Keeping distance

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I have heard on here and in other forums, that some people, when in relationships, keep their significant others at a distance, sometimes to the point of sleeping in different rooms.

How does such a relationship work?

I used to share a house with a couple who had an "open" relationship and each liked having their own space. So they had separate bedrooms and would get together for an f date if they weren't already engaged elsewhere. People aren't necessarily made to share a bed. My son's father was someone who would start flinging his arms around in his sleep and suddenly jerk his knee up in my back and stuff. He also tended to sleep in a V position and was too heavy to move. Fun.

Strange that you post this topic/question Tim. For the second time I have read about something similar to this. I believe I even commented on it myself. Now I'll try explaining why.

I had felt distant to my first husband while we were married. This I believe was because he was both unfaithful many times and abusive - physically, mentally and emotionally. Towards the end of our marriage, I did sleep in my daughter's bedroom with her. If someone keeps repeatingly hurting me, I will pull back from them maybe out of self-preservation.

I know my Granddad had restless leg syndrome. And my Grandma did not sleep well with him. I imagine there are a number of reasons why two people although married, choose not to sleep with each other at some point.

Taupey

I had read an article about a study advocating that couples sleep, if not in separate rooms, that at least in separate beds. (Can't find it now, read it a long time ago, but if I find it, I'll be sure to link it). Apparently, even the smallest little incompatibilities (snoring, twitching, sleep talking, etc) can terribly affect our quality of sleep, and eventually, the relationship!

That aside, I would love to hear if more people on here have had such types of relationships, especially if the space issues were largely due to AS tendencies.

As far as how it can work? Hard to say, it likely varies from couple to couple... With myself and the guy I am currently involved with, I would have to hypothesize that the ONLY way our relationship would work if we wanted to one day cohabitate, would be to maintain a certain distance between ourselves. He has even more need of time/space to himself than I do, and without a room of his own (and one of mine) to control, or retreat to, it would only be a [very short] matter of time before we would be through.

I am not like this (in fact, quite the opposite). I was just curious as to how such relationships where one or both people feel the need for independence, stay sustainable.

Kind of sensed from your original post that it was more of a general curiosity of yours

What you said, "where one or both people feel the need for independence," I think that's the ticket, there... If only one person wants independence, and the other is quite the opposite, I don't imagine it would be able to work. Could be wrong, but it seems it would require too much compromise on the not-so-independent individual's end.

Whereas, if both partners require independence, it seems it could be fairly manageable. So long as the situation didn't occur where "Partner A needs space from Sun - Wed", and "Partner B needs space from Thurs - Sun."

My husband and I do not sleep together. He snores so we sleep in separate rooms. We both do our own things and we are happy. He has his game to play and I have my computer.

I have PTSD and thrash around in bed, so when my boyfriend is home he sleeps on the sofa

One of my closest friends has an arrangement like this with her husband and they have a really healthy, happy, solid marriage. They make great life partners, but not great bed partners. However, from what I hear, their sex life isn't suffering. They just happen to have it in all parts of the house

They spend a lot of time together, it's just the actual act of sleeping that they do separately. He snores like a freight train and she's a light sleeper.

I slept in a separate bed than my ex-husband for the same reason. But if I'm with someone who's a good bed partner, then I want to be in the same bed.

That would be great to have seperate bedrooms to sleep in if one of the partners had trouble sleeping with the other one. Then if they decided to have sex or make love, they could still do that but it would not be expected just because they shared the same bed. I feel it would be wonderful to spend time with someone you're in love with, but just not every waking second. If both people worked at home, they might also need private work space or office.

I have never thought about doing this before in a healthy relationship. Thanks !

Taupey

Tim_Tex,

THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP THIS TOPIC!! !! !!

I watched a video on an autistic couple who sleep in separate beds. And no two autistic people or Aspies are alike, just like everyone else. Affection for me isn't an issue, it's more social interaction that is my issue.

Is there anyone who doesn't feel the need to keep their partners at a distance?

I am fine with the partner in the same bed as long as there is not any drama ie snoring, or difficult behaviour. But one thng I am not good with is sleeping in someones arms, I cant fall asleep in someones arms, generally i like to have a nice space to sleep on with noones body parts lying in the way. Such as legs wrapped around me, or an arm which just feels like lyng on a speed bump.. I am a light sleeper and fussy in bed, I like certain comforts and a small space of my own.

My boyfriend and I live in the same house but have separate bedrooms. I'll generally join him in his room (he has a double bed) a couple of nights a week. Basically we're keeping the same arrangement we had before we lived in the same house. Much as I like sleeping with him I know I don't sleep as well as I do alone, and some nights we just want our space.

I am the type who likes spending time with people. Sometimes, granted, I do need some "me" time, but if it's only 30-45 minutes a day, that's fine with me.

I remember very vividly, and for as long as I am aware, both sets of grandparents had seperate bedrooms. I had no idea why this was, but thought it was a natural part of growing older.

My parents slept together in the same bed until 1988. Then dad had to buy a hide-a-bed and sleep on it in the living room because he snored. In the mid 90s he got his own bedroom.