why does he try to make me so jealous?

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in the words of john mayer, he's 'like a maze whose walls continuously change'...

seriously though, i can't figure out what my roommate/cuddle buddy wants from me.
he seems to want to spend every minute of his waking life around me but he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship. living together was his idea, and now we're renting a small house together. when we first met he told me he'd just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and he needs to work on himself/figure out what he wants in life before he could think about having another girlfriend. i know that these are most likely lies to cover up his disinterest in me romantically... but on the other hand i've found myself pushing away perfectly desirable men because i was too terrified by the idea of being rejected several weeks later, as most of my relationships don't survive past the 3-month marker.
we do have sex occasionally. i'm ok with the fact that he's non-commital because he isn't exactly someone i'd imagine having kids with. however, right now, i want to keep him around as long as possible and i DO have feelings for him. i DO get jealous and frustrated when he talks about other girls being hot. actually, he KNOWS how much it bothers me and i think he does it on purpose. like we'll go to the grocery store and point out girls he thinks are very pretty by saying "there's my girlfriend" or "my WIFE just walked into the store. i'll show you when i see her"
i remember a few months ago we went shopping one evening at this upscale health food store where all the wealthy, pretty women in town seem to hang out. he would NOT stop with the "she's so cute. i wonder what she'd think if i said hi to her" stuff and it eventually brought me to tears. he knows what he's doing when he says this stuff.
what i'm wondering is, if he's trying to make me jealous... what is he trying to accomplish?

First off, be sure with yourself that he isn't using you. He might not care that it hurts you because to him, he thinks with his genitalia while you are thinking with your brain. Don't think he is on the same page with you. He might, but he has a weird way of showing it. He might be a good friend, bit it doesn't sound like he can give you anything else. Be leery about his intentions. I love to ignore the signs telling me about mens' intentions and it never ends up good.

There are men who believe that as long as they're honest about how they feel about a woman they're playing mate with, then anything they do is OK.

This is particularly brutal. He is reminding you in this brutal manner that he is not committed to you.


He's already getting what he wants from you, free of any commitment or acceptable behavior on his part.


He may or may not be trying to make you jealous, but what's the difference? He is being as brutally honest as possible in order to prop up his his belief that all his bad behavior is OK because he is being honest about his intentions.

I'm sorry, there's no maze here. He's a clingy, brutal, cuddle buddy. It is what it is. You can't separate the brutality from this cuddle buddy and just keep the good part. It's a package deal.

Apparently he does this because it works.

I'm judging by the need to quote a hack musician who is also closet gay (see his remarks about black women being unattractive -- decidedly non-hetero comment if there ever was one) that you're not particularly old or wise in these matters.

I only say this because, well, it's pretty all pretty obvious. Ah, the young folk . . . so fresh and ready for brutalization.

I don't think he is doing anything wrong. I have had plenty of friends....male and female...say those kinds of things. It just seems worse to YOU because you have become sexually involved with him(which is a huge no-no in roommate situations). I mean didn't both of you discuss this whole relationship thing and draw the line as to where each of you stood with one another? The only problem I see (and sorry if this seems harsh) is that you need to get other men in your life.

i'd say hes either using you and isnt interested, or trying to make you jealous so maybe you'll be in a relationship with him. if you've already pushed the issue (like asked HIM out), and had him turn you down, i wouldnt put any of my 'eggs' in his 'basket'. dont cuddle with him, dont talk to him romantically, and certainly never sleep with him either.

i mean.. you already said you dont want to have kids with him. does that mean you dont want to eventually marry him, either?

sounds like you are wasting a lot of time / effort / money to be with 1 undesireable person. theres plenty more fish in the sea. some of which might actually be noticeably attracted to you. someone you might also actually want to have kids and a meaningful relationship with.

dont 'settle' for someone who acts like this if he isnt actually interested in being with you. its a waste.

tbh i'd move out. i wouldnt put myself around him because hes draining you.

From what you've said, it looks like he doesn't want a relationship with you, but he's happy to have sex with you from time to time.

He knows what he does hurts you. So even if he changed his mind and decided he did want a relationship with you, why would you want to be with someone who has willingly hurt a friend?

You shouldn't waste your affection on someone who can not return it. His actions may also be his subtle way of saying your just a f**k buddy and nothing more.

I agree!

What these two said... ^^

In my experience, women who give their all to men like that, will only end up hurt and disillusioned. I had a friend who was desperate to be in a relationship. She started flirting with her doctor. He flirted back. She invited herself over to his house, and they had sex. She regularly showed up at his house on a weekly basis. He was otherwise unavailable. She mentioned that he had said something about being divorced, but she never bothered to find out what the deal was. Then she started complaining to me about how this guy never returned her phone calls or emails, never took her out to eat, or spent any time without her besides their weekly bedroom arrangement. I was amazed. I told her that since she had done all the work in the relationship, had basically delivered the sex to his door every week, why would he feel that he had to make any effort at all? Men are funny like that.

One day he got in an accident on his motorbike. When my friend went to visit him, his wife was there in the hospital room. The "relationship" was now over. She was devastated and hurt, but it couldn't have ended any other way. He was never committed to her.

everyone says that sex within and only within commited, serious relationships is socially acceptable... and in any other kind of setup, the man is "using" the woman.
i think people make these assumptions as a way of judging a woman for giving up the goods too soon. in our society there is this notion that sex is harmful to women and it should only be given as a great sacrifice to a man for devotion and romance.

i'm more modern. i don't see how this friendship we have would be harmful if he would just stop trying to make me jealous. it is clear that he's doing this on purpose... i just wish i knew why.

I don't recall saying the arrangement is a bad one. Just that the specific man you have it with is behaving in a manner that should concern you.

Personally, I stay away from cuddly f**k buddy relationships because the lines are blurred and it's too easy to fall for them or for them to fall for you. At least, that's been my experience.

most people were not judging you for what kind of relationship you have chosen, but they were trying to explain why he is not treating you well. i respect people who have FWB situations, and in fact i have been in that situation before, myself. the problem is that the man you are with doesn't even treat you well as a friend. i wouldn't call someone a friend if they intentionally hurt my feelings over and over.

one other aspect to consider is that you really don't have any reason to care if he finds other women attractive. you're not in a serious committed relationship so it should not matter... since it DOES matter, you basically need to "piss or get off the pot" - demand more or get out of that environment. if you want him to treat you like a girlfriend, then become his girlfriend.

you asked for reasons why your roommate was treating you like that, and people told you - he doesn't *need* to treat you any better, so he doesn't. lots of men could treat you like gold even in a FWB situation, but this man has proven he will not. and the nature of your non-relationship puts you in a position where you can't even expect better treatment.

Maybe he is worried that if he starts treating her like gold, she will take it as him wanting something where he doesn't. I tend to try and do nice things in a FWB relationship, but I am always concerned that it will be taken as wanting something more when there isn't anything there.

So he can make you think more about him, this thread is a live proof that he succeeded.