Modern Western sexuality

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Do you of you know people who have "f*ckbuddies"? Friends they shag? Not lovers, not boyfriends or girlfriends, not people they love; just f*ckbuddies. This seems to be very common these days. People have friends they shag. No emotional attachment, no meaning, no responsibility. Just a quick sexual fix whenever it's needed, or just for s**ts and giggles. They reduce something which can be a fantastic experience to nothing more than a mutual back-scratch. Why would anyone ever want to become a lover of such a person? Why take on the emotional weight and responsibilities? Why not just have them as a regular friend and get free sex too? Heck, is there any difference at all between such a person's friend and their supposed lover/boyfriend/girlfriend? What does a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend get that a f*ckbuddy doesn't?

What about the internet? Kids (I mean barely into puberty) dressing like hookers and showing off as much skin as possible just to get some extra internet friends or some extra points in some meaningless contest. I would guess everyone has seen enough user profile pages on websites to know what I'm talking about. The girls try to pretend they're women (that whole dressing like hookers thing), and the guys try to pretend they're in a gay pride parade (pants half-way down and crap like that). I'm not particularly against homosexuality, just saying that there are common behaviours for various groups.

What about dating in general? I know people who go out with a person for a while, shag, do whatever, then break up, meet a new person, start over again, break up, et cetera, ad infinitum... And they seem to think that such behaviour is normal, and that going a month without shagging some such nigh-stranger is abnormal. Almost like having a casual sexual partner is a simply accessory to the modern lifestyle, something to have all the time along with a purse, new shoes, and watching Survivor.

Now, I'm not disparaging sex. Sex kicks arse, and is loads of fun. However, in Western culture these days it is becoming nothing more than a meaningless common activity in the common person's life.

I know what you mean, and I find it a real turn off. I don't understand the behaviour at all. I consider myself a very sensual person, and I've had great sex. But shagging some random person 'just because' is odd. I have a lot of personal space issues regarding my intimate self, and sharing that with somebody I picked up at the pub...yuck. It reminds me of that song by the Bloodhound Gang. I tried an interesting social experiment on Easter weekend. I went out with the girls from work, and went to a pub...bear with me, this is really out there I know...and danced with a couple of guys! I can't remember if that's ever happened before, anyhow - when it all got too intense for me, I made my excuses and joined my workmates again. One of the blokes spent the rest of the night staring into his beer. They clearly thought they were going to get laid, as it's obviously happened every other time they danced with someone. They didn't realise I just liked dancing and classic Madonna. Someone I know would probably have slept with them. Both. If nothing else, it would have done nothing for my self-esteem to shag a guy who in that drunken and randy state would have just as readily taken home a blow-up sheep.



As a mother, that bothers me, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I used to work in the children's clothing department of a retail store, and some of the smaller staff bought their clothes from that department - because they were no different to the women's clothes. I worry that it's a bit of a paedophile trap, but it looks like that sort of thing is here to stay. If my daughter wanted to dress in a way that was provocative, I'm not sure how I'd handle it. As someone who was dressed in frilly floral dresses, neon trackpants and pink tights (keeping in mind this was the 80's) I'm also all too aware of how looking like your mother dressed you can further alienate you from your peers.



Do you think that when they embark on the relationship they genuinely believe that it will work out? And they're just unsuccessful? I know a few people who are good at getting them, and not so good at keeping them. That said, I spent way too long in a relationship that hadn't been working from the word go, and had a child in that relationship. I have regrets about that. Despite the failed attempts at counselling, I really wanted to believe it would work. In hindsight, we were completely different people and it never had a chance. I'm not sure that that's such a good option either.



I agree, I'd go as far as to say I think flooding the market with sex reduces the appetite for it and also the enjoyment of it, which is why there's such a demand for sexual enhancement drugs. Where's the mystery, the allure, the romance - if you've just seen all you wanted to see and more on Sky late night TV?

I help manage another forum where people are always telling us about f*kbuddies or asking us if we think it is a good idea.

Consistent patterns in the other forum:

1. If a boyfriend and girlfriend split up - and then become "f*kbuddies (FB), it generally ends in heartbreak the minute the dumper finds a new partner - which they will because they were done with the old one.

2. Sometimes, very very rarely, two friends who were never previously partners might go from FB to bf+gf. But usually, one of them will get emotionally attached and the other one, not being interested, will break their heart.

For me - no way would I do that. I can understand someone who is single and travelling, having an occasional holiday fling (BYO condoms) - but not the best idea for anyone who can get obsessive.

I can't shag somebody I don't have feelings for.

I know people who have f*ckbuddies or have FWB's, Friends With Benefits. From what I see these things usually don't work out. Usually because one person, usually the female, gets more attached. She eventually wants a deeper and more serious relationship and he doesn't. Or she gets upset when she finds out he is dating another girl.

Having a f*ckbuddy or Friend With Benefits is inferior to a proper relationship, but it is not odd or wrong in general. Thinking there is something wrong with people who do it is just a naive/innocent/sheltered viewpoint. If 2 people are happy being f*ckbuddies or FWB's, who are you to say they are wrong? It is their own private business, and they are entitled to have sex in that manner if they wish to do so. Just like homosexuals are entitled to have sex in that manner if they wish to do so, and it is not wrong. And just like people are entitled to do doggie-style or bondage or whatever -- it is not wrong.

Yes there is potential for heartbreak in these situations, but there is just as much or more potential for heartbreak in a relationship too.

You can say it is wrong for YOU PERSONALLY, but it is not reasonable to say other people are wrong to do it. That would be like saying that people who do bondage/BDSM are wrong just because you do not like it.

Furthermore, it being inferior to a proper relationship is not a valid reason to outright disqualify it. Friendships are also less than relationships, but there is still value in friendships.

It depends. Personally, I'd prefer a good-looker with intelligent conversation, even for just a f-buddy.

I didn't mean that it's wrong for them...I consider myself pretty liberal. I just can't understand wanting to, for me. I guess it's because I have personal space issues. There is of course the issue of STD's with promiscuous sex, it's not a judgement but it's off-putting.

You could make a personals ad from that: "Wanted: good-looking, intelligent f-buddy. No strings attached".
I'm only interested in people that are attractive to me, and that seriously narrows it down - because I've discovered that people I find attractive are usually not who the rest of the world finds attractive, and vice-versa.

Huh. Aesthetics, as well as time, space, morality, and everything in this bloody existence is relative.

[quote="Scaramouche"]What does a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend get that a f*ckbuddy doesn't?

Emotional recipocation? Some feeling of connection or even, dare I say it, love? People need people, simple as that, but even more so, they need to be needed. As it has been mentioned, eventually one of these two people become attatched to the other and the whole f*ckbuddy thing they have going is ruined. Or else they get some feeling of ownership over their 'buddy' and become heartbroken or feel betrayed when this person finds a partner or moves on.

The problem with this buddy system is that it's a relationship...yet it's not.

People like to say anything goes - but when there are consequences they can be major. Then it is "unfair" because that wasn't supposed to be part of the deal. And if you don't take the time to get to know the person you are involved with than some people you may encounter may have some emotional problems themselves (like past abuse) so you don't really know who you are getting involved with. So - that is not naive or sheltered to raise questions about the logic or practicality of such a relationship. If someone was being practical than they would know that there are inherant risks with entering into any sexual relationship.

I really think it's a choice people should make for themselves, I for one think f*ckbuddies are totally OK. Sex is a really good thing and as long as you're safe and responsible, it should be spread around, yeah?
I've had like one f*ckbuddy though. It didn't end too well. But while it lasted it was totally fantastic ;D
Our first date was a sleepover, I should have seen it coming, I know... ^^;;; I don't think I need to give you any details about that
We had talked a lot over the internet and such and we really made a connection, both there and when we hung out in town. There were so many things we had in common y'know?
She was interesting and totally hot, she was funny and really nice. Also, the whole day was lighted in a romantic shimmer, if you know what I mean. Things like we caught eachothers' eye immediately when she arrived with the bus, things like that.
So in the evening when everything escalated, it felt totally natural. And I've never, EVER, had sex on the first date before. Yeah, I played it safe. And gooooood~ ;D There's one for the turnoff topic; I tend to boast xD
As someone else wrote earlier as an example, she got attached to me. No doubt because of all the romantic things and the cuddling. I didn't think it would turn out any good.
I decided I would lose interest in her and I did, which was a shame... Because now in hindsight, I think I really did like her. Like, s**t. Maybe I should have took that chance? Whatever, regret is for wusses or something...
A couple of days later she falls in "love" with some schmuck who's really bad at poetry and varying his language, saying ALL the clichés... I mean, they'll be in love forever? Yeah, whatever xD
At least I got some skills in using my language, though I won't show her any of my poems!
Whatever, it's her life, I don't care anymore even though she is still talking to me very "nice" or something and pretending like she doesn't have a boyfriend.
In conclusion; I'm indifferent to her now but she's still like, trying or something. f**k that, I can't trust her. Though she'll be quite OK if we are being f*ckbuddies, because that was totally awesome!
Besides, I got my hands full of girls anyway... (metaphorically speaking) ;D

Sorry for the long, offtopic post. I just felt I needed to write it and get it off my chest. Also, it might give an example to why I think f*ckbuddies are good idea to atleast try once.

Just my two cents,
Jonesh the Charming Swede

It's their life, whatever. I can't say I find it extremely unattractive, though--if I find out someone's the sort to have f**k buddies I usually dislike them significantly less than I did before. It goes against what I believe in: that sex, being such a special thing, should only be shared with someone you're in love with. I mean, we can masturbate for a reason. I'm not saying people shouldn't be allowed to do it, or that it's "wrong," just that I personally find it very unattractive due to my philosophies.

I agree with the consequences part. The subject matter of many Maury Povich shows was based on these consequences. I have witnessed these consequences with people I know. One of my coworkers was messing around with several guys at the same time. Including one of them who was a married man. She got pregnant and didn't know who the father of her baby was. I watched her go through the drama of paternity tests. And once she did find out who the father was (thank goodness it wasn't the married man because how was he going to explain that to his wife), and taking the baby's father to court to get him to pay child support.

I know a lot of people say what two consenting adults do is nobody else's business, but sometimes it does end up hurting other people, too.

I think you are misinterpreting what is meant by "anything goes". When they say "anything goes", they mean that there is nothing fundamentally or intrinsically ("per se") wrong with f*ckbuddies for example. HOWEVER, it may still be bad in a particular situation, depending on the particular circumstances. Intrinsically-wrong and wrong-on-occasion are 2 separate issues that should not be confused.

Unfortunately, sometimes people confuse the 2 and think that a particular situation is OK merely because it is not intrinsically wrong. I was not trying to suggest that f*ckbuddies is always an OK thing to do. Rather I meant that it is intrinsically OK but not OK in every single situation.

Your comment about gay pride being about having 'pants half-way down and crap' is ridiculous, grossly uninformed and something I find far more morally repugnant than the idea of 'fuck-buddies'. You say you are not 'particularly' against homosexuality, but your words say otherwise. Don't be so quick to judge the sexual behaviours of others; as long as it doesn't hurt anyone (as does discrimination), most people would agree that it is fine.