Aspie Male and Relationship Issues

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I am a male Aspie in my late 30's and I was in a long distance relationship with a female Aspie in the United States. I live in Australia and she lives in the north of America and despite meeting up on a social utility, we did meet and had a lot of chemistry and also became engaged. Upon my return to Australia, immigration made it difficult because I was unable to live in the USA due to having a lack of employment credentials and the inability to find support to make such a move. To cut a long story short, she has moved on and entered another relationship but I feel confused, and frustrated in terms of entering another relationship. I tried to transition the relationship to a friendship and the person concerned has tried to contact me but the former relationship is never going to go anywhere and transitioning to a friendship is difficult. I feel that despite all the possibilities of entering another relationship that things are going to be difficult for me. I am unconventional and furthermore I find it hard to relate to women in terms of knowing what is involved in a relationship. I find it hard to sell myself in the attractiveness stakes because I don't know what I am supposed to say or how to relate to a person of the opposite sex. I am trying to keep busy and do more things but I feel if I commit my primary focus to finding someone, then I am going to be severely disappointed. I see other Aspies entering relationships but I feel the door to entering another relationship is closing on me and I don't really know how to cope at times. I am not sure if I even want a relationship at all or whether or not I can actually handle one. I find the neuro typical world hard to navigate and I do a lot of advocacy (unpaid) work in my spare time. I find I have issues with keeping friends and understanding why people are somewhat coy around me but I am getting counseling at "Minds and Hearts" in Brisbane where I live. I have helped to form an Asperger Group at the University and I sit on the Disability Sub Committee at the University but the necessary services for adults with Asperger Syndrome seem a long way off. I am contact with other adults but trying to build an Aspie community in Brisbane is difficult and finding a relationship seems impossible. Am I going to spend the rest of my life confused about relationships and being surrounded by the socialisation process which seems to portray single men as dysfunctional or odd? What hope is there for some men with Asperger Syndrome who don't score at all in the relationship stakes? Is society's attitude going to change to accommodate the needs and requirements for men with Asperger Syndrome? It is so difficult for being an Aspie guy a lot of expectation is placed on you to make moves, make decisions and be confident when you struggle in such areas. I really wonder where I will be in the future or whether I will remain single for the rest of my life. I just find the pressures and the socialisation process around me very overwhelming and hard to deal with at times!

I have no way of knowing. I only have evidence from the viewpoint of one of the two comparative groups.

It's usually harder for men in general, not just aspie men.

yes but I think men with AS have it harder as they are often unable to read the social queues and know what is expected of them as well as having anxiety, low self esteem and living below the regular quality of life

It's a total pain in the ass. But the reward is simply not worth it. I can get exactly what I want by doing my job well, and knowing enough social cues to get by.

I. Feel sorry for those NTs stuck in boring relationships that they plunk more money into than they will ever get out.

I think it's harder for Aspie men than Aspie women because the social roles for men are different than women. Women can deviate for the social norms & it's called gender equality but when a man does not conform to the social norm cuz of AS or other issues; he has more problems.

I just live my life and either I meet someone or I don't

Offhand, I'd say it is far harder for Aspie men. Aspie women can often come off as cute even with their eccentricities. Us Aspie men might be perceived by most any woman (even an Aspie one) as ugly or a creep.

Plus, there is more to be expected of a male in a relationship -- most girls want us to be able to drive and/or work a job before they would consider us attractive -- and not every Aspie guy is able to meet those expectations.

Tim (aka the Slipperman)

Unfortunately the fact that we have one gender and pretty much have to stick with it (ok, not everyone but 99% of us) makes this poll pretty much impossible to answer objectively. Can't we just agree that it's hard for both of us? Why the contest?

Plus, there is more to be expected of a male in a relationship -- most girls want us to be able to drive and/or work a job before they would consider us attractive -- and not every Aspie guy is able to meet those expectations. Confused

Slipperman Exactly!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

Thanks, at least someone else here is logical.

I've never been a woman and I have no plans to have a sex change and start chasing men just so that I can gain perspective, so I can not in good conscience give a definitive answer.

Not to mention that not all women and men are alike. It will be far different for some rather than others depending on looks, personality, wealth, sexual orientation, etc. So I can't give a serious definitive answer as to which sex it is easier for.

So I will answer it, but not seriously.

I think it's probably harder for women because they are generally physically smaller and weaker and therefore have a harder time of beating the crap out of a guy if there are problems in their relationship, not to mention that because men have a lower body water percentage and a chemically different liver it is generally harder for a woman to get them drunk because men have a higher alcohol tolerance.

But as I said, not all men and women are the same. An Irish version of Xena the warrior princess who happens to be dating a half and half clone of Adrian Monk and Rick Moranis would probably be able to get the man drunk and beat him up.

It is harder for men because AS tends to hinder the traits that make men attractive to women. Also the "Four Sirens of the Sexual Appcalypse" gives women a much wider selection of men. The ability to provide a stable home and financial security (not talking ostentatious wealth) is simply not attractive to westernized women.

I don't really have that capacity to generate the
Emotional rollercoaster that women crave and knowing that the relationship is going to be a nonstop series of "tests" makes me wonder why I would subject myself to that just for sex at unpredictable time intervals.

I would much rather gt sex and affection on my own terms as opposed to someone else's.

Relationships are something that need greater exploration and understanding. I think being a man with AS is certainly difficult and I think it is easier for women with AS to enter a relationship whereas for a man with AS, there may be many problems, difficulties and challenges.

I don't think either one has it harder than the other, but I voted that men don't have it harder just to see the results.

Coming from an aspie female...I hate the 'I have it harder than you' attitude. Ugh.

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