compatibility

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How important is compatibility in relationships? Because I'm finding it increasingly hard to find myself compatible with anyone. Just today, my ex basically said that she had broken off our relationship because we "weren't compatible". But that doesn't make any sense to me, because she's the most compatible woman I have ever found. She's a bit of a hermit like me, opting to stay inside more often than not (and only venturing out into places like our church, where it's safe), she enjoys singing and acting like I do, and has a strong devotion to her family, as I do to mine. Honestly the only way I could think she could be any more compatible would be if she was a gamer girl (and I'm still not convinced that gamer girls actually exist)... So what am I missing? Am I just too weird to have a partner? Or is there something deeper preventing me from being compatible with people I would otherwise work well with?

2 points:

a.) "Compatibility" and fundamental similarity in interests, personality, etc. are not necessarily related. I've never dated anyone who was very similar to me in general (in fact, I'm not sure I'd even want to date someone like me ), the compatibility came from the contrasts working together.

b.) If someone says you "just aren't compatible" it is sometimes a cop-out used to let you down easy and avoid issues that are more difficult to talk about.

Maybe she found a dealbreaker that she refuses to discuss with you or even tell you about.

Compatibility is very important but it isn't the same thing as similarity of interests/personality.

Compatibility means how well your two personalities mesh with each other. Sometimes people who are very similar will also be compatible ("birds of a feather flock together") and sometimes people who are very different will nonetheless be compatible ("opposites attract"). There is no way to predict compatibility. The only way to find out if two people are compatible is for them to spend time together- which is the whole point of dating.

The ability to enjoy being in each others' presence is the first part. I assume this is what you are consciously or unconsciously trying to figure out when you want to be friends first. If you don't like being around somebody, you are obviously incompatible.

But from a romantic standpoint, there is another deeper layer of compatibility which friendship doesn't show you. This is how well your unconscious desires mesh with the other person's unconscious desires. That's something you only find out from dating, or more often from actually being a couple. This is how you can be compatible as friends but not as boyfriend/girlfriend. Since these desires are unconscious- or at least subconscious- they are very hard for either party to put into words. Thus your ex may have worked quite well as a friend but her unconscious desires didn't mesh with yours. Since she's so young, she probably wouldn't even understand what I mean by this. The most she can say is the rather vague, "not compatible". That's the most that people often say- not because they are witholding information but rather because the incompatibility was at the level of unconscious desires/needs and therefore not available for the conscious mind to put into words.

It depends on how she defines compatibility. I've met a few women who I seemed very compatible with & they had very little to know interest in me as more than a friend. I think the one way people need to be compatible is the desire to both be with each other & try to make things work out.

Is there any way to figure that out in a way that doesn't involve excessive amounts of trial and error? Because for me it seems to be less trial and more error...

Sorry. Trial and error really is the only way. Dating sites imply that there is an algorithm and they've got it. But there really isn't. Dating sites merely give you more chances to practice by trial and error.

You've had one girlfriend and you think it's all over because it didn't work out. But what happened with you and her is normal. That's what trial and error means. In cultures without arranged marriage (where the happiness of the married couple is considered irrelevent), there are many, many trials before you find The One. You had a girlfriend it didn't work out. You learn from that. And please don't say that what you learned was that you are unloveable forever. That proved no such thing. Most people don't marry the first person they ever date. The inevitable lesson, even if it seems unimportant to you now, is how to conduct yourself on a date. You were with her for a bit. You must have gone places together. Those experiences do count. The next time you are on a date (there will be a next time) it won't be such uncharted territory.

As others have already said, compatibility does not always come about because you like the same things and are like the person.

Also I wouldn't take what she said too seriously as it's an excuse people use. A lot of the time people never find out the real reason, as frustrating and annoying as that is, people have hung me up to dry recently.

I agree. For instance, I'm pretty introverted and I do well with extroverts. This way both of you aren't blabbing all the time and at things like parties/going out places the extrovert can help you out a bit. It's like saying 'opposites attract.' Even if you like someone with similar interests, she just might prefer someone totally different than her.



Exactly. I said this in response to another post of your's, Toad (I think). People often just say stereotypical things like "we aren't compatible" or "I just didn't feel it" to end a relationship. Usually when they're ending it for a reason that makes them sound shallow and they are embarrassed to say it.

Compatibility is a cruel joke. It's like taking half the pieces in a puzzle and calling them yourself, then you go looking for someone who is a lot like you and only half the pieces fit. You go look for someone who isn't like you and you meet someone and again half the pieces fit. You randomly find a girl and a quarter of the pieces fit.