Is this typical of Asperger's?

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I recently turned to online dating after my long term relationship came to an end. There is this expat guy who has been living in my country for a while and who has been messaging me. Those conversations were always intense in the sense that he frequently switched topics or mentioned something randomly which had nothing to do with the topic we were talking about. Nevertheless, I started to feel comfortable about him so when he asked me out - it took him a month - I agreed.

The first date was fun. Although he is an inch shorter than me, I didn't mind at first. However, what stood out to me was that he was playing footsie with me at times. I couldn't tell whether he did that on purpose or not. He was nice and seemed funny. I had a great time. He asked for a second date and I agreed. He asked about next Saturday which was fine with me. He texted me once he got home that night and told me he had a good time.

However, as "next Saturday" approached, he had suddenly made other plans. Since I was busy myself, I didn't really mind. He texted me almost every day since that date so it wasn't like he suddenly disappeared. He set up a second date a couple of days later. I agreed.

This second date was VERY awkward. It already started when I walked over to where he was waiting for me. He was shaking his head, walking around back and forth,... It looked weird from a distance, and I almost regretted meeting him again. Anyway, he seemed to calm down once I got there. We walked to a bar for drinks which was fine. He paid for the first round, but then he said I had to pay for the second. I didn't think that was very chivalrous or nice but agreed nonetheless.

The conversation was more awkward than the first time. There were a couple of silences. He told me a couple of times that he didn't know what to say. He also got upset with me a couple of times for being sarcastic. I'm a very sarcastic person, and he didn't seem to understand that I didn't mean what I said. I tried to explain that to him but I don't think he understood. He played footsie again at one point. That was weird to me. As for the hyperfocus people always talk about, he certainly has a couple of interests but he doesn't talk about them in detail. He also refuses to tell me about the history of his home country. I don't understand why. He would say that it would turn into a history lesson for me. I don't mind though but he just wouldn't tell me.

Another thing that was strange was the fact that he didn't compliment me. I looked pretty both times but he just didn't mention anything. Not even the second time. At the end of the date, he wanted to say bye and leave. I asked him if that's it - as in just leaving without a hug or anything. He said he didn't know what to say. I gave him a hug and he ran away.

I thought I would never hear from him again. 30 minutes later, I received a text from him with a picture of him saying "because you like this" and then another text saying he hoped I got home ok. No mention of whether he had a good time or not. I texted him back in a nice way.

Which brings me to the conclusion of this story; is there a possibility this guy might have Asperger's? I surely don't consider this behavior "normal", and I have never met a guy that didn't want physical contact with me (i.e. an innocent hug).

Plenty of non-autistics are awkward/odd. He may be on the spectrum, he may not. I can't see how it would matter. Either you have feelings for him or you don't. If you're already picking up on things you don't like or that could be redflags, then it's best to walk away now.

This is why I generally think it's better to meet in person sooner and not waste too much time talking online. You won't know if you're compatible until you meet in person so chatting online for an extended period can turn out to be a waste of time.

^ Agreed. There's so much that contributes to compatibility between two people, and most of that isn't going to come through on text. I'm sure that I imagine the people I converse with online as being very different than they are in real life.

I can remember earlier in my life (and not knowing then that I was autistic), behaving similarly to the guy in question - but I don't think we know enough about him to be certain that he is autistic (or any other specific condition). And please do remember, even if he does have a clinical condition, he may not know this himself, or it might be a secret he will share only in his own time. Don't be tempted to try and "fix" him if he seems happy as he is - at least not unless/until you get know each other a lot better.

He does sound like someone who is having a very hard time working out what is appropriate. Those of us who are introverted can be extremely cautious about showing affection. It's not that we don't want to show our interest, but it's a situation where we can lack the social insight to know where the boundaries are between friendliness, flirting and straying too far. I pace a lot when I'm anxious, and boy, do dates ever make me anxious. But he had already met you before, which suggests that he was fretting because he likes you, but is afraid that he isn't "good enough" for you.

The way you describe his reluctance to talk about his interests, makes me suspect that his explanation is genuine. Some of us get embarrassed to talk about our special interests because we've been mocked for them in the past - especially if the interest is considered 'unusual'. He may just be worried because he doesn't want to feel like he's boring you if he talks to much - and he's overcompensating by saying too little. When he doesn't know what to say, again his explanation could be perfectly true - or he might have plenty to say, but is too caught up in trying to decide how you're going to react that he can't get the words out.

The thing about the money took me along time to understand - if I'm unsure what would be polite, my default response to divide the cost up equally; to my mind, that seems "fair" - but from the other side, not very romantic!

Making sure you got home OK, I would interpret as a very sweet gesture. Us shy guys quite often fall back on an old-fashioned "gentlemanly" way to treat a woman, because it shows our respect without being too emotional. He may show more affection with time if you're clear with him what you consider acceptable or not, so that he is not distracted by anxiety - but this isn't guaranteed whatever the reason for his behaviour.

None of this means that this guy is right (or not) for you - and if you do want to keep seeing him, you should be as careful dating him as you would be dating anyone else. Some people find these traits endearing, others find them impossible to live with - only you can decide that.

Just thought you might like a peek into how the other side sometimes sees it - best wishes.

You're welcome.

He could be fretting, or if he's like me, he could just be lost in a special interest, a bit nervous of seeming pushy, or just very busy. Whether he is autistic or not, he certainly sounds very much an introvert. Introverts don't necessarily dislike people - we can be as loving and loyal as anyone else might. It's just that we find being around people much more tiring than other people do, so we often need a bit of a break to recharge our batteries after all that fretting!

Whatever you decide, you have shown this guy a lot of respect just by your willingness to try and see things from his point of view.

I think he should contact me first. Not sure if he will though.