Doubt

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Recently, I have been having a bit of doubt towards something my girlfriend had informed me of at the beginning of our relationship.

You see, she told me that her mother constantly calls her names, yells at her, and so on. I immediately accepted this all as fact, and have since always listened to her when she tells me of another incident of verbal abuse from her mother. However, my opinion has slightly started to change. Why it has is a lengthy story.

The problem I'm having is how I should go about getting an answer to if this is truth or not. I could ask her myself, yes. But how could I do it in such a way that I don't come off as cold and unsympathetic? She, even if it's a lie, could too attempt to defend it as being the absolute truth. Which would get me no where.

I also have the option of asking her brother. However, he may never witness it happening and might tell his sister that I am asking him instead of her. That, in turn, may cause her to become quite upset.

The advice I need is which would be better? Asking her (with an explanation on how to ask)? Or should I ask her brother?

Finding a resolution to this question is rather important to me, since it could have a great impact on our relationship. If I end up finding that this has all been a lie, one that has been going on for months, then my trust in her will be terribly damaged. However, if this has all been true, then I will continue as I have.

I'd maybe make a comment about it to her brother, but try to be subtle. Say something that will encourage him to answer without realising that you were asking a question at all.

The question is one of trust. You clearly already don't trust her as you are entertaining doubts.

I would brazen it out and ask her outright - maybe explain that you are not going to be angry or disappointed but certainty is very important to you. There is a tendency for some people I think to try to be deceptive and ask family or even go as far as to spy on people but this won't work because (1) you won't be good at it; and, (2) it only ever leads to more madness.

Alternatively just accept that it is something outside of your control and if she is making it up then it is important for her to do so and move on.

Ok,, I'm going to guess: you overheard an interaction or heard her mother described by somebody else and it didn't match your girlfreind's experience. This is very common. I mean really very common.

A very common scenario is that her perception of interaction with her mother is skewed by her childhood and by her ongoing relationship with her mother. An outsider to the relationship might see, "Now dear, don't forget to take out the trash". She might 'hear', "you stupid, forgetful girl- you forgot the trash again like you always do" or something equally hostile. Her interpretation isn't a lie as such. A lie means intent to deceive. I doubt she is intending to deceive you. She just probably interprets every interaction with her mother through a very hostile filter that's more about what is going on in her head and her strong feelings about her mother.

I say this on the strength of just one post of yours mostly because the interaction between mothers and daughters rarely feels the same to the participants as it does to outsiders.


I wouldn't confront her about lying. In her mind, it all very likely feels true even if that's not how it looks to outsiders. It will drive a "lack of trust" wedge between you. I've witnessed this sort of thing before with friends of mine. A girl/woman (depending on what age we were when this took place) tells me about the horrible, horrible things her mother does and says. I meet the mother, watch them interact and I just don't see it. Later, when we're in private I say something along the lines of "she seemed ok to me" and my friend says "WHAT??! !!?? You didn't hear how she was yelling at me?". When I was a teen (which is when this sort of interaction usually starts) I would just shrug and say "she seemed ok to me". Later in college I fleshed it out a little more and would get my friends talking about their feelings about their mothers and that was cathartic.

So maybe do something a little more like that. Don't say, "I heard your mom talking to you and you are absolutely lying about her yelling". Instead say something more like "I heard your mom talking to you and it didn't sound like yelling to me"- but in a confused way, not a confrontational way. Whatever conversation results from that will likely shed light on the disconnect between what the mother says and what the daughter hears.

Or maybe she is intentionally lying to deceive you. But I'm going to go with her misinterpreting her mother because that's just so incredibly common.

I think too that's the most common case.

But you also have to know that mothers are not always angels and can be mean sometimes.
Not cruel or really abusive, not always but sometimes, just... mean.
Whatever may be the reasons, it can happen.

And that, unless being right there to witness it at the "good" moments, nobody would know about it

Alright, thank you all for the advice! I'll be sure to use it.