Jealousy, and how it relates to Humans with A.S.

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Hello all! I've been doing research on the subject of love and dating, and how it relates to people with Asperger's Syndrome for a while now. Most of the information I dug up has told me this: People with Asperger's Syndrome have a tendency to be jealous in relationships.

This confused the hell out of me. I don't get jealous. Not even a little bit. Never.

I've been in a stable open relationship with someone that a lot of human beings here would call "neuro-typical" (Personally, I believe that the only "typical" people are the ones you haven't met yet) for four years. Some may think open/poly-amorous relationships are cool, others may disapprove - I don't care.

My questions for you are these: Would you consider yourself to be jealous/insecure in a relationship? Do you have trust issues? If so, how do they affect the your past/present relationships? What does fidelity/infidelity mean to you? What does trust mean to you?

I think that just about covers it. If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask. I don't bite!

I'm generally very secure and not jealous. However I can see how someone with AS might be jealous in a relationship.

First, many people with AS have low social self esteem, so I think there can be a good deal of skepticism and doubt when they discover that a person actually wants to date them.

Second, many people with AS know that they have a degree of non-verbal social blindness, and are aware that this makes them somewhat gullible.

So combine this skepticism with the relatively warranted paranoia from having enough insight to know you are somewhat gullible, and you can very easily get someone who is jealous.

Chronos is generally on target. I fall under the "jealous" category; I imagine I would become very suspicious of a woman who wanted an open relationship with me.

I do understand your viewpoint. I felt that way about seven or so years ago. I suppose I have adapted a new paradigm since then. I have another question for you, then.

Which would bother you more? An honest open relationship, or a dishonest closed relationship?

I think jelousy and being ok with your partner sleeping with others are slightly seperate qualities.

For example a long ago ex used to accuse me of infidelity if I bought food from a male shop assistant and follow me around town, I would call that problems with jelousy. But I think I could trust someone completely and be very sure of their love but still not want them to sleep with someone else. So I think they are seperate things, someone can want exclusivity without jelousy.

From reading things about open relationships I think the people who enjoy them have a different mind set, they seem to seperate love and sex. To me I cant seperate love and sex and could not understand that a partner loved me but wanted sex with others. But I dont think its jelousy so much as the ability to compartmentalise sex and love.

When Ive had relationships where I did not love the person strongly I did not mind if they slept with others, but when Ive had relationships with people i loved very strongly I wanted them to only sleep with me and it hurt to think of them sleeping with someone else.

I tried separating love and sex once. I tried, and failed. It didn't end well, and I ended up sleeping with someone that I didn't want anything to do with. That was definitely a bad move on my part. My current relationship is "Poly-amorous." Not "Polygamous."

Apart from that, I find what you said about jealousy and exclusivity to be very interesting. I understand what you mean, but I'm not sure I understand how you feel about this.

The question is loaded, because I do not believe in an honest open relationship on my terms. I'd get jealous and that would be that, even if my partner was a better candidate for such a thing.

That is a valid answer. I had no intention of trying to persuade you, so it did not occur to me that my question was "loaded." Sorry about that.

yes its very important to be clear about Poly-amorous and Polygamous differentiation. I knew a family made of two women and a man and they loved each other very much and it went well for a few years but then one of the women wanted to move out as she felt she was excluded. She went on to marry a guy and have a monogamous relationship and was very happy. The remaining couple had a monogamous relationship with lots of infidelities on both side and suffered a lot of pain untill they split. I think their case showed how its hard to please everyone involved and a hard balance to make and that people change in what they want over time.

I have also known couples with an open marriage where they could sleep with others . I find this the hardest to understand as I think 'why get married?' so they must think so very different to me as I dont beleive in marriage (but do prefer exclusivity) and can not understand why someone would make that commitment and then want to sleep with others.

I think the most important thing is that the relationship is one where all those involved are happy with the 'ground rules' and know what is going on.

I think people are much more complicated and less static than it just being a devide between jelous and non jelous people, as for myself I change how I feel depending on the person and with time and all sorts of other things and I think other people are the same. Relationships are a dynamic, ever moving and never still so I think what makes the people happy will change constantly and need revision all the time (I think thats why is so hard for aspies as we like it to stay the same and know where we stand and know what to expect).

Yes I am extremely jealous & insecure in a relationship & I also have trust issues. I only had one relationship years ago & they came into play or wer caused because she kept talking about wanting to have a 3some with me & one of her friends & she also was into being spanked & she would tell me about how guys at school spanked her & stuff. I had NO interest in being with anyone but her & I honestly did not find anyone else but her attractive. The thought of being with anyone else then made me feel sick & the thought of her being with someone else was excruciatingly painfully to me. Trust to me is extremely important & I can NOT trust someone who has drug & alcohol problems & will go party & get drunk & high with an ex & then call me up the next day extremely upset over things & beg me to spend all day talking to her over the phone or online & then the next week does it again & then runs to me again. I need somone who is faithfull & will not give me anxiety attacks worrying about her. I'm not sure if I really answered your questions well but I want someone who will be completely honest & faithful with me because it is impossible for me not to be that way with her.

You did pretty much cover all my questions.
This person who parties & calls you the next day sounds like an emotional leech to me. Not a good relationship to be in. As far as the next person you meet: Make sure you give her a clean slate. It's also good to pre-determine how many "second-chances" you will give someone who breaks your trust. It will save you a lot of misery!).

I'd say that a poly-relationship would not be good for you, but it seems you have thoroughly established that.

I take people on individual causes. I mite be an emotional leech to thou in a way because I have "lost puppy syndrome". I have an extremely hard time connecting with people & feeling comfortable around em because of my AS & other issues so the one time I was lucky enough to find someone; I became obsessed with her. I was insecure & jealous partly because I was scared of losing her partly because I had spend the 1st 20 years of my life feeling alone. I'm not sure if other Aspies can relate/understand thou

It depends on

A) The person
B) The person they are involved with
C) how trusting they are.