Shutdowns out of control - Ex destroyimg our life

Post Reply New Topic

Hey there

I need some help & I really cannot find an answer inside my mind for the future that I face with my AS spouse.
Problem is his ex, which he had three children with. Obviously he will have her in his life for a very long time as the children are ages 6-11.
What the issue is, is she just wont leave him alone, harassing him via text & emails , making demands, being uncooperative, and he cannot handle it.
Its been an unending battle with her for more then three years and its wearing me down, never mind whats its doing to him, right now I feel she may have the power to tear us apart, and not because of her actions, because of his.
He will not stand up to her at all 0%. I have done my best to help him stand on his own & have even written emails for him to her om his behalf, but at times, he just withdraws, goes into shutdown and disappears from our life whenever she rears her ugly head which is often, I suspect she is a socialpath 100% and suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome.
This is very emotionally trying on me, possibly on a different level them him as Im the responsible one holding the bag to pay bills, make decisions and carry on with life..more & more lately this is a very sore subject & instead of doing one thing in his favor, he retreats, he has made a closet in our den into a computer workspace and simply retreats to there only coming out for food for the past three days.
Im doing my best to hang in there but find at times losing control and verbally demanding he "do" something...as the latest situation will have him in court again if he keeps ignoring her, which is his choose of reaction ( or maybe just not a choice I dont know anymore) . but if he ignores her she is sure to take whatever is left or have him thrown in jail or something..

She has more then half his salary in child support & is now demanding that all three kids get 50% payments from him in advance for two activities each, two want swimming lessons & karate & one in ball hockey & karate.

At this point the guy has 300 mth left after basic bills such as mortgage & food, utilities and bare living expenses, 300 is all he has for the next two years per mth for stuff such as entertainment, clothing allowance for himself & his kids, bday gifts xmas etc.. I take care of myself and often do to such a low amt, I often have to cover outtings etc with all his kids & mine on the weekends, which leaves me with no money, but I can manage.
Sadly he didn't disclose a raise he recd 1 1/2 yrs ago, nor did he know he had too, she took him to court & now he has to pay back 4000 in back payments..plus 850 in support..that was just June, so now he pays over 1000 mth . Of coarse this woman never has enuf, she is coming after him for the rest he has left , knowing full well in court how I fought for him saying he will be in danger of losing his house if he has to pay out much more, as she had requested the back sport of 300 mth but I negotiated on his behalf the whole day & had it lowered to 175mth for two years.

Meanwhile she is planning a trip to Disney for Xmas with the 3 KIDS, her daughter says or she is going to go to Mexico with her mom & her friend. So as I am doing my best to keep him on budget trying to squeeze some funds for xmas for his kids, she is now coming after him again, and making the threat that is he doesnt agree she will again take him to court & get what she is entitled too, along with asking for all & anything from the past three years that she may be " entitled " too as well as it is her right !
Of coarse making a note on the email that she will not stand for me in the mediation room this time as we are not married & its between both of them not me...So to avoid court as I fear the worse, I wrote him an email to her saying he may be able to budget one activity per child if she gives him the numbers in advance..however he will not send it...and now has gone into complete withdrawal, and this is a time sensitive thing...he ignores her, she pulls him in court & he has no money for a lawyer & will get screwed as she has a duyty council laywer & has picked a courthouse with a man hating judge that holds no mercy for dads.
.He has not been officially diagnosed so he will have no support from the court form his issues. and Im not sure if she can demand I not be there, but if she can, he is hopeless in front of her as her turns into a 3yr old who barely can force a whisper out of the anxiety he faces when in front of her..In June I told the legal aid duty council of his issue & she helped us dealing with me all day while he was in full shutdown mode doodling cartoons ona a notepad all day..for 8hrs all he has to ofer when done is to tell me I shouldve been in more control as I probably pissed his ex of even more.which of corase devasted me to find out he felt this way..
She basically wants to destroy us, everything he has & will not stop..even during weekend visits she texts her 9yr old daughter on her cell ( cause yes her 9 yr old daughter has a more advanced cell then I do) & has her tell him. oh by the way tell your dad the boys need haircuts, shoes etc etc...
THis has had an extreme negative effect on our stability and I dont knwo what to do, this woman will be in our lifes for many many years, and he just hides each & every single time she comes after him, it was 2weeks last time s before he eve told me she was taking him to court, as its more natural for him to avaid..what shall I do..
ts makiung me nuts too..

But what should I do here, he wont do for himself, is afraid of her in every way., yet if he doesn't DO something, she will for sure destroy him..and of coarse me and my kids as a side note... I don't know what to do..and as it has to come from him..Im not sure if there is anything I can do except what my life fall apart too.r

Meet with a counselor or legal aid to see what you can do to help in situation. If you can take over the legal stuff, write the arguments, etc., great, do it. She sounds abusive, and maybe even a restraining order could be considered. But ... You may just have to keep dealing with the fallout as it comes; if he isn't able to stand up to her, he isn't able to stand up to her. If you love him, you help him with what is left and move on. Accept the fact that he comes as he comes, and because of burdens his carries, he's getting screwed and all his money goes to her. It isn't his fault; he can't do what he can't do.

I have a husband who every few years quits his job or tilts at windmills. I've lived with and loved him long enough to realize that he doesn't do it to disrupt the family or because he's worthless or anything else; he just NEEDS to. So I try to have back up plans ready and stay in position to take over financially. We plan accordingly. Some things just "are," and if you love someone, you deal.

Once you've checked all your options for how you can help solidify him, you have to decide if you can accept the situation out of love for the man. If you can't, you do what you have to do.

And, no, I don't think there is anything you can do to break through the shut-down wall. Maybe someone else will have a different idea, but in my life, I haven't found any.

I hate being the bearer of bad news, but you have some tough choices to make.

As a rule, I'd advise people seeking long term, committed relationships to avoid being with someone who is divorced. It's not a judgmental thing or anything else against divorced people, because I do understand that unfortunate things DO happen. A lot of people feel you can't help who you fall in love with or who you are attracted to (I disagree, but not the point), but couples coming together out of divorces, in my opinion, are setting themselves up for disaster. There's always so much baggage, whether emotional or a dangerous ex, to contend with which, if I were in the same position, would make the relationship quite simply not worth it.

You aren't married to him... Just curious, why not?

The sad thing is there is NOTHING you can really do. The FACT, whether it was intended or not, is that he was negligent in his financial matters and now has to make up for it. The best thing you can help him do is learn how to be cooperative in these terrible circumstances. Aspie men, myself being one of them, aren't quite as understanding of things as others can be. He sounds a lot like me, because I do get stressed out so easily when things get tough and shut down or hide out. I retreat into my work, but my wife is amazed by what I get accomplished! You two have a lot in common because she is SO supportive of me and understanding. You want to fix things, but you just aren't in a position to, and his ex holds all the cards, legally speaking.

What he needs is a good lawyer, and unfortunately that doesn't seem to be an option.

What YOU have to do, since you aren't married, is decide what and how much to support him. You can't let him drain you because of things beyond your control (his ex). It's HIS ship, and AS or not, it's up to him whether it sinks or not. You aren't under any real obligation to help, so let him know you can only contribute THIS much (however much that is) and stay firm about it.

In the meantime, cut back on going out, fun time, movies, entertainment, etc., disconnect the landline phone, have only one cell phone in the house, cancel your cable/satellite subscription, cut internet to lowest available bandwidth, by store brands, cut your meals in half, and sell whatever junk you have in the house that you don't absolutely need. You'll make up for the debt within 6 months or so and you'll have money left over to put in savings. I don't know what he does for a living, but see if he can't get an extra odd job like mowing lawns or something ($100/acre or something) and KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHING. It might take a year or two, but you'll eventually get back on track. If you two want to be together, you have a LOT of muck to wade through. You have to decide if it's worth all that.

Now, something that is POSSIBLE, though I'd never seriously recommend it, is to take out an unsecured loan for the amount owed, hold out for 3 months, and file for bankruptcy if there's NO POSSIBLE WAY you can survive with the divorce settlement as it is. Make sure you sell as many of your possessions/valuables first so you can show the federal judge that you have absolutely NOTHING and the settlement is driving you to starvation. You do not want ANY liquid assets on hand because they'll make you pay that to your unsecured loan. It's possible your bankruptcy lawyer can negotiate for fare child support payments during this process.

I'd avoid the bankruptcy route if at all possible, though. It's an easy way out, but people that declare bankruptcy typically become dependent on the court system after they are discharged and will re-file about every 5 years. It's welfare for the middle class, something I have little respect for even with people on a low income. Trust me, when my wife and I BOTH lost our jobs, we had a LOT of financial problems and even lost our home. We went on to by a smaller place out in the country where everyone leaves us alone. We do NOT pay a mortgage, we manage to have a LITTLE fun every now and then, though it's rare. And we did NOT file for bankruptcy. It's not easy, but we make it work. You sound to me like a very tough and patient person, so just hang in there the best you can.

I have a hard time sounding sympathetic, mostly the AS. I really do hope things get better for you.

Thanks you DW, you appear to have it all figured out, I wish I did. I like to see me as strong but it sooo wears me down too & Id like to run myself, but I cant as I have to be the rock, as it appears you may have to be as well.
You seem very selfless and have accepted your life as is is, and I do hope to one day be at that point, however it is not easy with this blended family & exs and such..and I dont have a shut off valve, as much as I wish I did at times .

He will not do such a thing as to get a restraining order, as I know him & that will just too much of a bother, he will not stand for himself, as its just too much for him to handle , he wont back me up even when helping him, as he always has that fear that she will come after him for that too..he is scared of her, and you cant make someone do anything they wont do.
I can see why he scared of her, she always seems to make it sound oh so right what deadbeat dad he is to others. How he is not active in their kids life, but again not true, she moved & he doesn't drive, so he has no way of seeing them during a workweek as to bus it takes 5hrs round trip, she drives yet will not did not even accept his plea to meet him half way with the kids .All the claims she makes are so untrue..yet he does forget bdays, yet he may not call, but his is more to do with avoiding her and who could blame him. When she puts it all on paper in her social work dialogue ( as that is her field ) it all looks very bad for him, yet the guy has never missed a CS payment once, sees his kids without fail & and the many years he did spend on disability was also with him giving her half his chq..yet she paints him in this regular ugly deadbeat pic.

He will not seek anything unless I push him hard to do so, and then give him the words to say, and when in distress he retreats to a young child demeanor & cannot even articulate himself at all..which one may not imagine with this 6ft strong looking man who supervises a floor of 200 at times.., yet there is is.each & every single time.this child like man who cannot speak on his behalf, almost becoming mute & catatonic as in court..then to others it may often look like Im controlling him instead of helping him. speaking for him, which I really dont mind doing, but so often I see that look from ppl , and hear them say..let him speak ..

In this part of Canada you have to make min wage or less for legal assistance, so that is out. At most he may be able to get some 0hr free legal advice somewhere , but that wont help him in court.
I suggested he seek a loan from his family to obtain a lawyer, but he owes them alot of money from the years past & also has fear to do that as well..I feel alone most times in defending him, and trying to keep it all together. I do love him & want to do whatever it takes, but again..its not easy & my emotional side is taking a beating as well..if I can break down his walls, then how do I build mine, as clearly thats the only choice left. Also there is no support here for AS partners unless there's an official DX, which we also cant afford, its 1800.00..so I feel lost as well.

Thanks for your support

[quote="AngelRho"]I hate being the bearer of bad news, but you have some tough choices to make.

As a rule, I'd advise people seeking long term, committed relationships to avoid being with someone who is divorced. It's not a judgmental thing or anything else against divorced people, because I do understand that unfortunate things DO happen. A lot of people feel you can't help who you fall in love with or who you are attracted to (I disagree, but not the point), but couples coming together out of divorces, in my opinion, are setting themselves up for disaster. There's always so much baggage, whether emotional or a dangerous ex, to contend with which, if I were in the same position, would make the relationship quite simply not worth it.

You aren't married to him... Just curious, why not?/quote]


Thank you so much, I appreciate all your advise. Luckily I have no debt at all, and his only debt is now to his ex,
We are not married, although I strongly wish we were, but his ex ( who was only common law as well) always pressured him to marry & has left him with a bad taste in his mouth for the whole thing, he doesn't believe ppl need to be married, even though he does know its important to me, when we discuss it, he says, dont worry, you worry too much, one day I will marry you, yet with this financial burden he has, unless I buy my own ring I dont see how this can happen, I pay for all the extras in the house outside of utilities as he has such a high support payment, so maybe I can cut these down a bit to alleviate more funds for myself. I am also on low income, however I am a good money manager & follow a strict budget. I have to check the budget I create for him regularly as well, as he just spends it thinking..oh well theres money ion the bank..but we have separate bank accounts so I manage both as best I can..
I helped him with buying his first house almost a year ago as my credit was ruined by my ex, and his was still good, so now we finally have a house we can call our own, I am 100% debt free, do not even own a credit card & the mortgage is more then manageable compared to renting & I cannot see giving this up.and realistically we cannot sell at this point and regain our downdownpayment which was mostly mine, I also cannot advise bankruptcy as even if you go bankrupt in Ontario, you still have to pay the same support, I already checked that out. He would definatley need a lawyer then just to stay out of jail..
Just a year ago I had a smll 2 bedrm bsmt apt that I rented after my previous divorce and lived there for three years, my s/o & I met a year after my divorce & moved in 1.5 yrs later, 6 mths after that we bought the house. But for two years we had all our combined 5 children sleeping on a floor in a bsmt during visits & barely had walking room.

Since we bought the townhouse, his ex went nuts,,,trying to destroy him for what he now has, as how dare he have a house when she doesn't..this is what his eldest told us after we bought it..thats when this war began..

I know / knew he had alot of baggage, but I still choose to love him, as he is the most caring gentle man Ive ever known, however his avoidance of reality at times has me near a nervous breakdown myself, however I do seem to recoup fast..Im often left holding up the fort.
I also believe love is the strongest force in the universe & Ive begun a free weekly meditation class to assist with my ongoing stress, however at times my cup still overflow it

His family may be an option to provide a loan for a lawyer as theyve been a great support to him, but as he hasnt paid back a dime of the 4000 + he has borrowed in the last 10years prior to me, I dont know if they still can help him this way, or if he will have the courage to ask.

I thank you for your email, Im talking a mental health day from work myself today, so I appreciate your time taken to type this out, makes me feel less alone

You've gotten good advice already from DW_a_mom and AngelRho. I'm wondering if your bf is the father of your children?

If he isn't the father of your children, I'd ask you to reconsider your commitment to this relationship. Unfortunately - IMO - your bf is the problem. While his ex-wife is the one stirring the pot, she's seeking the money she's owed under the terms of their divorce agreement. Supporting his children is his obligation, and it appears that he didn't meet that obligation (although unintentionally). It's her right - and her obligation - to do what's necessary to obtain financial support for her children. I'm sure you'd do the same for your kids.

So, your bf withheld information about his salary increase; didn't understand (or care to understand?) the terms of his divorce agreement; hasn't learned how to navigate the legal system; it appears that he refuses to acknowledge that he is subject to the authority of the court; hasn't learned how to effectively deal with his ex-wife; doesn't appreciate that you've gone to battle on his behalf....this is a bad situation.

He's not going to get a lot of sympathy from a judge, because AS or no AS, it seems like he's steadily refused to recognize the authority of the court. I don't mean to imply that AS is not a factor in his behavior, but if a judge feels like a citizen has thumbed his nose at the court, they tend to use the sanctions at their disposal to punish said citizen.

The only real solution to his problems is a major change in his behavior. He's got to acknowledge that meeting the terms of his divorce agreement is his obligation; he's got to figure out an effective way to deal with his ex-wife (I'd suggest keeping everything strictly in writing; sending support payments through the court; use of a mediator to negotiate how to pay for "extras" like lessons and activities, etc.); he's got to live up to his end of what's been negotiated; he's got to let you off the hook. This isn't your battle to fight - it really is between him and his ex-wife.

Also try to keep in mind that you don't really know what happened over the course of their marriage. While she may have real psychological problems of her own, he clearly has his own issues as well.

I hope you reconsider your commitment to this relationship, because as high as the stakes have been for your bf - his marriage; being able to parent his children full time; his ability to support himself; sanctions from the court; his relationship with you - those stakes have never been high enough to motivate change in his behavior. While it may take some serious professional help to help him learn to cope more effectively - that help is available. I can only conclude that he hasn't gotten help because he's not interested in it.

As much as you've been willing to do for him, you can't make him take responsibility for himself (he's not the one writing this post). And without that, I don't think your life with him is going to improve. Do your kids really deserve to live with the amount of stress that exists in your house? Do you need to give all your emotional energy to fighting this man's battles? Obviously you must love him, but good relationships take so much more than love and/or attraction - particularly when there's a messy divorce, kids and a crazy ex involved. I'm sorry - I'm sure this is not the advice you hoped to get.

Thank you, no he is not the father of my children, and I do know he is the problem is many areas. I just dont know how much of his behavior is AS related, or if its simply personality. That's why I'm here, to learn & understand more, for myself & for him.
I know you make many good points, and no I do not want to give up or loss myself for him. I do my best to shield my children from our issues, however they are intelligent and do see what is going on often.

Ive considered he has have Avoidance Personality disorder coupled with AS, or maybe something else and I do grow tired of all the weight increasing on my shoulders.

I know I dont have to DO anything, but if he goes down, so will I as we have purchased a house last year.
I feel I have to be the one holding up my end as well or I will loss what I have also invested for my children, a home and security.

I know I could cut my losses & move on, but damn I love him, and I cant see me just throwing him to the wolves or his kids because he has never learned the coping skills needed for this battle against this woman.

I appreciate your reply. Thank you

Serious answer: move to another country.

Because I really don't see how anything could possibly work out with a psychopath ex around. Start with a job opportunity in another English speaking country and move there.

I know how you feel, OP. Honestly, I do.

Based on the details about your shared financial investment, I hope you meet with an attorney to figure out how to protect yourself and your kids financially from this mess. (You may want to consider renting out the townhouse until the real estate market improves as an alternative to an immediate sale.)

I'm going to say something now that you're really not going to like, but I hope you'll consider it anyway: your bf is not the victim here. He's made choices over the course of his life (including choosing his ex, and choosing to have children with her) that have gotten him to this point. His refusal to deal with his disability (and any other diagnosis that may apply) is just another choice he's making. Should you leave, it will not be an act of "throwing him to the wolves" - it will the very realistic consequence of his refusal to face his disability, and how it impacts his life.

I'm sure some of the behavior you describe is related to AS, but until he's willing to deal with his disability/diagnosis, the cycle you are in will continue. I'm assuming you believe that if you connect his behavior to his disability/illness, you may feel better about his character, or there may be some type of treatment that will alleviate the symptoms. Those things may be possible, but he's got to want to see a significant change in his life to get to that point. I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums, but you may want to consider telling him you're ready to leave. If that doesn't motivate him to wake up and deal with his life, then at least you'll know that your relationship won't be enough to make him want to change - and that you'll be in this battle with his ex until the kids are grown.

I'm sorry to be so grim....I really do wish you some peace about all this. Good luck.

Thanks for the advise, I do appreciate it.
Renting may be an option as well. I know all of what you said is the reality of the situation, but it doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow.
My man appears to have allowed other people to fight his battles or support him for a very long time without taking any responsibility for himself . Yeah I was hoping to let him off the hook if his tendencies were more AS related then character related, but I can see the two parts together are indeed equivalent parts of who he is.
Alot of what you just typed are the exact words I spewed at him last night in a rage of emotion when I could not handle one more second of silence. I do not live in a fantasy world , but I fear he does often , and I keep hoping if I toss a cup of reality on his face every now & again that he will eventually see it and take some responsibility for how he effects others with his actions. But instead he turns into this little 5yr old boy & with a little 5yr old voice & my heart bleeds for that lost child, and yeah I want to fix him..then this usually follows with a complete melt down.
I do believe he is no doubt-ably AS, maybe mixed with something else. However I still feel the need to save him..and his kids..and I know I cant do it..and it kills me. I know that is not good, and no I am not co dependent, I just know he is a good person deep inside & I want him to have the good life that he has missed out on..and yes of coarse I know this is not possible for me to make him want this, but I want it, and I guess that's what hurts me most. If I were to give him an ultimatum, no matter how much he loves me, he will not do for himself, he will just run away, as this is all he has learned to do his entire life when it comes to coping. The resources to help him only come with a diagnosis, and that costs money that he doesn't have, so I don't see any real solution to this issue right now...not for him at least. I know I always have choices, but they are not always easy to face. We were in councilling, but he still doesn't speak there..he says he just cant. He needs someone who deals with As & coping skills..and I dont know how to find them with out a DX, and again, he will not help himself. I know I cant save him.
Again I thank you for you realistic viewpoint, you made alot of sense, and I do know its accurate of the situation.

That might be a good solution

Oh, I don't have it all figured out. Not in my own life, anyway. It is always so much easier to give advice than to live it.

It sounds to me like you are strong, I don't think that is the problem. But few of us are superwomen, and we need systems for dealing with stress and difficulty, same as the next person. Many people deal with that stuff by simply cutting the difficult parts out of their lives, because they either cannot or won't handle it. It's a viable choice, and theirs to make. I think you, however, are making it clear from your posts that you will not choose that option. So, you've made your choice, and our job now is to help you live with it best you can.

I think the shut downs are related to AS, personally. Both my husband (undiagnosed) and my son (diagnosed AS) shut down when overwhelmed. Figuring out what to do when the formulas have failed is beyond them. They don't believe in the existence of some other option Z, and give up before ever searching for it. I don't do that. If something is important to me, I'm always rolling the dice and trying to get a different answer. They aren't like that. In those moments I have to seize control and SHOW them how it gets done. They sit in what seems best described as stunned amazement. But, overtime, they're getting a little better at it, just observing. They have to integrate that new concept in their own way; I can't force it.

I suck at living day to day life, however. I manage my time poorly, get easily distracted, and go through long periods of depression. We all bear our own crosses, don't we?

But I kind of like stepping in and being the rescuer. It is a role I do well, and maybe I relish it in a way; I spend so much time failing the people around me in little ways, and for one little moment I am able to play knight in shinning armor. I guess a part of me needs that.

In your shoes, I would probably be typing a super-brief right now, the legal response I'd want my man to be able to post. Every detail, every document. Then, I'd present it to him for his opinion. I'd be hoping for him to say, "wow, you've solved it!" but I'd know he'd really say, "honey, I can't believe you worked so hard, but it really won't make any difference." And I'd probably say, "well, it might. It's a start, and we've said a few steps if we do hire a lawyer. And I've gotten my frustrations out on paper, at least. That was productive." And so on.

It's your choice. Do you accept what you see as a defeat (which he already has), or do you throw one last Hail Mary pass because it's in your nature to do so.

Oh, yeah, once you are done crying and breaking down, of course. That always needs to be done first.

You are choosing to love a man who is in a difficult situation, and will be for a long time. It is both foolish and commendable, and I'm not going to argue with it. I admire it in a way; life is rarely a bed or roses, and sometimes its nice to see all the thorns right up front instead of slowly discovering them because they were so well hidden (is there any person who doesn't come with thorns?). He isn't abusive from what you've said, just a little hopeless.

I really admire your organization and budgeting skills, by the way. You sound like you have all that so much together. It is something he needs from his partner, and you provide it.

I do wish you the best of luck. I can't fix anything for you, but I can tell you aren't completely alone.

I should add, for the outside choir, that this is what commitment is all about. Sticking it out through the tough times, and helping our partners through what they, for whatever reason, are unable to handle.

I appreciate this post so much, I appreciate you being so candid to share your life with me in the way I need so badly to hear right now. I am no push over, and I left my last marraige without a dime to my name & no family to lean on in this province, with two small kids, so its not about being afraid to leave for me, in part it about being afraid to stay. Ive never loved so deeply before, nor felt the love back with such a force, so this keeps me here..love is grande ya know, and like you maybe I in a way like being the rescurer, I like it when I am the one that everyone runs too, and I like feeling wanted , however the appreciation level is not always fitting to my needs level, and when this runs low, I begin to feel like hey why do I bother, why cant someone talke care of me, why cant I lean on someone, and when I need to lean and fall on my face..its a big ouch. Its not that I need to have it proclaimed, but wow, when the cup is empty, it needs a little drop of true appreciation here & there.

My guy has come along way in the years we have been together, as his relationship with his ex almost killed him literaly, she sucked him dry of every ounce of life & pleasure that you could imagine. As his family tells me, he was a shell of a man after she was finished with him, or should I say when he nearly escaped with his life, although at one point he had attempted to commit sucide. I dont know how, but he did finally leave her, however the hooks she had in him were still holding him back from moving on in life, as she ran him to the bone..requests such as , I need advil , I have your kids so your need to go to the store for me, sometimes in the middle of the night, he lived 10 blocks away, he would get up & just go, another time , Hey your daughter has headlice, you need to get over hear & wash all the linen with me as these are your kids too, another time, Hey you need to come over here & take out the garbage as these are your kids too..I really couldnt believe what she was requesting, and also what he was doing..until like a year later..then I finally said enuf is enuf, you need to stand up to this woman..and since then its been one thing after another..its hard..but I do love him.

Now he has held down the longest job he has ever had in his life since he is with me, bought a house and has surpassed most hopes his family could have ever guessed would accomplish in his life. To hear them now say he is back to his normal self, is gratifying to me, as I know without me he would be still sleeping on a cot in his sisters kitchen jobless as I found him.
However his ex, well she still has away of bringing him back into the darkness he lived in for the years he spent with her, and it kills me to see her have so much power over him. He cowers & hides & retreats lke that 5yr old again, and being a strong person that I am, I cant understand, its almost impossible for me to wrap my head around it..however I am still here, I want to be his rock, and maybe this site can be mine.

Thank you for your reply, and your familiar honest history of your life with your men brings me comfort. I know so many people see the good in him, but they also say why do you stay, its so hard on you, why dont you leave, yet I do not want too, it is my choice to stay, as I feel my life with him happened for a reason, we needed each other, and I cant abandon him, not yet , maybe not ever, I know he would not abondom me if I needed him...

I wish you all the best & I hope that I can be there one day when you need someone to catch you Thank you & good night

*Applause*

lol < Bows gracefully >