Help! How do you attract a guy if you're a girl?

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sunshower
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28 Jul 2010, 1:19 am

Since I seem to be notoriously bad in this area, I thought I'd source as much advice as I can.

I've started liking this guy (which happens very rarely for me, I rarely am attracted to anyone - thus I really don't want to screw it up) and I need to figure out how to attract him.

I'm not sure if he likes me back, but I figure I want to give it my best shot anyway.

I've been watching "The Pickup Artist" and there's all this info on there about IOI's (indicators of interest), IOD's (indicators of disinterest), and DHV's (demonstrations of higher value) etc, - basically the male should demonstrate his higher value, not appear too clingy or needy and let the female come to him, and put down the female subtly - but it's all from a male perspective approaching a female, so I'm not sure if it applies to a female approaching a male, or if the technique should even be reversed.

The first time we spoke (talking online, although we initially met briefly in person) the conversation sort of went downhill - a.k.a. I think we both got way too personal and I feel like maybe I scared him off. :( I have been the initiator after that. We met in person again and I felt he was showing signs of interest, a.k.a. coming into the same room as me, looking my way, etc. I don't know whether I should initiate conversation, or this may seem too clingy and I should wait for him to initiate (a.k.a. he'll initiate if he's interested)? I want to start with conversing online some more before considering taking the next step I think. What should I do? What's everybody's opinions and advice?


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monsterland
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28 Jul 2010, 2:44 am

Ask him if he wants to watch a DVD, and sit near him on the couch. See if he puts his arm around you. And/or leave your hand between you so he could put his hand on it, or near it, touching it.

NTs built up many methods of subtle probing which do not result in embarassment, because nothing is asked directly, and if result is failure, you can pretend there was no intention on your part. Such methods are worth researching.



lotusblossom
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Pistonhead
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28 Jul 2010, 3:32 am

In response to the title alone, flash him or suck on your finger.

Though if you already have a target picked and you don't want it to end in a one night stand invite him to the movies or to keep you company while you shop.


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hale_bopp
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28 Jul 2010, 4:29 am

I would help but I'm terrible at it too :(

Some NTs mention a boyfriend(lie) to a person they like to see how the potential partener will react, I don't know whether this is any use or not.

The last guy I approached and eventually fell in love with, I blatently said on MSN. "I like you - as in really like you" but he flirted with me before and i wasnt into him back then.

Sometimes guys can't take hints. NT and Aspergers. But don't take my advice It might ruin a friendship :/



Hector
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28 Jul 2010, 4:34 am

Personally, if a girl mentions a boyfriend even offhandedly, I'm inclined to think she might be trying to put me off (and if she is, she's succeeding). I often see it as advice given to put off interested men, even if you're really single.



hale_bopp
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28 Jul 2010, 4:44 am

Yeah thats why I said don't take my advice on this matter.

Some of them hint about how they like some other dude to see how they react too



lotusblossom
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28 Jul 2010, 5:35 am

In the leil lowndes book it says

make prolonged eye contact as this sets of love hormones

mirror their body language as it creates a feeling of togetherness

use 'we' language eg 'its great we went to english class' as it also creates a belonging/rightness/togetherness atmostphere

use a pet name (or childhood name) for same reason

in conversation highlight the similarities between you (ignore the differences), identify with them, admire them.

dont be critical, ignore their faults and foibles



sunshower
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28 Jul 2010, 9:17 am

ok, so I screwed up the eye contact part... I tend to do the opposite when I like someone; I tend to automatically actively avoid eye contact for some reason.

I see the idea of the movie, but getting there in the first place is difficult.

I will read those articles.


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sunshower
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28 Jul 2010, 9:37 am

Thankyou lotusblossom for the videos; they were extremely helpful and they actually made me realize other things as well!!

I kept wondering why I have so many men hitting on me and approaching me in real life, and watching those videos made me realize that I have been consistently sending out the wrong signals; I keep sending out "I'm interested in you romantically" signals to men who I'm just being polite to and strangers I meet in the street, and then when I actually like someone I seem to send out rejection signals to them. Wow, a lot of stuff makes a lot more sense now.


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lotusblossom
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28 Jul 2010, 9:57 am

sunshower wrote:
Thankyou lotusblossom for the videos; they were extremely helpful and they actually made me realize other things as well!!

I kept wondering why I have so many men hitting on me and approaching me in real life, and watching those videos made me realize that I have been consistently sending out the wrong signals; I keep sending out "I'm interested in you romantically" signals to men who I'm just being polite to and strangers I meet in the street, and then when I actually like someone I seem to send out rejection signals to them. Wow, a lot of stuff makes a lot more sense now.

yes that is what I do also :? I was so pleased when i found that out as its made going out and about so much less stressful. But Ive found it much harder not to revert to embarrassed/rejecting body language when I like someone. When I really like someone I either look like Im rejecting them or like I will keep them in my basement lol!



sunshower
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28 Jul 2010, 10:37 am

lotusblossom wrote:
sunshower wrote:
Thankyou lotusblossom for the videos; they were extremely helpful and they actually made me realize other things as well!!

I kept wondering why I have so many men hitting on me and approaching me in real life, and watching those videos made me realize that I have been consistently sending out the wrong signals; I keep sending out "I'm interested in you romantically" signals to men who I'm just being polite to and strangers I meet in the street, and then when I actually like someone I seem to send out rejection signals to them. Wow, a lot of stuff makes a lot more sense now.

yes that is what I do also :? I was so pleased when i found that out as its made going out and about so much less stressful. But Ive found it much harder not to revert to embarrassed/rejecting body language when I like someone. When I really like someone I either look like Im rejecting them or like I will keep them in my basement lol!


yes, wow, I can see this significantly improving my life.


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OneStepBeyond
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28 Jul 2010, 1:47 pm

wow this all sounds so complicated. does it really need to be this contrived:/



Erisad
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28 Jul 2010, 6:01 pm

sunshower wrote:
ok, so I screwed up the eye contact part... I tend to do the opposite when I like someone; I tend to automatically actively avoid eye contact for some reason.


Same here! My past ex thought I didn't like him for that reason. But then I told him and made it specifically clear as to which form of the word "like" I meant. It went kinda like this:

Me: "I like you." :oops:
Him: "I like you too." :)
Me: "I think you're misinterpret--" :?
Him: "Holy s**t, you have a thing for me?!" :shock:
Me: "Yup."
Him: "Let's go for pancakes!"

And we were dating a week later. XD



scubasteve
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28 Jul 2010, 6:06 pm

A beer and a sandwich.

Only kidding... but seriously it can't be as hard for women as it is for men, can it? Everything we do is what it is, there's no mysterious hidden meaning behind it. We're not that complicated.



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28 Jul 2010, 6:28 pm

This I do not understand why can't you just be yourself , you want him to like you for you not the you that you learned from a "self help guide"

BTW I still think it's easier for AS women you've got cute and clever (yes the latter is scary to many men) I have to be smooth and put on the machismo which for an aspie male is the equivalent of speaking a foreign language that has not been learned. I'm glad I'm borderline asexual :)