Lost in the fog

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Here's the situation I'm facing. Normally I would go to my good friend A about these sort of things, but later on you'll see why this is not the case here. Hopefully one of you people can help me out here. I apologize for the tl,dr in advance...


My friend B and I have known each other for a couple years now, and are regulars over on another website. After a while of me reaching out and talking to her, we have quite a lot in common. We've had very deep and interesting conversations. I had caught a bit of feelings towards her, and have hinted a few times I would like a relationship. However, she has depression, major self-confidence issues, and I suspect her of also being an Aspie - and she might not even be aware of it. She has hinted a few times that sometime someday she would like to be with me, but isn't sure when.

Once I do get her to talk, she can and has gone on for hours and likes the fact I'm one of the few people that understand her. However, I have a problem with the fact when I talk to her - I'm the one that starts the conversation 99 times out of 100. It's like... can't she reach out more?

I have gone on to a few people about the matter seeking advice, and everyone but friend A says I have no real hope considering she doesn't initiate the conversation ever. This however, is asking NTs who don't know what Aspies are. Friend A meanwhile tells me to keep following my heart, and that if I really care about her - keep going and she will come around.


In breaking news though: A has recently told me that she has feelings for me, but until now had just drowned them out. I had never thought of A as a potential love interest, or not until now. A was aware of that fact, and therefore kept her feelings towards me to herself. She dated a guy from last August, and he broke up with her about six weeks ago. So now it's quite an odd turn of events to have her saying she loves me, it wouldn't take her much to be in love with me, and she is willing to teach me love and the "ways of a woman". (I'm still a virgin, and never have had a serious relationship before. Hence her wording like that.)

I wouldn't be opposed to dating A, except for...
1. Not sure what to make of Friend B
2. I turn 25 in July, A is 42. Not just the age gap: Her oldest son is 18, the other kids are 16/14/12/10. It's all a bit odd to me, though to her it's not so much.

You know, right up until the part where I read that "friend A" is 18 years older than you and has five kids, I would have told you to consider taking up "friend A" on her offer. OP, she's 18 years older than you, has five kids, and believes a 24 year old - with no relationship experience - is a good candidate for a relationship. So let me ask you - do you feel like taking on five kids? Or is that even in the realm of possibility? Are you just planning on letting her "teach you the ways of the woman" and then ski-daddling out of her life? Cause if that's the case, you'd better be very sure you use condoms, cause this woman is clearly quite fertile.

My advice is to continue your pursuit of "friend B" and to try to contain your irritation at her lack of conversation initiation. That seems to be who she is, so if I were you, I'd accept it as part of her personality and continue to shoulder initiation of your conversations with her. (And maybe stop hinting around about having a relationship with "friend B" and try the direct approach.) Good luck.

Having been in a relationship with someone considerably older than myself (albeit different sexes than the ones above), I can say that it's a bit of a different kind of relationship. It can work, if the people make it work. Or it might not. Relationships are a struggle anyways, but if two people really mesh well together, then age isn't a considerable barrier. With my own experience, I found it was unreasonable to expect my ex and I to act like a same-age couple. For one, the older partner may be more prone to have not only partnership feelings towards the younger but also parenting feelings. That's okay and probably should be expected, provided it doesn't become unhealthy and the two are still able to be equals too despite the peer difference.

As for the other potential partner, she sounds like she's got issues too. In either relationship, you may have your work cut out for you, although the issues with the older woman may be easier to work through.

But then in either case, you don't know if you don't try. Whichever woman you're drawn to the most, as far as the more substantial aspects like personality, would be my recommendation. But then you need to make your own decision.

My main concern is not the age difference, which is substantial, but the children involved. What is the goal of the relationship? OP, are you prepared to help raise five kids? Or are you prepared for the consequences if "friend A" gets pregnant? Cause then you'll be tied to those five kids for the rest of your life - they'll be your kid's half-siblings.

Speaking purely about significant age differences, a bond can be formed successfully between partners of significantly different ages. However, you'll typically find that the older partner is much less mature than his/her peers. That usually becomes a problem when the maturity of the younger partner surpasses the maturity of the older partner. In the OP's case, I'd say "friend A" is much less mature than most 42 year olds I know. None of them would consider dating a 24 year old - five kids or not.

Am I prepared to help raise five kids? Not by a long shot. Nor do I want one for myself any time soon. Maybe later on down the line I would be open to it. And in her case, it helps that the kids are older. But for now, I couldn't deal with that. [She also did tell me (while she was dating her ex, who is 28 ) that she did something so she couldn't have more kids, but could always undo that if he wanted one. So there likely wouldn't be #6 by accident.]

What am I looking out of it? Connection. Having someone who wants to be with me both sexually and emotionally. I really do like her a lot, we are close friends and all. But, I can't just have a friends with benefits relationship out of this. There's way too much feeling and emotion involved to have it anything short of a romantic relationship. Which would be great to have something like this develop with such a friend as this, except for the whole kids thing. I hadn't really taken into consideration all her baggage.

Knowing what happened with her last ex boyfriend, she basically kept the kids from having too much contact with him. I don't even think she introduced any of the kids to him, except for the eldest. If anything developed here, I could largely see the same thing happening. I know of the five, but for a long while would really only have contact with the eldest one or two.



Considering that, it would be so much easier to just stick to B. And I really like B too, but I'm having a hard time ever seeing an opportunity of any romantic relationship developing. Simply because she's too depressed/Aspie/uncertain to know what she wants in a lover. If I knew B was willing to open up to me in the way A has offered, I would jump in a heartbeat. Nothing against A, just a lot of circumstances are involved. So how can I get B to open up?

Talk to "friend B" about having a relationship, OP. Look, you've hinted, she's hinted back....she's said some day she might want to be with you - if you want answers, you're going to have to ask the question, ya know? Ask her if she's open to dating you. Tell her about the good qualities you've identified in her over the past year; tell her how much you enjoy her company; tell her she makes you happy; ask her how she feels. If she's clinically depressed, encourage her to see a psychiatrist about her depression....no sense in her wasting a chance at romance to feed an insatiable depression, right? Take a risk - it really is true when they say, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

P.S. "Friend A" seems to like her partners really, really young. That's odd to begin with, but then add in the five kids, and that's really, really odd. Typically, a woman with five children would want to choose a partner who had the potential to be a decent father. Guys in their mid to late 20s are just not that guy. And I wouldn't trust the old, "I've had my tubes tied/Norplant/IUD," statement as birth control, either. Use condoms (unless you want to deal with an unwanted pregnancy and STIs).

So, push B harder then? I probably should have done that all along. I just been afraid of spooking the girl and making her retreat. I didn't want to lose her like that.


As for A: She just likes anything she thinks God is sending her way. I don't hear too much on the first husband, except he was an abusive cheating as*hole that ran off while she was pregnant with #3. The last two kids belong to the second husband, who is 14 years older than her. But she left because he was way too rigid and authoritarian for her. She then went to the ex-boyfriend, the 28 year old, who she honestly believed was her "twin spirit". And in my case, she said she had thought of me enough to "teach me how to love". I'm nowhere near as spiritual or religious as she is, which now that I think of it ... that might be another issue.

As long as you "push harder" gently - which I'm going to say means put the question on the table - yes, that's what I'd do. I'd be careful to explain that you don't want to lose her friendship, but that you're very much interested in dating her.

As far as "friend A" goes....I'm really hoping things work out with "friend B" - cause "friend A" seems like a nice enough, controlling nutcase. That whole "teach you how to love" stuff is just creepy. She'll clearly be the one in control of the relationship, and she seems to lack what we big kids call common sense. Caution, caution, caution.

A recently sent me a text message saying she's ok with whatever I choose to do, and is still my friend regardless.

I replied saying I wanted to work something with B, and could not give up hope in her as long as I still had some there.

A just replied back she's ok with my decision, and will help me if I need it. (Her and B are mutual friends.) EDIT: Something don't feel right to me with her.

No offense but A sounds like a desperate old cougar. All those kids? For gods sake DON'T go there. You'll never get rid of her once you realise it's a stupid idea. I know of nutty old birds who have kids and hone in on dating kids and use the internet a lot, they are NUTS. The worst kind of nuts too, find someone your own age you silly woman.

As for B, well sometimes people don't talk first because they are scared the other person will not be in the mood to talk to them.

I am like this with a man I really love, whenever i talk to him first he seems grumpy so I let him talk when he wants to.

OP as for as girl A goes; I would like to point out that lots of guys in their 40s date girls in their early 20s or late teens even who have kids. If you like her, are OK with her being older than you & having kids; you should go for it. You can not keep waiting around passing up opportunities hoping one day B will decide she wants to be with you then; you need to talk to B & tell her how you feel & if she doesn't want to be with you now; start trying to find someone else if you don't want A

The OP said that her last bf wasn't in the kids lives much & I think he said that he probably would not be in their lives much in the beginning either. My point is that if he was 18 years older than her; he'd be getting very different advice here & I think the age stereotype that the guy can never be younger than the women is appalling. I got the impression from his 1st post that he didn't want to pursue it with A because B said she'd want to be with him at some point & he had feelings for B. He should not be putting relationships on hold for B unless B is is willing to be with him now