Jerks masquerading as Nice Guys. (Females only, please!)

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How do you make them stop?

I don't know but I'm getting sick and tired of the woman bashing. This place isn't really a great place to get advice for those of us who want help or tips in establishing or achieving a relationship. Last time I made posts here I kept hearing the same old attitude..."You're a female so it won't be hard for you." All I have to say is BS, I'm sick and tired of these abrasive nasty generalizations about being the other gender.

i'm sick of it too but i've pestered the mods beyond reason, so i'm retiring as mod-pesterer. DW_a_mom was really responsive but there's only so much one person can do, plus she retired as mod.

even after the "reminder of ToS" thing was posted (stickied at top of L & D forum) someone posted this:



i can't read the L & D posts anymore. that's not a real solution but there it is.

Well, OK, I'm not female (not that that really matters) but I just had to step in and say something.

Yes, I'm familiar with the whole nice guy vs jerk complaint. Both guys and girls can be jerks, and a jerk isn't any better than one who rewards a jerk, so who's up for a little equal-opportunity bashing? Maybe many guys (and girls) who think they're nice really aren't. Or maybe many nice people are genuinely perplexed, at how the jerks who make no effort to conceal their jerkiness, have the most efficacy at getting spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends, if not necessarily at also keeping them. Why wouldn't anyone want a nice partner? This seems like a no-brainer, but...

Most generally, persons of either gender might be perplexed at how others with obvious faults one doesn't share in, seem to be preferred over oneself.

Think for a moment. If you keep hearing the same things from multiple sources, then is it possible that just maybe there could be something to it? One particular example that comes to mind that I've seen, is a guy in my old neighborhood who has had at least 2 (maybe 3?) wives, and girlfriends that I've lost count of. He's such a mean, ignorant jerk (and he makes no effort to hide this) that his own son, who happens to be a friend of mine, changed his last name and won't have anything to do with him.

One of this guy's girlfriends/common law wives did end her relationship with him, to her credit. She also wanted to make improvements so that she could attract a better guy. Unfortunately she died of one of the natural causes for which obesity may have been a contributor, before she could get to that. I think people in general will bias toward getting into relationships with others who have faults that are comparable to their own. Being a jerk is a major fault, that a person with some major fault of his or her own will tend to gravitate toward. A woman might reject a "nice guy", even if he's wealthy and healthy, if she doesn't think she's "good enough" to keep him committed to her. It's not that she doesn't want him, but rather, she's afraid he won't want her or that the commitment won't be solid over the long run because she thinks he'll have no trouble finding someone "better".

Entry into relationships involves a trade of what you have for what the other person has. Being a jerk might be traded for morbid obesity. In another instance, smoking might be traded for being irresponsible with money. There's really nothing special about being a jerk, among the list things up for trade. If you've misspent your life by not being a jerk, a smoker, becoming morbidly obese, or acquiring any number of other pet vices, then perhaps you've got nothing to trade and you'll end up leaving the trading table with what you came in with, which might still be pretty good, actually. I don't want to start smoking or something else that's bad that I don't like anyway just so I'll have something visible to trade.

I don't know whether anyone thinks I'm nice, and if I asked, what would they say anyway? It doesn't make sense. I don't know what another person might see in me, and I can't tell anyone what she ought to see, so if she doesn't, then...Put me back!!

Last edited by sgrannel on 04 Sep 2010, 12:57 am, edited 21 times in total.

Let me clarify for the record, I never said I was a nice guy.

this thread seems to have taken two directions at once. but the "women prefer ***holes" concept is a pretty negative generalization.




my self esteem is quite intact, which is why i have no interest in hearing any more of this sort of stuff.

both men and women are guilty of rejecting potential partners for seemingly arbitrary reasons. neither gender is any better than the other. men dismiss women because of physical characteristics all the time. if a women is disinterested in a "nice guy" what she might be saying, but far too concerned with the guy's feelings to be outright about it, is "i have zero interest in sleeping with you."

"nice" is not the problem. the problem is blaming women for one's own shortcomings. or blaming anyone for dating being a dumb game.

and the other problem is the unchecked hostility. if there was a forum for race / ethnic relations, and people said things like "all pakis in england are worthless" or "most blacks are liars" or "mixed race people are only good for their looks" they wouldn't get away with it for a second. but replace "pakis" (an offensive term itself, i know; i am just using it to illustrate a point) and "blacks" and "mixed race people" with "women" and you have a few examples of things i've seen repeatedly in posts.

or if you just said that to be obnoxious, sorry, i won't play.

*poops on this thread for being sexist by excluding men, then feels like being helpful*

By make them stop do you mean make them stop being jerks or make them stop masquerading as nice?

The ultimate solution would be to kill these men, but some people would not want to accept the consequences that accompany murder.

If you can tell that a guy is a jerk even if he is masquerading as a nice guy then he already clearly isn't doing a very good job of masquerading as a nice guy. What I don't understand is that if all of these jerks masquerading as nice guys keep complaining about how 'jerks get the girls' then why don't they just drop the nice guy act and act like a total jerk, if they're such a jerk already it would just be them being themselves.

I guess just ignore them.

One thing I can say is I have never blamed a girl for not liking me and liking someone else or said they should like me. I think people who understand their limitations well or understand aspects of asperger's syndrome well would work on improving areas that are stopping relationships from happening. Its difficult to learn social rules that are never taught and easy to abide by story book rules that are superficial and expect reward.