For stright guys. Are you ever asked if your gay?

Post Reply New Topic

I don't date a lot. I have had 2 relantionships one lasted about a week and a half the other for about four months. I have not been in a relationship for around seven years.
I have been asked and at times by gay men that I know if I'm gay. I'm not offended by this. It is a fair question. The fact is that I really don't date. (I wish I did but I don't). Let alone have a girlfriend.
My question is dose anyone else have this experance?

from my experience aspie men often make camp gestures. I dont think this is a reflection of their sexuality but that NT men have trained themselves not to make such gestures but aspie men with their lack of gesture awareness do not inhibit such body language.

Yes - but then I am bisexual (although I'd say I was about 70% straight).

I still feel slightly uncomfortable when people ask me about it, not because I'm ashamed of my dual orientation but because it reminds me too much of being at secondary school and gettng bullied because I looked slightly effeminate.

There's a rumor in my hometown that I am. "The 37 and not interested in women thing".
I suspect it's a common thing for us, we often have little or no education and we know that we will never be attractive to women, so we just don't bother about them. To me, getting the diagnosis at age 30 was a great relief. I finally knew that I didn't have to try to get a girlfriend or to try to get laid ever again, that I was free from that nonsense because I'm an Aspie and didn't have to care about that anymore. I know that for me, it's not about having kids and marriage, it's all about casual sex and I don't care about getting laid, it's just a great relief to know that I'm free of that.

I have tried to convert myself into bisexuality. I have reached the point that I think I could enjoy sex with some person of same sex if he was exactly the right kind of person (physically and mentally). And I could maybe even have a love affair with him. But I feel I'm rather "bi-curious" than bisexual in any meaningful sense. I don't even fantasize about men. Or well, sometimes maybe...

If you actually are gay (or bisexual in strong sense) then you probably should know whether you feel desire for men.

Though sometimes people may go through phases during which they do not know themselves what is their actual orientation. In that case you may just let time pass and keep monitoring your desires and fantasies. That may be an interesting period.

Being gay in (relatively) tolerant society may have its benefits. A gay nerd can take his boyfriend on his lap and play Nethack with him... and many other romantic things that most of hetero boys couldn't do with their partners.

Once in a very, very long blue moon, yes. Because I'm chronically single people suspect something's out of the ordinary. It's just that it's not usually homosexuality they suspect.

I used to be asked that question in high school. Not so much anymore...

Yes they ask me if i am gay, in fact, i suspect that my coworkers took it for granted (although i am straight).
This happens for many reasons. This is one:

Besides the gestures, we tend to have no or little knowledge of that so called "personal space", and without realizing it, we may get so close to other men that we make them feel umcomfortble. As this closeness is not usual, it leads them to think we are gay.

In the same way, sometimes a woman feels attracted to us and by using body language, sends us some signals that we just cannot see and we don't have any kind of reaction to those "signals". To them it happens because we are either not interested in them, or not interested in women at all.

People often felt I was asexual. (I actually tried to be asexual for a while, so I wouldn't have to feel the pain.)

People often felt I was asexual. (I actually tried to be asexual for a while, so I wouldn't have to feel the pain.)

I found out at one point (when I was about 19) that my father and sister had held a quiet belief I was gay for a few years. I had one friend at that time (male) and they had the idea we were partners. Neither that friend nor I had ever considered men as our orientation (I told him about my father's belief) so it was a surprise for me to hear they had been under that impression. Looking back at school, I never showed any interest in sexual pursuits. I'll bet a few people thought I was gay. It may have been the reason for a few of my social conflicts...

I have since had 4 relationships (at 20, 23, 26, and 32) involving various levels of sexual activity and of various durations (1 year to 3 year involvements). All were female. All four approached me in regards to the relationship(s). The last woman declared on leaving me that I was too romantic in my sexual approach and not agressive enough. Something that, in looking back, I had also heard from two of the others (all but the first, whom I left partly because she was too sexually agressive). I have been single for two years now and am not (nor have I ever been) actively looking for a new relationship, though I am open to one.

So yes I have been asked if I was gay, and have even had family assume I was gay..
However, I do not have any homosexual tendancies (no physical interest in male anatomy).

Edit: I have never been offended by the question either. I have always noticed that I lack the "google-eyed stare" gene that seems to afflict most NT men whenever a woman of any sort or appearance walks by.

I think there are a myriad of reason a guy could be asked this question, some Aspie-related, some not.

For instance:

--Gay guys and dorks (i.e. someone not socially aware, and I mean this in the nicest way) sometimes dress similarly, in that a dork might wear something tight-fitting and not realize that it was inappropriate for straight men to dress this way. Case in point, I had a roommate that dressed like this and wasn't obviously gay, so I thought he was a dork. Turns out he was gay and only a little bit a dork (btw, I'm a big dork ).

--Aspies, not always being socially aware, might use gestures, language, or other forms of social communication that are outdated and now connote new meanings in today's society. For instance, the hand-pushing "Pshaw" movement from the early part of the 20th century (think "Little Rascals/Our Gang") has now become a stereotypically fey gesture in gay society.

--Any guy who seems on the surface to be normal, good-looking, attractive, etc., but does not have a GF or wife will eventually get noticed by others. People then want to know, is the person avoiding heterosexual relationships, and if so, why? It sometimes seems amazing to others that someone who looks so normal could have issues, internal ones, that stymie their attempts at a relationship. During my very long dry streak, at one point my physician was amazed to hear that I was involuntarily celibate. His first reaction was to send me to a shyness support group -- apparently he felt that I was way underperforming my potential, especially given that I actually wanted to be in a relationship.

--When guys are too pretty, which isn't always intentional, they will also be suspected as gay. When I was in my teens, I was more pretty than handsome. Women actually would tell me that I was too pretty at the moment, but that I would be a handsome older man (I hope they were right ). I have a coworker who everyone thinks is gay, just because his eyes are pretty. Sometimes people don't realize beauty could be entirely natural, and they suspect instead you are doing something to enhance it, which would likely be very gay (though there's nothing gay about trying to look more masculine/handsome, vs. pretty).

--If you are moody, pensive, emotional, etc., you may also be suspected of being gay. A lot of people aren't comfortable with men showing emotions other than joy, anger, or boredom. This is more society's problem than yours. That being said, once I got on hormonal therapy, some of this did get toned down.

I have been asked that, at times. Once from a girl I was in love with, even. I'm not though, but I think I can see why people would believe it. I'm sligthly effeminate in some ways, and I'm one of the first to admit the possibility that I might fancy a guy some day.

People think I'm gay - but I actually know gays who automatically know I'm not. And I pass through the gay capital of America on a daily basis - the Castro in San Francisco and I have yet to witness someone advancing on me.

I have always had those remarks made towards me, even by my father of all people, who still thinks I am gay because he doesn't believe in asexuality at all. Well, I am a more borderline version of asexuality, since sometimes I think I do have a desire for a female companion, but I just don't feel it, if ya know what I mean.

Because I have wandering eyes and am not hairy, I sometimes get mistaken for gay initially by other gay guys, to the point where I get asked.

The guys you are running into in SF might just really be in tune with the vibe of who is and who isn't, and/or are meeting enough other gay guys that they don't have to reach for straws with straight-looking guys. I work in West Hollywood (the SF of L.A.), and while I do get a glance and some very polite/nice behavior from the gay guys there, I have almost never been hit on, except by strangers to the area.