its not working between us

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After 2 years with my fiancée I now found out the reason WHY ive been doing all the work and looking after our child, why she’s been neglecting work and responsibilities plus messing behind my back.
Just found out she been depressed all her life even before meeting me.
Now shes getting herself sorted out I will support her but im starting to exhausted as ive been trying to explain but I cant as its not about me.
I don’t know how much more I can tolerate especially ive been trying to get her to understand my Aspergers. Communication is still a main issue and she accuses me of Jekyll and Hide with my Aspergers syndrome.
Why am I still angry as I told her mother in the hope she will see why I am doing to much and feel like cracking up.
I daren’t tell how I feel as I will told off for thinking about myself.

That's horrible.
She should have told you about her possible depression long before that.
Having depression also doesn't make you cheat on people, or ignore your responsibilities...
It can certainly contribute to those things, but it's never the reason why.
Maybe she needs some counselling to figure out what she wants in life. I don't think she should be complaining about your problems if she isn't willing to deal with her own.
I hope she learns to cope better, then you may be able to communicate and work things out.

So you get told off. SO WHAT? You have a RIGHT to think about your well being and if you do not protect that right then you must accept the consequences of letting people walk all over you.

What ISN'T right of you is to expect her to automatically know that you feel as you do, or to think she'll wake up one day and think "Gee, you know I treat my fiancee like crap and make him do all the work. I should put him first for once," because she won't do this if she has no idea how you feel.

Here is a metaphorical situation.

Pretend I have a house with a big yard and nice garden. It's my home and it's very important to me. I have no fence around my house but I have the plot map and know where the property line is.

One day I wake up and find some kids are playing on the far end of my lawn. This is ok with me and I don't say anything. The next day, there's more kids and they are playing soccer and using my lawn as the soccer field. I'm a bit uneasy, I'm afraid they will trample my flowers or break my window accidentally, but I just smile at them and don't say anything. The next day the kids are there again playing soccer, and their parents are sitting at my picnic table watching. The fathers have beer. I don't like people sitting so close to my house and I'm uncomfortable with them out there, but they'll go away soon so I don't say anything, even though I see the kids have trampled my flowers. I just smile and wave and they smile and wave back. The next day the kids are out playing soccer again. The mothers are at the picnic table and the fathers are using my grill. Some of the kids are also in my swimming pool. There's a lot of people and some of them men are drunk and I want them to leave but I'm afraid they'll get mad at me so I smile and wave, and the men smile and wave back. I go in my room and hope they just go away. But actually they stay all night. One of the drunk men has wandered into the hallway looking for the bathroom and has peed in my closet and then passed out on my living room floor. Then some of their teenage sons come in and have a party and trash my house. But still, I don't say anything.

This goes on for a month. And then one day I can't take it anymore and scream for everyone to leave before I call the police. Now everyone acts like I'm being an ass. I get accused of being no fun. I get called lame. Everyone in the neighborhood hates me because I've ruined their social gatherings. The kids egg my car and I get a brick through my one remaining intact window, but everyone is gone and I can finally be alone.

Had I told people to get off my property sooner, or expressed they were not welcome, this situation never would have escalated to the point it did. My garden would perfect, my windows would be intact, my closet wouldn't smell like urine, my windows would be intact, my car wouldn't have egg on it and my neighbors wouldn't hate me. The kids might be a bit annoyed for me telling them to play farther away but kids get told that stuff all the time.

Do you understand? Stand up for yourself because people need you to.

I agree with Chronos up to a point- obviously, if she has depression, it would be heartless to not cut her some slack- but you do need to find a way to deal with conflicting interests. Nobody likes being 'told off' but you need to grin and bear it if you want to push back and get your rights.. and after she's told you off, or got mad, or whatever, then you can either argue it there and then, or calm the situation down and bring the subject up later on.

Don't let yourself get backed into a corner just out of fear of being told off- that's not being nice, just spineless. Yelling back won't help either, so if you really want to ride this and help her, you'll need to find a way to show you're on her side and you didn't mean to upset her. Not sure how you'll do that though- somebody else here may be able to help!

Communication sounds a real problem... if she's depressed she'll probably need a lot of support and comfort... I dunno, you might do all this stuff already, but hugs, surprise gifts, thanking her for any favours/chores she does and asking her questions about herself may help there... again, stuff like this is covered much better elsewhere on the forum (try the search option; sometimes that throws up some stuff).

edit: just thinking back to my 1st (pretty AS-ish) boyfriend, one of the things that left me feeling very lonely and isolated in the relationship was that he would ignore any issues that I brought up. I would talk about it, often quite calmly and as sensibly as I could, and he would say nothing, or immediately change the subject as if I hadn't spoken... that really pissed me off, and I would get angrier and angrier... which made me even more depressed as I am not like that normally. I would rather he had argued back or even just aknowledged that I was upset... I don't know if you're this bad, but it is worthwhile to realise that someone who uses passive aggression can be as draining as someone who shouts non stop.

I daren’t tell how I feel as I will told off for thinking about myself

The next day her mother rang to see how things are. She first says how’s her daughter. I say she fine we haven't talked but both being nice.
I tell her im ok when really im not as im feeling really crap when firstly the mother accuses me of Recensent looking after our child and secondly my partner accuses me of jekyll and hide.

Recensent - I wrote on facebook “stuck in doors again with child while she goes out drinking again with friends” ive never been out for about a year I was really stating a fact about how many times she goes out.

jekyll and hide – after sating to my partner as to why leave the tea bags on the side when the bin is directly underneath. After stating this she then said I scare her. Simple little things that take no effort but help me as there are many more thing to do that have not been done.

When I clearly state the issues to her mother and explain that Aspergers can not be treated and you carnt change me. I asked my partner a number of times to read and understand it. She said why, whys it important. Because we are a team and we help each other out.

Now I am told its not about me so I carnt say I feel crap. As I am now told to support her daughter. But I am more angry now and wondering how long can I go as I have been doing for 2 years.
I asked for help ages ago and ive have stud up for myself but and I have put my foot down but my partner thinks im a farther figure telling her what to do. Her mother now thinks I need to not tell her to tidy up but leave it. So she must think the worst of me and I have done nothing wrong but be loyal to my partner and always done the right but as usual Aspergers has always got the better of me and other people don’t see my disability first and assume I am an ass and a miserable spoil sport.

I think the choice I need to make is on my own and to keep it that way.

So, you felt the need to state it to the world and its brother? That is completely underhand. If you had a problem with her going out, you should have told her. Not all your mutual friends on facebook.


How exactly do you 'state' things? Do you lose your temper at all? I'm honestly asking. A polite request should not provoke fear.


Total cop out I'm afraid. The negative aspects of aspergers can be modified and sometimes people should change. It's called growing up. It is not fair that you are asking your partner to change herself and yet you claim to be exempt. She is the one with the illness.



Look, I know you're trying to look after your daughter, and you may think you're doing nothing wrong, but your girlfriend's mother has a point. You're not being loyal. Loyalty is more than just not cheating, it's also about not plastering relationship problems or issues on the internet for your friends to read. You humiliated your girlfriend by making that comment on facebook.

Yes, she probably shouldn't leave you babysitting all the time (if that's what she does) but that's the time when you need to calmly broach the subject with her alone. Also, if she's having a miserable time most days, then you should be happy when she does go out with friends; they may be helping her cope.

i have spoken to her about this and she is awrae, she did not spoke to me how she was misrable until this weekend when everything came out.

If she's messing around you need to tell her to hit the road. Try to do what you can to get sole custody.