just got out of high school and still had angst in her, but she seemed like she needed a special someone to complete her. She was a fundamental christian, and with all this and what I'm about to get into in my next paragraph, I came to the conclusion that she probably wanted to wed a guy right away.

Why did I think she liked me? Because she always gave me a these looks, or when we would finish a conversation, she would leave me with an inappropriate wink. Or she would act like she didn't notice me and get in very provocative positions, ie. kneeling down with legs spread and butt jutting out, and then catch me looking out of the corner of her eye. It all ended one day when at the end and I was upset about something, and I came to her area to clean up and I half-scolded her on a mess she left on the ground. For some reason, I guess she took this was a culminating point to her that I'm not interested. A couple days later, looking sad, she asked if I had a girlfriend and I said no, then she asked if I had kids and again I said no. She didn't show up again for work after that week.

I NEVER SHOWED THIS PERSON ANY INTEREST AT ALL

This situation is starting to play itself out again and it's not like I get some satisfaction from breaking girls hearts, it's got me depressed, some might say I'm just being a baby about it.

Last edited by takemitsu on 03 Jul 2010, 3:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wanna get desperate? Wear a fake wedding ring...

...I can't believe I'm advising people to be deceptive, but that's really got to get annoying.

I had it, but I never considered it a problem.

As many Aspergians as there are on WP complaining that they can't even talk to a girl, you should be thanking your stars to have such a 'problem.'

And you won't have this affliction forever, so I suggest you appreciate it before it fades away with your youth - 'cause it doesn't come back.

Youth truly is wasted on the young.

My problem with this is I don't like to "talk" to most girls. They can never grasp even simple mechanical concepts and as mechanically inclined as I am it's just plain irritating. All me and my friends really talk about is relationship problems and life but I could never do that in a relationship and I wouldn't want my life to be wasted giving free relationship advice all day anyways. As The Joker says, "If you're good at something, never do it for free" and I'm too guilty of this.

Back when I was in shape and in my 20's I went a couple of times to bars with my friends. The two different times I had women aproach me and each time I could not tell if they were trying to ask me out or were screwing with me to make me look bad. So I would get nervous, not make eye contact, then walk away leaving them at the bar or table. Each time the women's friends would talk crap to me for walking away from their friend one women asked me if I thought I was better than her friend another asked if I was gay. My friends were so disapointed in me and how I reacted many of them even said maybe I was gay.

When I was in High School I sometimes sat alone in the cafeteria. The bullies seemed to have themes for my torment one month they would just call me a ret*d, the next month they called me a fa***t exposing themselves to me , and another favorite was to call me George from Of Mice and Men. One of the new kids who was hanging out the jocks would sometimes come up to me after they called me queer and tell me he did not mean it and do not worry about him. One day he came to my lunch table where I sitting by myself he wrote on a napkin saying he was gay and he liked me and asked if I like him. So I wrote on the napkin that I was not gay but I liked him. He tore up the napkin and said if I ever told anyone he would make me look like a liar and he would make my life a living hell. After that he became the main tormentor making my life a living hell from 9th to 10th grade.

When I worked in a resteraunt after I got fat I was always depressed or having meltdowns. I was always stressed out due to the idiots that worked there tormenting me. Even though I had it ruff at work I always did my best to be friendly to the waitress' helping them when I could. the same guys that tormented me sexually harrassed the waitress' and were extremely mean to them. Quite a few times I was so pissed off at the end of the night and was walking home a waitress offered me a ride home so I took the ride. We stopped at her house first when we got into the drive way she offered to be with me but I thought i was being set up by the guys who tormentede me at work so I declined and walked home. Her house was two miles further from my house than the resteraunt causing me to walk 4 miles that night instead of 2.

I think most guys here would give their right hand to have your 'problem'. I don't think I would because the attention which I receive from girl has confirmed that I'm not totally unatractive. I can't see what I do 'right' though, because I never initiate conversations, don't flirt/give compliments and I surely can't be that good looking. Normally I would be sceptic because it's hard to know when a girl is interested and when she's not, but I've had some of them reveal themselves in obvious ways. First I found it hard to believe that someone could actually show interest in me because I have been pretty much ignored by girls most of my life. It's good for my confidence so the attention is not at all unappreciated - plus it's not like girls throw themselves after me. It's easier to have a conversation with girls whom I study with as well, because that means we have something in common. Not because I have to talk about my interests - screw that, but it gives you something to fall back on. From being in a few relationships I did learn something valuable - I don't like intimacy and have no desire for it. I always thought girls cared less for the physical aspect of relationships and more for the emotional and intellectual aspect.
Turns out I might be wrong, and that's how I've failed at every relationship I've ever had. I'd rather have the 'old married couple' experience where love is somewhat involved but there little intimacy and feelings are present but not necessarily expressed.