Once bitten, twice shy

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I don't consider myself to be a great date. A loyal friend, but not a great date. First off, I don't flirt. I know this for a fact because my sisters tell me (without my asking them ) that I don't and that that's why I don't have more male attention. Second off, I despise being touched, with a few exceptions (namely, my parents and getting my hair done). This one, I think, screwed me over on my first (and only) date.

Previously, I'd only had experience with being asked out by boys only to be laughed at when I answered them under the assumption that they were serious. So I was really surprised when a guy I knew (and was good friends with) during freshman year asked me out. I'd heard that romance could ruin a good friendship and was scared of that, but I still accepted mostly out of flattery. The date didn't work out.

We went to see a movie, and we fought unpleasantly over who paid for what. I come from a family in which there's a ritual of fighting over who gets to pay the bill (everyone wanting to pay for everyone else), and small dirty tricks are even tossed on occasion to pay the bill, but the usual result (when the check isn't stolen by the guest [has actually happened]) is either the host paying or everyone going dutch (since there was no real host this time, that's what I had wanted the outcome to be), whereas the guy seemed to assume that he was supposed to pay for everything. He also kept trying to put his arm around me during the movie, which, as you might have noted from the above paragraph, I also dislike. Sound like kind of minor things to end a possible romantic relationship over? Well, partially, I'll admit, I was just angry at how goddamn excited my sisters and mom got when they heard I had been asked on a date (weird and probably ungrateful, I know -.-). I ended it politely right after the movie, thanking him but telling him that I thought that the problem was just one that I had with dating in general. We're still good friends now, so at least nothing was ruined.

But I felt so stressed out over the experience that I swore to just skip dating from now on. Which is fine because I haven't been asked since. None of my family was happy to hear that, though, and I've been lectured ever since about how that's the wrong attitude to have about it. Is it? If it is, would you mind offering some coping tips for the future? And if it's not, please still feel free to give your opinion, since that's what I guess I'm after.

It sounds like you aren't that old yet. In which case ... wait until you are ready. You shouldn't feel forced to do something that you aren't comfortable with yet. Time can and does change things.

Your mom and your sisters probably know and agree with what I've written somewhere deep down but, well, it's just so darn exciting to see someone else take flight on their dating life, kind of a vicarious experience us older hens like to relive. They mean well, but you have no obligation to provide that vicarious experience for them, and they know it. Still, they won't be able to resist, it's just a girl thing ... you don't have to listen.

Tell them you don't feel you are ready to date and they should ease up. If not, just give them a look like my daughter gives me ... the one that says, "really, mom?!"

If you don't like being touched, I would suggest that you seek therapy for that or figure out a long-term solution before you get into a relationship -- Men very much like to touch the women they are dating.

That being said, him busting out the arm around the shoulders move on a first date seems a bit aggressive.

What is it you want from a relationship with a man? Is it just to fulfill a social requirement set by your family, are you lonely, etc.?

It's not really a familial "requirement," per say, but there is mild pressure to meet someone. My sisters are actually both younger than me (I'm in my early twenties. One of my sisters is in her late teens, the other in the early teens. Both tend to kind of treat me like the "younger sister," though. It gets annoying). The elder of my younger sisters has already been in a relationship for a while, although she just recently had to break it off because they were going to different universities. Honestly, I don't know what to even be looking for in a relationship. I have some friends, more acquaintances, and I enjoy my computer a lot. I guess part of the point of my post was to ask what on earth I should be looking for, if anything. That time that I went on the date, I guess I was expecting it to just kind of be more like a friendly gathering, just with two people and a different name.

Dates at your age will involve touching. By that time, people are quite interested in the physical side, even if they are showing restraint on fully engaging. You can expect the guy to show affection by putting his arm around you, holding your hand, etc. After that, it varies a lot what expectations are, so there isn't a uniform guide; just people on the same page, and people not on the same page.

I would suggest being really blunt about the touching thing, so that the guy doesn't misread the signals. When he goes to touch you, maybe you can say, "I'm sorry, I have sensory issues with touch, but I really do like you, and if you're a little patient maybe we'll be able to figure it out together." That might scare off a lot of men, but I believe you should accept it as OK; you NEED one who is going to work with you on it, and you kind of need that from the get-go, given modern dating expectations in your age group. This will be the first filter for separating the wheat from the chaff on who you could possibly be compatible with.

Good luck.

I just went to look up information about asexuality. I've heard about it in the past, but I thought it meant lack of sex drive, in which case I'm certain I don't match, since I have masturbated a few times in the past. And I love romance in general, especially in fiction. But what I'm reading about asexuality... actually does sound a lot like me. I think I feel a bit better now.