Single Aspie Men: Find Your Passion.

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I can't speak for all Aspie men, but when I read the "I want a girlfriend more than anything" posts on here, the depression and lack of self-esteem is obvious, and that's the core problem.

The reason for the depression and lack of self-esteem is a lack of meaning, focus...a passion to live your life for.

A girlfriend or wife will never be this passion...she's only someone to share the happiness with. No woman, no matter how great of a person, is going to make a sad man happy.

Unfortunately, video games, anime, a tv show you like, your stamp collection, etc., are not a passion.

A passion is something you couldn't live without, and not out of obsession, but because like a family member, it means that much to you and how you define yourself as a person.

For me, it's music...not only listening to it, but playing it. I didn't have a piano to play for a few years, and bought one in late February, early March. On top of joining a band right around that time...both the band, and having an instrument to play...something that I'm talented at and could potentially benefit other people (by them hearing me play) catapulted my confidence and self-esteem and a feeling of meaning in life.

Because of this, I'm at a point where a girlfriend is a low priority. If a cute, compatible woman wants to come along for the ride, fine, but I don't need her to be happy.

As Aspie men, a lot of us are introverts and have introverted interests. I'm not saying abandon those interests, but I'm saying don't spend your life playing RPGs or looking at hentai and find something that will benefit yourself in ways you could never imagine.

I have a friend who is not an aspie, but literally has no interets. I mean, at least none that I can think of. She is very insecure and probably depressed, and definitely codependent. We talk about this (the what's in the OP) all the time, how she shouldn't live for someone else but for herself and should find something she loves.

I've felt like a man's sole/major interest in his life, and it's a uncomfortable place to be in (for me at least). It puts a lot of pressure on you. I can say that a guy who not just has a 'life of his own' but also has something he genuinely cares about other than his relationship is very attractive. A passionate person is attractive to most people, I would assume.

I see where the OP is coming from, although I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss anime, RPGs, etc. It's quite possible that such things could be a true passion for some. Personally, I love both, but I don't think of them as a passion, just a hobby. I've been into video games since I was 8 and I got my Mega Drive.

However, over the last 8 years or so, I have pretty much been a recluse, and I've not gotten out much. I've lived through my computer, and the days have melded into each other (luckily I somehow managed to get my degree all the same). In retrospect, I think I was pretty depressed throughout my teenage years. I've always mainly had introverted interests, but I've also been interested in the more extreme or unusual outdoor sports, like Skydiving, Surfing, Sailing, Skiing, Scuba diving, etc. I'm going to try to get back into those pastimes. I want to finally get my skydiving license, and I want to learn to sail larger boats than the one-man dinghies. I want to go skiing again, and all that stuff. Unfortunately it's all rather expensive, so I need a job first... that's my priority at the moment.

I also want to learn get a Private Pilot's License someday...

What happens if your family is your passion?

I think the common misconception is that a woman herself will bring happiness in a guy's life. Even if she reciprocated, what you're looking at with a lot of the guys here is a co-dependent relationship, which is completely unhealthy. I'm speaking from experience. My ex, without her even wanting to, in the brief time we knew each other, controlled me. Imagine if she had been malicious and took advantage of it. It was hard enough being fixated on her as it was. And that's the thing...some women will take advantage of guys like the ones on this board.

I know "Don't worry about having a girlfriend" isn't what they think they want to hear, but it's the truth. You have to be happy with yourself and your life first.

I used to think "It's not fair, women can have low self-esteem and be depressed and have whatever boyfriend they want, and a guy can't." But those women often find themselves in emotionally and physically abusive relationships or with men that take advantage of their weaknesses.

It's kind of like someone saying "I want to drive a BMW" and they don't even have a license yet.

I have to disagree. I have plenty of passions and many different hobbies. I am also a volunteer instructor at the Center.
I am also the best at what I do (computer consultant). I don't have a problem with self esteem. I like who and what I am. However, I don't like the way I'm treated by many. I don't like being seen as handicapped or ignored. I think this is the main problem with me getting a girlfriend.

Yes, but you aren't happy with yourself (meaning you haven't come to terms with the fact that you're handicapped.) In other words, if you were more indifferent about your "drawbacks" you wouldn't need to feel validated by a woman.

Last edited by foreveryoung on 21 Jul 2010, 4:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You have to build a life you love separate from women. Women don't pay the bills. Your passion can though.

Being unhappy with myself is not the same as being unhappy with y circumstances. I am happy with myself. I am not happy with my circumstances. Have you ever consider that I may enjoy interacting closely with a female companion? Sorry, this sounds like the same ole NT psychobabble I have heard all my life. I accept the fact that I'm destined to remain single my life. It doesn't mean I like it, but I accept it. Meanwhile, I will go on an enjoy the rest of my life as much as I am allowed.

What you are saying is much like a very talented med school student not being able to finish her education simply due to the lack of funds. It isn't that she is unhappy with herself. It is that she is unhappy in the situation which she finds herself. She may or may not have self esteem issues, but she does have financial issues. I wish sometimes I were NT for much the same reason why she may wish to be wealthy enough to finish her education. It is not that I am unhappy being me but rather that I had the social currency to be accepted.

Last edited by cyberscan on 21 Jul 2010, 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You have to build a life you love separate from women. Women don't pay the bills. Your passion can though.

I have. I accept the fact that I'm perpetually single. I pay my bills and have fun otherwise.

"Because of this, I'm at a point where a girlfriend is a low priority. If a cute, compatible woman wants to come along for the ride, fine, but I don't need her to be happy. "

Amen

Having said that My greatest passion is......

Surviving from one day to the next.

I have many interests most born out of nessecity sewing, cooking, scavenging through the town dumps and what renters leave behind. and above all the skills required to stay alive in an economicly depressed region of the world.

A passion like this doesn't reduce the libido. Good luck focusing on your passion with all the hormones urging you to seek out a sex partner.

I agree with the OP. Ultimately a passion should be something where you GIVE, often in form of creating.

When you play RPGs, watch anime, movies, it's all fine and dandy, but the people who MADE them, THAT was their passion. You're just consuming the fruits of it.

Now, if you channel those experiences and mix them up to create an RPG/anime/movie/whatever of your own, THAT is a passion.

You'll still want sex, of course, but not as much. I went from both sex and relationships both being a 10 in importance on the 10 scale to a girlfriend being about a 3 and sex being maybe an 8.

Funny, I would have counted this as a passion for a lot of people. Depends what you get out of it I guess.

To be honest, I don't get this 'one or the other' mentality. It's possible to care deeply about another person and have hobbies at the same time. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about a person, or even nothing at all and just being a jack of all trades.

People who focus too much on their hobbies aren't seen as good relationship material either. They simply do not appear to have room for anyone else in their life. If a woman is looking for a partner, she doesn't want someone who doesn't mind her 'tagging along' whilst he does his thing, she wants someone to invite her and want her there.

Don't get me wrong, many younger women may go for that, for a while, especially if you're in a band or an artist etc. (i.e. cool and interesting and a 'challenge') but long term I don't think the tactic will work very well. Just my 2 cents.

Last edited by Lene on 21 Jul 2010, 7:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.