How much do you have to change?

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I've just realised something today. I can't believe that I was unaware of this before, but then I've never been in a relationship. But I was reading through some of the posts and it seems that Aspies find it difficult to make changes in themselves in a relationship. I have always had the view that I need someone to accept me for who I am and I need someone that will fit into my lifestyle (no wonder I'm single eh?) I didn't realise that it is normal to need to make changes in yourself as a person to make a relationship work.

So my question would be: what changes have you made in your lifestyle or personality to make your relationships work and what difficulties have you come accross in areas that you have been unable to change.

Making changes in your lifestyle actually has little to do with being accepted for "who you are."


Hypothetical Example: You're in a working, stable relationship. You are happy, but then, you and your partner move in together. Now what? You need money. Let's say he already has a job, but you constantly "borrow" money from him to go gambling. He becomes upset, and let's you know how he feels.

Would it be right to say "But you should accept me for who I am!" at that point? People should be accepted for who they are, but not always for what they do.

You might not really change but you will have to change some of the things that you do or don't do.

You need to be able to compromise, compromise, compromise.

Your main changes will be

How much time you need to set aside for the other person/family. This increases massively depending on how many children you have
So, your personal quiet time reduces. Time for hobbies special interests reduces.

How much talking you need to do. How much of yourself you need to open up to another person.

How much socialising you have to do. Your partner's friends, family etc. You could have a lot more evenings out, birthday parties, christenings, weddings to go to than before.

You need to be able to share your space. To deal with someone wanting the space to be different to how you might like it.

If you don't compromise enough your partner will not be happy. If you compromise too much you will not be happy.
Unless of course you are a perfect match

Interesting I can't speak for a love relationship but with family I can. I find it HARD to change. I'm constantly coming off as rude to the point of thinking WHY BOTHER (as in WHY bother talking to your parents if to them what you say comes off as "rude") Sometimes I agree yes I'm rude others it's UH I was rude??? Ok whatever. Just a few Sundays ago "OMG You've been nothing but rude today you are a rude b***h!" Negative comments like this among others really gets me feeling down and depressed. I've been a psychological wreck for YEARS now due mainly to them!! ! On the idea of an actual "love" relationship I hope I can find someone that accepts me for who I am. I'm not a drinker/gambler etc. I wouldn't ask for much (Hey lets go out/or movies a few times a month) is all I ask. Just a little fun to get away from the HELL HOLE that is my parents house (If I don't move out anytime soon.) I dream perhaps even his family or a friends family can become like my "second" family people that treat me with decency and respect not yelling calling me rude or a b***h. I would SO LOVE THAT!

You have to change a whole lot and I think it's harder for us aspies. I found I can't keep up with the relationship rules and I burn out after a while. It's like working 24/7 and you only have a break when your partner is gone or when you are gone.

Yeah I feel lazy and a jerk in relationships and selfish. I admit I'm those.

I have no answers, being perpetually single myself.

I think it is the fear of not being allowed to be myself if I wanted to be in a relationship with another person that has always made me back away from getting any closer than a casual friendship. In my teens and twenties, I literally felt like my personality would be dissolved away in an intimate relationship. As I've gotten older, I recognize that closeness with another person is a give and take situation - you don't get all you want but you also don't lose everything either. But I still feel like I would lose more than I care to.

In the past few years as I have started to understand the complexities of Asperger's Syndrome, I have found I can let go of the need for intimacy and a committed relationship. I think it is easier at 45 since the instinctual drives kind of ease off around this time. I feel a sense of relief that I don't have to worry about falling in love or having to give up myself so I can be with someone else. Things may change, but for now, it's working.

I guess I can address your question from the standpoint of how I have dealt with my friendships. I used to be more open about expressing my views and sometimes getting into arguments in support of my opinions. Now I tend to keep my mouth shut and rant and rave in a written journal. I find there are few people who share my tastes in films or books or music. So these end up being things that I don't share. I regret that I can't have a fun discussion about some of these things with my friends, but at least I don't feel like I have to give up enjoying them altogether.

My feeling is that if I lived with someone, I wouldn't be able to play the music I enjoy or watch the films I like. I don't want to push my interests onto people if they don't enjoy them so I guess my default reaction is to shut them away when others are around.

You can't have everything in life. I feel it is best to identify which things are more important to you and try to arrange your life so you can have the things you really need. My choice was to keep myself.

Lars

I agree with you, I don't change myself for anyone or anything. Arrangements and such within a relationship may require change and compromise, but I'd never change who I am. If I need to do that for someone, they aren't right for me.

I always wondered too? What would I have to change? I felt like I would have to try to change myself to be the way my significant other would want me to be. Yet that wouldn't be right. If I did that, I wouldn't be myself. I would be a phony and I do not want to be fake because I wouldn't be able to stand putting up with the charade. I suppose changing some minor things to accommodate others could work but you can't change yourself completely because in the end, you will not be happy and no one can put on a show of being someone else forever. Eventually your true side will come out.

there are certain things about me that i cant change that dont seem to work well in relationships

People don't change in a relationship, they just learn to lie constantly and pretend that they have.

What you are talking about is "pretending," not "changing." If you are changing, you are still yourself, in a different state of mind. Everyone changes.

If your partner demands that you improve yourself, you are not changing who you are as a person, you are simply improving yourself.
If you upgrade to "You 2.0," you won't feel like "somebody else." You'll just be a better person.

Some changes are reasonable, others are unreasonable.



I've changed (I prefer to say that I've grown, actually) several times within my current relationship.
I'm not pretending to be someone else. I've simply become more responsible and mature.

and the clever ones just wake up and smell the coffee:

The Missing Piece - Shel Silverstein
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=744JBwjrlKk

and there is a happy ending for all the sentimental ones here:

The Missing Piece meets the Big O - Shel Silverstein
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQ ... re=related

I also want someone who can accept me but at the same time I believe that putting forth effort & making compromises/making changes is vital to making any relationship work. Both partners need to be willing to do what they can to change/compromise but they also need to realize & understand that there are some things that people can not change. I'd make whatever changes I could to try & make it work but there is only so much I can do after a certain point. Like work for example. I have some disabilities besides AS that make it extremely difficult for me to get a job. I do want to work & I'll take most any job I feel I can do fairly well but I need someone who understands that I'll probably won't be able to get a job anytime soon because of things beyond my control. It's NOT that I don't want to work but rather disabilities & the economy/job market are limiting me. I guess what I'm saying is I'll change most everything I can but I need her to understand & accept that some(or lots) of things can be extremely difficult or even impossible for me to change. Change/compromising is a 2 way street. Both partners should be putting forth equal effort

I have no idea because I've never been in a relationship long enough to need to change anything. Maybe if I were more sexual, my other relationship would have turned out better. D:

I change completely when around other people
I was nothing like I normally am around the last girl I liked
its all fake

I'm a different person when I'm in a relationship as well but I don't think it's fake; that's who I really was with her & I was a much better & happier person with her. I think relationships should be about going true changes & supporting each other to become the best person they can be because you care about em & like seeing each other happy