So beautiful it makes me hurt

Post Reply New Topic

Every felt this way? Whether it's a celebrity or someone you know at work or just somebody you walked past?

Have you ever seen a girl or guy who is just so beautiful, so goodlooking that it hurts, makes you sick, depressed? In my work as a filmmaker, I see such people at film festivals or on the job, and it kills me. Absolutely kills me. Because I feel so much less of a person compared to them and their astounding endowments. Worse, I know I have no chance of ever connecting with one of them, because none would bother with me. Why, when they could have anyone they wish, would they want some short, dorky, ugly person like me?

It all makes me feel like such an outsider, like I don't belong, and have no hope of ever really belonging or of finding love, because I know I'm so deficient, that any girl could do better than me. I wish I could find a world view or faith to comfort me. Assuming something along the lines of Darwin or existentialism says I'm inferior, a genetic freak who ought not to have companionship. If there is a divine creator, he/she is one cruel bastard for giving some so much, and others so little.

I get that feeling every time i see a couple together... doesn't matter about looks, or even how much i know them. Because I know that they have each other, a luxury I will never be able to see for myself again.

Occasionally I'll see a man who's so ridiculously handsome I want to laugh out loud.

Not everyone is so shallow about beautiful looks.

A lot of women are attracted to wealth and power. You often get stunningly attractive model types dating or married to older, uglier men who are usually wealthy or powerful in some way. Of course, if you don't look like Brad Pitt, and if you're not wealthy or powerful either, you're screwed!

Nah, not necessarily. That's a cliche, for sure. But the reality is that while some women are looking for financial security and stability in a potential partner, a lot of women aren't necessarily looking for that, a lot of women don't particularly like men who are materialistic and very consumerist, they find it vulgar and off-putting, and offended by the underlying implication that they (the woman) is 'for sale'.

And lots of people are attracted to other qualities. Funny men are quite attractive, women often like men who have a good sense of humour who can make them laugh, the ability to make a woman laugh is not to be underestimated. Although of course, you want her to be laughing *with* you, not *at* you.

Personally speaking, looks aren't at the top of my list, although of course I have to find them attractive on some level (and anyway, I'm not that hot any more, I'm older and fatter than I used to be so I hope it works both ways!). The main thing that I find attractive is intelligence. Being an Aspie woman with a high IQ and all that, I haven't come across dozens and dozens of men who are rocket scientist smart. One guy who I was actually engaged to was probably nowhere near as smart as me, but he was funny and athletic and had a lovely smile. Some other exes who I dated later were smarter, but maybe less conventionally physically attractive, in fact I went from one tall, dark and extremely handsome boyfriend, and the next one was short, fat and had a receding hairline, but he was super smart, very literary... he was passionate about an obscure poet and I kind of found that quite engaging. Not necessarily the works of the obscure poet, I mean, but the fact that he had a passion for something. (Although he did trick me into going to a Star Trek exhibition and I had to draw the line somewhere!) Another ex wasn't literary at all, in fact he was dyslexic, so he only had about two books on his bookshelf (football autobiographies) - I would never normally consider dating a man who didn't read, but he had a good excuse, with the dyslexia and all, and besides he was very funny and good company and even though he was dyslexic he was almost rocket scientist smart (well, to be totally accurate he was programing nuclear submarines smart).

So as well as someone being funny, they could be really passionate about something instead as I find that quite attractive too. Whether that's an obscure poet, or social justice (another ex of mine had a kind of campaigning role about HIV/Aids awareness), or politics/social justice (another ex was a local politician and he was the only person I knew at that time who'd read Das Kapital and he was passionate about the local community and changing society for the better. So, yeah, altruism figures high up there on my list as well.

Intelligent. Funny. Passionate (about something, not necessarily in the red-blooded chemistry sense, although that helps! ). Altruistic. Those are all qualities I rate more highly than movie star good looks, or a buff body, or money or power. Oh, yeah, and if he can cook... (I can cook myself, but I love good food and wine, so it helps if we share that interest and ability) And if he has a sexy voice (think Patrick Stewart, Morgan Freeman)... well, I'll be putty in his hands.

Anyway, has this given you any insight into how random it all is, how there isn't one set formula as to what constitutes "attractive" in all women's brains? Because we don't all get off on the same things as other women, y'know. And each of us doesn't even necessarily have a single 'type' that we're attracted to, like they must be tall, dark, handsome, because if he's not but he's funny, he might get a free pass on the handsome criteria, and if he's super intelligent, maybe he doesn't need to be tall. We can be pretty flexible. Your case may not be as hopeless as you believe!

Are you genuinely saying that you feel you have absolutely nothing going for you? Can I presume that as you're Aspie, you're probably above average intelligence? Can you be funny? Are you passionate about something? What's your best feature? You can't be completely "ugly", so do you have nice eyes? Or a nice smile? Athletic body? Squidgy love-handles? (Yes, some people like those! I've had athletic-type bfs and also ones who were a bit squidgy round the edges like me!) Peachy bum?

Honestly, you must be able to think of at least five good things that you've got going for you, probably at least ten. I simply refuse to buy into your low opinion of yourself.

bah

Mmmm... not pain. Sometimes awe or something more complex.

Not trying to be flip at all, OP....but when you hit your stride in film making, don't be surprised if your stock goes way up with those very people.

In college there was this amazing Swedish guy that I thought was so beautiful. We always ate at around the same time and I was acquainted with his friend who I had told about my admiration. One day I thought the cute one had left so I went to talk to my friend. Well I was mistaken and the one I liked came back and asked me how I was. I said "fine" and panicked. My stomach turned and I had to get away so I got up (colliding into someone with a tray of food of course) and ran away. After that, every time I saw him I felt like I might be sick. It ruined my meals for the rest of the year.

I can't say I have, which is somewhat puzzling, as I am surrounded by people I consider beautiful every day. I believe that in the end, looks truly aren't everything, so I don't worry too much about my apparent lack of beauty if I can find someone who likes me, and there are plenty of them! Just remember, just because you're beautiful doesn't mean you won't have problems throughout life.