Love is like a sickness

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I wish I didn't do this so bad, especially with a girl that I don't feel likes me in any way outside of my appearance and social status. I think the feeling on her side is mutual and she's trying to get me really hard but she can't.

All of my energy is getting leached by this. I figured out why she cries whenever we're in large groups: it's because I like to talk about things/ideas/concepts and I don't end up tailoring the conversations towards her like I do when it's one on one. AS personality combined with a person that lives on a mostly emotional plane is not good. I really wanna love her, she's been good to me, but I cannot connect, so what we've got is this weird emotional dependence/attachment thing going on minus an understanding of each other. It sucks, man. Everything has pointed towards dumping her from the onset but I don't have the balls to after hearing about how she went to a mental hospital after attempted suicide a year ago and then hearing things from her about how no guy has ever made her feel the way I do. The come down for her is gonna be really bad.

I've gotten tastes of how she feels around me in groups whenever I'm hanging out with another person that can do the emotional chit chat game and she instantly connects with them, and I'm completely left out. The other day, this happened with some other guy and her. On top of that, she was rubbing the other guy's head (he had that fuzzy thing going on since he just got a haircut) for like 10 minutes while sitting right next to me while I had my hand on her thigh. That felt WEIRD. So instead of mopping about it, I left them alone in the room and started chatting up the hottest girl at the party on the porch, probably in clear sight of her. I got free cigarettes out of it . I come back, and the gf is crying asking me why I even made her my girlfriend.

I gave away all my power in that situation by admitting I was playing jealousy games with her because I thought she was doing the same with me. Honestly, I felt like a scumbag as she claims she was just being friendly with the other guy (a friend of mine). Everything got patched up fast and we were having sex 20 minutes later, but I felt so miserable about it. I've been feeling like crap about that whole incident since Saturday night.

Edit: Yes, I realize that I put 'love' in the title and that what I'm experiencing here is probably not love.

Umm, yes that sounds quite the unpleasant situation.

Playing games with people's feelings isn't nice. I think that the bad feelings you are experiencing now are there to make you learn your lesson; don't do it again! I hope you let her know how you were feeling about the chap with the hair.

It does sound a lot like she may have dependency issues or something, if she can't go 10 minutes without yours or somebody's attention. Is she in therapy? She could perhaps benefit from it. She may have been talking to that lad to get the attention she feels she needs. I don't know.

I guess you are not sure whether you love her, or whether you love her enough to work through the difficulties.

Staying with someone simply because you fear for their mental state should you part is not the best basis for a relationship. I don't know what to say to that, maybe be there for her if you do decide to split, be responsible and see it through, I guess. Would you still be her friend?

Well, anyway, there's more questions than answers there, but I hope some of it helped. May you both find happiness.

Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you at the moment.

Chatting up any girl whilst you have a girlfriend is not on. If you had a problem with your girlfriend 'flirting' (if she was. Sometimes touchy-feely people don't realise that's what they're doing), you should have said something after the party. You were right to be upset, but mind games like that are waay below the belt.

The fact that she stuck with you after you pulled that one suggests to me that she has low self esteem issues. That may explain why you're both still in this co dependency thing. You seem to feel you could do better yet are stuck with her, and she can probably pick up on that, but still thinks you're the best she can get...

Since you're capeable of chatting up the 'hottest girl' at the party, why not call it a day and break things off? She will be hurt, but people get over things eventually and you can't let her past trap you in a relationship you don't want to be in. It will be better for her too, as she can go find someone who genuinely wants to be with her.

I am constantly amused by hard headed aspies and auties that take for granted scientific study and research on any other aspect of their lives, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, totally fall victim to some nebulous interaction of hormones and neurons and try to sort it all out without a handbook of what is happening to them. Do a bit of research on what is going on with you, OP.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

As soon as I started having a normal conversation (not flirting, talking about school stuff) with that girl as she was seated across the room, my gf jumped on her lap and started distracting her from talking to me (gf is bisexual). Then, the friend whose head she rubbed made some joking comment about how my gf is a pimp and how I wouldn't stand a chance against the girl my gf was talking to. What a BIZARRE situation. She knows I have feelings for her, but yes, they are almost definitely limerance based feelings, unfortunately.

I definitely told her how I felt about her rubbing my friend's head for 10 minutes, but she claimed it was all friendly and that my friend is a total downgrade from me. So, now I've got the lower hand because it shows I'm jealous just like she is. We like each other a lot, it's obvious now. Is it healthy, though? Hell no. We're hurting each other's feelings left and right simply because of the way we are.

I know what I need to do, but it will kill me to see this girl having sex with all of my friends and see her in every social function I go to once we breakup. I don't want that. After her, I'm not going to have sex with girls out of my group of friends within a day of meeting them.

And people wonder why i try to avoid relationships (course its been nearly 10 years since my last face-face date, and 2 since an online stint). Other than try to get more communication going, i dont know what to tell you. Does she know you may not handle your emotions well due to possible AS?

She's gone on a few dates with a guy with more pronounced Asperger's before and doesn't believe I have asperger's. Ironically, the very reason she gets so upset when I'm around large groups is because I like to get conversations going about things/concepts/ideas (i.e. you may require some kind of background knowledge [not necessarily anything technical]) and not chatter for the sake of chattering, which is the kind of conversation she can do. Anybody that knows about Asperger's knows that people with Asperger's like to talk in a manner that is sort of abstract and generally about something, not chatting for the sake of chatting. I can't banter with people very well.

She probably wants a guy that can banter and talk about emotions. That kind of conversational chemistry makes no sense to me and feels really uncomfortable.

OP, is this the girl you posted about previously that is bi-polar? The one who was claiming she was in love with you after knowing/sleeping with you for a very short period of time?

It sounds like you've resolved to stop playing childish games like the one you played with her - good for you. However, I think you need to accept that you're not experienced enough to handle a relationship with this girl. (Even someone who is very experienced would have a huge challenge with her.) The reality is that mental illness is not a trivial relationship issue - and you're in over your head.

Staying with her because you don't want to watch her have sex with your friends? What the hell kind of friends do you have? You all just bang around with each other's exes? That's messed up, dude. This might be an opportunity for you to assess you social situation in it's entirety - and treat yourself to better friends. Good luck.

Yepp, same girl, Hope. I might have a bunch of terrible friends, it's hard to tell. They all have major crushes on her, it sucks. She's super attractive, model physique etc. They all did that creepy thing where you try to befriend the girl before acting interested instead of being honest from the start. My non-verbals were direct and to the point in the first 10 seconds of talking to her.

Anyways, today was on and I bantered with her really well. That's what she definitely likes, I just can't really kick start it on the drop of a hat. We both had a great time and the sex was good as usual. She's been charming as hell writing me poetry and making me pastries.

I still have such an uneasy feeling about all of this, though. It probably messes up the relationship a bit 'cause I'm so guarded with her.

Sh*t, this one is so god damned charming. It's all limerance, though.

hey! don't sell limerence short! Some of us don't experience real abiding love and limerence is all we have. Personally, I believe it better than nothing. So don't be disappointed at limerence, but revel in it!

one who knows

yeah, it's nice and it isn't at the same time. she just came over and cried about some BS unrelated to me. no sex was had.

she's like a yo-yo, up and down and up and down. boooo.

so, what keeps you yo-yo-ing your relationship with her? Are you thinking that ratio in proportion is in your favor and someday she will have sex with you out of gratitude or sympathy?

it reminds me of someone hanging out with the guy with the swimming pool because sometimes they let you go for a swim.

No, she has sex with me almost every day, often multiple times a day. This is one of the few days we haven't had sex.

I wouldn't say the relationship is a yo-yo, it's her that's a yo-yo. She goes from being super happy and lovely to be around, to this mopey, crying, jealous, and confused baby. Usually, I can manage to shield my own mental state from her depression, but this time I couldn't because I just heard her crying too much about her broken family relationships and poor financial situation. Eventually, it starts to grate on your psyche. You shouldn't hang out with your boyfriend to cry in front of him. That's messed up.

I would have thought it would be more messed up to be in a relationship where you can't cry in front of your partner, or at least, not without being chided for it.

I would be careful about this. You'll need to make a decision, but don't make it in haste, and definitely don't let others know you're even considering it, at least not until all is said and done, if ever.

If it's possible to repair things, then it's definitely worth the consideration, ESPECIALLY if you feel this deeply about her. Talk to a therapist, or some deeply trusted family members about her behavior. Let them know how much you care about her, and see if they can offer some insight that you might not have considered otherwise.

It might also help to identify a diagnosis. It's very possible that this could be relatively easy to get under control, if it's just an issue of not taking medication. (Especially with certain bipolar disorders.)

Just give yourself time to think on this one. I've made the mistake of being too hasty, and it's not a mistake you want to look back on. You've got time to make a decision.