Although I have had a lot of anger - I have found a huge load of to be due to a woman (she was older than me by ten years - I was 21, she was nearly 31) who I perceived (and whom had even told me at one point a while after we broke up - we had been in a brief and very torrid sex-based relationship, which was bad on many levels anyway) that she had used me for sexual affections (which also resulted in my loss of virginity); that woman, though, she had (and has to a degree) tried to remain friends with me, though I had been disgusted with her very existence for a long time. Nonetheless, I met her again today, on a bus, as if by fate. And, although it took a lot of energy to do this, I did what I had to do.
I summoned up what resources I had in myself to genuinely forgive, and I forgave her.
I told her - honestly told her - that I had forgiven her for her misdeeds against me, and also apologised for my part in reciprocating. We hugged, I gave her a final peck on the cheek, and she got off on her stop onboard the bus and I had smiled at her as if wishing her well, for what felt like may have been the first time in ages. I could almost sense she was happy with me forgiving her, and there was a strange side-effect to this:
I feel much more at peace, happy, content. It is as if the pain she caused is practically null and void compared to the relief I have from the simple act of forgiving her, and admiting my wrongdoing to her as well. For while she offered me sex (when she may have been somewhat unstable anyway) I was the one who accepted her offer (to be fair, I didn't know she was unstable at that point, and had I known back then I would have flatly refused her). I now feel ready and happy enough to actually contemplate my having someone to love again, this time someone hopefully in a much more permanent (as in long-term) way, one built up on things such as trust, compassion, tolerance and such and not one as completely built up from lust as my first sexual relationship (although, admittedly, I would like a second sexual relationship, albeit far less dysfunctional than my first).
However, I can see a few possible obstacles in my way: although the simple answer is for someone with Asperger's Syndrome to date another such afflicted individual, I'm not sure if that would be a good idea for me - my mother also has (diagnosed) Asperger Syndrome, and despite the family bond, there has been and can be a lot of arguing over relatively petty misunderstandings and miscommunication (both sides are often at fault, though). I realise that while high levels of arguing might be OK when it is a parental relationship, I can see that in certain other cases (like in a relationship) it may lead to a very quick break-up.
I am a comparatively very mild case of Asperger's Syndrome though, and I am OK with such things related to touch, among other things, and what may set me apart from many other Asperger's types, I have a very good level of empathy for others; in addition, although I have had my problems and times of trouble, my time of growing up has been comparatively rosy compared to some, and yet I am able to empathise greatly with those whose upbringings or lives in general have been sorry indeed; also I have been able to accept those who have been physically disabled or otherwise weakened, as well as the mentally ill, as who they are as people and not what their conditions/illnesses were.
Case in point, I had a very good platonic female friend once who not only had the misfortune of a congenital heart condition, but she had also had been a rape victim, and had been in and out of the mental health system as well; I was good friends with her, and although I had a lot of unresolved sexual tension concerning her (she was a woman of possibly Maori descent (she said she had Indigenous New Zealand blood in her, so that means she's likely Maori by heritage) born in Australia, but she was 3/4 European-Caucasian and she had very blue eyes like a Scandinavian, and even considering she was what some may deem 'damaged goods' I found her very sexually appealling) I respected her wishes of her not wishing me to be "more than friends" as it were, and although she consented me to let her kiss her on the cheek whenever we parted ways it never proceeded further than that. Indeed, there are very few people (other than family) I can say I actually loved, and that female friend mentioned in this paragraph was one of them. I have a feeling she loved me more than what she let on but she may have been afraid to show it - unfortunately she and I have lost contact and I do not feel I will meet her again.
Nonetheless, although the odds probably stand against anything in future, I feel I may have the luxury to be at least slightly optimistic, given I have evidenced being able to be empathetic and/or tolerant of other people's conditions. However, I might have to raise an exception for certain mental health ailments like Borderline Personality Disorder or other similar conditions. I have once been in a relationship with such a girl and I could not handle my emotional strain of knowing of her harming herself (as in her cutting herself), also she was inclined towards far more serious things with me than I could see myself with her. I very well understand the condition and can empathise with it, but otherwise I would prefer not to date such a girl again if possible.
Anyway, I thought I'd rant this out. It's midnight here in Australia at the time of writing; I have to go to bed.
27 Aug 2010, 9:00 am
