Seeking traits like our parents

Post Reply New Topic

I was reading this book called Boundary Issues, which goes over the (not uncommon) idea that what we are looking for in a romantic partner is whatever we needed most growing up that our parents didn't provide us. I've found this to be disquietingly, creepily accurate.

The hopeful side of this is that if you recognize those things that your parents didn't give you, you can try to find other ways besides a romantic relationship to get them. The more independent you are for the things that you need, the more you can be with someone just because you want and enjoy them, not because you need them. . . which personally, is much more my ideal.

Anyone have opinions on this model?

I have also heard we unconsciously seek out a partner more like the parent we had the most difficulty with, in order to try again.

Janaday and Aimless: maybe we subconsciously seek out partners who are a combination of the two things you said

This is scary but I see the pattern in my family all too well. My father was an alcoholic while my mother was coedependent. I see the same traits in both my sisters and brother. I feel like I've taken after my father rather than my mother but I'm sober now. My very brief relationship was with a guy who had a drug problem and a girl he was cheating with on the side. It's definitely made me fearful about getting back into the game after 3 years of being alone.